Adjusting to life at home and the stigma surrounding mental health problems.

 I'm in my 3rd full day back at home.  Things have been alright.  I've managed to keep up on my journal for the most part.  I need to get better at doing it everyday.  Everyone here has been good about giving me some space.  Just not my first day home as the boys seemed to never be more than a few feet away wherever I went.  I have to remember they probably didn't understand what was fully going on and were thrown off by the fact dad wasn't at home.  Both of the twins admitted to breaking down in their beds at night.  I feel horrible about that.   We have been open and honest with them and they are free to ask questions whenever they have any.  

The first two days were spent catching up on sleep and getting back into being home.  Today Jill went back into the office due to our internet being out.  The boys have driven me crazy today.  The three oldest like to gang up  on and torment the youngest until he screams.  And he has one of those screams that is so piercing that it would make a dolphin beach itself.  And that is what they go for when they gang up on him.   Their big payoff is hearing him scream and watching him throw a fit by pounding his fists into the floor or walls and completely meltdown.  I could actually feel my blood pressure rising as I lost my cool with them.  I really hate yelling at them, but, they never listen and continue to push both me and the youngest.  

I went into work today for about an hour to take in my slip from the hospital.  I spoke with my general manager and he shared some things with me I never would have guessed.  But our talk has me thinking.  Why is there such a stigma with not only mental health issues but when men have them?  During my time in the hospital I heard more than one guy say that they never talked about their depression.  They felt it made them feel or look weak and feel like they weren't' meant to admit they were struggling.  So they would continuously push it down or away and wouldn't deal with it.  And the more you push it away, the worse it is when it comes back again.  And this vicious cycle continues until the person breaks and either gets help or attempts to commit suicide.  I am guilty of this to a certain degree.  I would push the depression away and hope it would just go away.  I wasn't and am not ashamed of my struggles, I just chose to ignore it in hopes it would take care of itself.    I know that isn't much better, and I too ended up paying the price for it.  

We need to end the stigma that surrounds mental health problems.  Not just for men, but for everyone.  I've heard people refer to someone with mental illness as crazy.  And that isn't fair.  We didn't ask for this, and statements like that and name calling only further push that person to keep quiet and not say anything or seek help.  I feel more needs to be done in regards to ending the stigma associated with mental illness.  

For those who don't know, Stigma is when someone views you in a negative way because you have a distinguishing characteristic or personal trait thought to be a disadvantage.  People sometimes see those with mental health issues as lesser than  the rest because of their problems.  Stigma can lead to discrimination in some cases.  But furthermore, stigma can be very harmful to those suffering from mental illness.  It can lead to reluctance in seeking help, lack of understanding, bullying, and possibly the belief you will never be successful in certain challenges or improve your situation in life.  

The best way we can combat the stigma we can face is to speak up and speak out.  Speaking up and showing support for people with mental illness can help instill courage in others who are fighting the same or similar battles.  That is why I am doing this.  I am putting my story out there not only as a way for me to cope, deal, and heal.  But to show others that they are not alone.  And that it is is ok to stand up and speak out.  If only one person reads this and feels compelled to share their story as well then I will be more than happy.  I benefited from seeing, meeting, and hearing others stories and sharing my own as well when I was in the hospital.  So I figured why not share mine on a bigger scale where it could possibly have a better chance to reach more people?

If I were more comfortable with public speaking, I would love to set up an assembly with local high schools and bring some people with me who have struggled with mental illness or those who have lost loved ones to suicide.  And just have them share their stories and include a message about suicide prevention and how it's ok to not be ok, and that seeking help isn't a sign of weakness but a show of strength.  I would call it Stand up, Speak up, Don't Give Up....

But that is all I have for now,  If anyone ever needs to speak to someone or wants to share their story I am always available.  

Until Then,

Be Well....

I'M GOING HOME!!!!

 Well, an interesting thing happened today.  I was coming out of group therapy when my nurse asked if he could see me in the interview room. I followed him to the room and as I entered, there sat my doctor, my nurse, social worker and psychiatrist.  I sit down and my doctor asks how I'm feeling and a few other small questions.  After I answer those she asks what takeaways I have from my time in the unit.  I talk about my journal, and some self realizations I've made about how I'm responsible for my care and happiness.  She asked if I would be able to continue to journal at home when I'm released.  I say that I can and will continue to journal and she smiles and says "so if we send you home today, you'll be alright?"  I'M GOING HOME TODAY!!!!!!

They said it'd be a few hours as they had to get my paperwork around and work on getting my meds filled.  That's fine with me, they can take their time because I get to go home today!!  So I thanked them all for everything they have done for me and got up and left the room.  I went back to the day room and two of the people I had made friends with were sitting there and I told them the news.  I got congrats from them both and then went back to my room to pack up my stuff.  

Lunch came next and I sat with my friend and talked a little about my leaving  and what his plans were for when he gets out.  After lunch we went back to the day room and I gave him my cell phone number and told him to shoot me a text when he gets out to let me know he's doing alright.  My nurse came in and got me and told me to call a ride because all my things were ready.  They gave me my street clothes back and I immediately changed.  You have no idea how good it felt to put shoes on again.  I know that may seem silly but it's true.  I had spent the past several days wearing clothes they gave me and socks they gave me, so putting my own clothes back on was very nice.  

I then went back to the day room for group therapy.  About half way through it my nurse came to the window and pointed at me.  I get up and say my goodbyes and pick up my bags and wallet from the nurses station.  We head down on the elevator and I see Jill sitting out there waiting.  I get in the van and immediately break down.  I think it was a combination of relief, happiness, being a little scared, and leaving behind some friends whom i had gotten to know very well in my time there. 

We drive home and so begins my life away from the hospital.  It definitely feels like a new start for me.  One that terrifies me, one that has me excited, on that I hopefully will not take for granted.  It's funny how my time there went.  And how full circle I can in those 4 days.  By the time I left I didn't mind the place , the people, the group therapies, because they all helped me and I am forever grateful.  I do not regret my decision to seek help.  If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing.  So much good came from my time there and I left feeling completely different than when I went in.

Now to journal from home and try to set up my new normal.  Thank you to everyone who reached out to us, prayed for us, sent texts and messages.  You are all very much appreciated and we love you all!!

Until Next Time,
Be Well.....

8-21-2020

 Well, it's 4:15am and guess who is wide awake?  Needless to say I didn't sleep well last night.  I was in bed by 9:50pm, but was wide awake at 3:15am.  Luckily the nurse who was in my room was understanding.  She asked if it was weird having someone sit at the foot of your bed all night.  I mean, how would you feel if you had to sleep with a complete stranger sitting at the foot of your bed watching you all night?   Not exactly the best way to get a good nights sleep.    I told her that it is indeed slightly unsettling.  

So what to do now?  Can't do laundry or shower until 6am.  Breakfast isn't until 7:30am.   So here I sit.  I'm almost positive that I'm the only one in this unit that is awake right now.  The ironic part is that I took something to help me sleep last night and here I am..   Kinda backfired on me didn't it?  This is one of those situations where I wish I had my phone, I could mindlessly scroll through Facebook or the internet for a couple of hours until things get moving here.  You have a lot of free time here which is both good and bad.  Good because it has given me the opportunity to write again, but, bad because I can't write forever and end up with a lot of downtime.  Downtime leads to thinking a lot and sometimes that can be not so good.  Case in point was last night.  I wrote my last piece around 6 or 7pm.  After that I had nothing to do, no groups, no visitors, and I wasn't feeling writing anymore at that point.  So what did I do?  I went to the day room and watched Jeopardy with a couple of people, I actually tried to sit down and color for a little while but couldn't focus on it so I stopped, I tried reading a book but my attention span was shot at that point.  All of those things mentioned only managed to kill about an hour.  Pretty sad huh?  

Around 9pm they open up the dining room for snacks.  Another guy and I ended up raiding the place,  Cereal, ice cream, sandwiches...  We just sat at a table and talked for almost an hour and ate.  They ended up kicking us out of them room so they could close it up and at that point I decided to head for bed.  A decision that clearly did not work out too well for me.  But, what can you do?   I don't think today will be too tough, and I can always catch a nap during my downtime.  

I think I'm going to go lay down and rest for a little while.  I'll write more later.

Until Then,

Be Well....

8-20-2020 Day 2 Part 2

 Well, that was interesting...  Just got done with Group Therapy and it was interesting to say the least.  He started off group asking us some questions about our day and our night, how we slept, what we had for breakfast and lunch, just surface level stuff.  He then asked if we could be a fruit or vegetable what would we be and why?   I said I would be a cucumber.  Because of the phrase cool as a cucumber.  Meaning, I rarely lose my cool and can most of the time just roll with things.  Stupid I know, but what would you have said?

The next thing we did was listen to the Michael Jackson song "Man In The Mirror."  We were supposed to listen and see if any words or lines jumped out at us and stuck with us.  For me it was the line "You've got to stand up and lift yourself."  That line hit very close to me.  It is the whole reason I am here.  I think I depended on others for my happiness and to pick me up when I bottomed out.  But, nobody is responsible for my happiness but me, nobody can stand me back up and pick myself up and move forward but me.  And I feel I have done that or taken the first step in doing this by coming here and admitting myself for help.  I have taken that first step toward being happy again.  And I am taking the necessary steps to stand up and move forward.  No one else can do this for me but me.  What I mean is that people could suggest I come here and urge me to do so.  But in the end, I was going to have to be that person to stand up and lift myself and take that step to come be here.  

I am starting to see the benefit of being here as well.  I brought up journaling and he said that it is the best therapy there is because it allows you to get feeling out and make them reality on paper, it forces you to think about what you're saying and in turn makes you your own therapist of sorts.  What was cool was that after I talked about journaling 3 people asked if they could have journals as well.  I hope they take it seriously and get benefit from it.  You can't write as fast as you think so it really slows you down and forces you to think about what you're saying.  It's really pretty amazing.  

So now I am free until 5pm when dinner comes.  Not quite sure what is happening after dinner.  I know I will make another call home at some point.  But I think I'm going to lay down for awhile. 

Well, dinner is done and now what?  There are no planned groups or activities for tonight.  Tonight is visitation night.  I don't anticipate any visitors and that is ok.  I know people have other things to do and more pressing issues and that is fine.  I'll probably call home and talk to one of the boys.  I wonder what they think of all this?  I don't think they understand everything that is going on and they don't really need to know the details of everything.  I don't want them to think their dad is some crackpot who can't handle things.  But I also want them to see that you can bounce back from this or anything that they may face.  I know there is a stigma to mental health and having mental health problems.  I wish that stigma could be wiped away.  I too have thought people with mental health issues were crazy, so I am guilty of it too.  

But that old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes is dead on.  I never thought I would have mental health problems, but, here I am at 42 years old, depressed, thoughts of suicide, sitting in the mental health unit of the hospital.   It's not all padded rooms and straight jackets like they show on tv or in the movies.  It's real people, dealing with real issues, working hard to get better.  I've been lucky enough to hear their stories and share their feelings and have had the opportunity to share mine with them as well.  You can hear the pain in their voices when they tell their stories.  You can see they want desperately to get better and get back to their old selves.  

This experience has cast a whole new light on mental health problems.  Some are embarrassed to be here and some are here and don't want to leave until they can get back on their feet completely.  I'm not embarrassed to be here, it's part of who I am and this is only a chapter in a much bigger book call life.  I'm determined to make it through this and come out the other side, only stronger and with the ability to handle and cope with my mental health problems.

That's all I've got for now..

Until Next Time,

Be Well.....

8-20-2020 Day 2, Part 1

Day 2 here and this morning has been interesting to say the least.  I was in bed last night by 9:30pm and  slept until 6:45am.  I was not even aware that someone was sitting in my room all night.  It was a little awkward at first, but, I fell asleep with little problem.  It was however a little jarring to wake up and see someone sitting at the foot of your bed staring at you.  

I got up and got dressed and turned my C-Pap machine back in because I'm not allowed to keep it for reasons stated in an earlier entry.  I was sitting at my desk when I hear a knock at my door.  I said it was open and to come in, a girl walks in and the first thing she says is "Hi, we went to high school together, my name is...."   I instantly knew who she was as she was part of the group of friends that I ran with in high school.  We chatted for a few minutes, she wanted to make sure I would be comfortable with her being on my floor as we know each other.  I assured her that it was fine and she wished me the best and went on her way.  Not was I was expecting first thing in the morning but it's ok. 

I went to breakfast.  And I seem to have made a "friend" here.  I spoke of a guy earlier who claims to be a prophet and claims he is Jesus.   Yeah...  that guy.    He seems to seek me out whenever we happen to be in the same room.  He has sat with me and ate with me as well.   He is a nice enough guy, just a little out there.  But he is encouraging and that is nice.  He keeps telling that God has big things in store for me and to hang in there.  Then 10 minutes later he's trying to summon his angel named Michael to kill one of the nurses and says he is going to sue the hospital and that he will not lose that case because his lawyer is God and no one beats God in court.  What do you say to that??  

I spoke with a group leader about coping strategies.  We talked about keeping a journal and how it really helps to get your thoughts and feelings out and onto paper, therefore making them real and tangible.  So that gives me a group session under my belt.  It wasn't so bad really.  I made it out to be much worse in my head.  It wasn't the "Hi, my name is Rob and I'm depressed" type group.  It was just people sitting around in a circle sharing their stories and supporting one another, it was a nice thing to be a part of.  I will attend another group therapy session today at 1pm as well.  I will attend all I can so that they can see I'm making an effort here. All of this that I've talked about was before 10:30 this morning...  

I will be meeting with my doctor again today and I assume there will be multiple other meetings as well.  That is something I have picked up on is that there is always someone knocking on your door or asking you to come speak with them if they see you in the hallway.  Which is fine, it shows they care and want to see you get better.  

Speaking of feeling better, I am already starting to feel better after they adjusted my medication.  I can feel a difference in my mood and my outlook on things.  I think that keeping my journal and speaking to so many people, both patients and staff, has helped me tremendously.  I am hoping this progress translates into my getting discharged sooner rather than later.  

Just got done with lunch and it was actually pretty good.  I won't bore you with what I ate as I have been, I realize that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  I got to speak with Jill (it's out 21st dating anniversary) and Alex.  I don't think Alex quite knew what to say, he was very quiet and only gave one word responses.  I'm sure he knows something is off and has thrown off things in his little world as well.  I was good to hear them though, even if it was just a rundown of how everyone is doing and then giving them a rundown of how my time here is going.   My lunch was however interrupted by another doctor visit.  But this one brought bad news, she gave me the results of my bloodwork and told me that I had high blood pressure to the point I will need medication for it. Then she asked if I ever had kidney problems and I said no.  She then tells me that my kidney function has trended down ever since 2018 and that some level (I forgot what it was called) was higher than they'd like.  So going forward that means no more Ibuprofen or Motrin which I take a lot for my headaches.  But apparently it can damage your kidneys if taken too much.  So now it's Tylenol only for me I guess.

I got to meet several new people in group today.  All of them were very nice and willing to talk which makes things easier because I am not good at small talk.  After I get done with my 1pm group therapy my day will be pretty much free.  There is an exercise group meeting at 3pm.  I think I'm going to take a hard pass on that group and focus on writing another journal.

Tonight is visitation night.  I'm not sure if I will have any visitors or not.  If I don't, I will understand.  People have things going on and I get that.  I'm really hoping to discharge by Saturday.  I really feel like I am doing well and feel like I have a better grip on things.  I guess time will tell.  We are closing in on my next group therapy session.  I will write more after that and fill in on how group went.

Until Then,

Be Well....

Day 1 - Part 2 8-19-20

Well, I just got done with dinner and it wasn't all that bad.  I had turkey, mashed potatoes, a roll, broccoli and some cheesecake.  They feed you pretty well here I'm starting to see.   I met with another nurse and social worker before dinner.  We went through all the things I enjoy doing in life.  I had to tell my story all over again.  This is probably the 5th or 6th time I've had to tell my story today.  The recreational therapist just knocked on my door and said they were doing yoga and meditation in the day room.  I'm still not comfortable with my surroundings so I am going to pass I think and just stay in my room and write some more.  Yoga isn't really my thing anyway as I'm not very bendy.  I'd end up looking like the tin man in Wizard of Oz before he was oiled.   I was actually just laying on my bed with my eyes closed when she came in so I think that counts as meditating right?  Speaking of beds, these beds leave a lot to be desired. 

It's one mattress that is about 4 inches thick and has zero support.  You hit the bed part as soon as you put any weight on it, so, sleeping should be interesting.  I'm really trying to not complain too much.  I realize I came here on my own free will and that no one made me come here.  

I just wish the time I get to be discharged wasn't so up in the air.  But I do realize that it is based on the progress I make while I'm here and that if I make the best of it and do what I'm supposed to I will get more out of it and in turn be released sooner rather than later.  I just have to keep reminding myself to do that.  The thing is these groups are pushing me past my comfort level.  Anyone that knows me will know I'm not one to stand up in front of a group of people and share anything.   I'm more reserved and happy to observe.  But, I know that I'm going to have to break these boundaries of my comfort level if I want to make any progress here. So I know what needs to be done.  It's just doing it that will be the big step.  It is a little more comforting knowing all these people here are in the same place I am.  Meaning they are struggling too and are here to get help.  

So for the time being I will stare out the window and watch the clouds go by as I write in my journal.

And I am grateful for writing.  It's funny how you take things for granted until they're taken away from you.  Maybe it's actually sad, I don't know.  From little things like having a cell phone, to having some of your freedoms taken away or restricted.  Even though I'm here on my own free will, I can't wait to leave.  I just read in my onboarding paper work that I can petition to get out of here.  The petition will be seen by my doctor and reviewed.  The decision to grant discharge will be made based on my progress, behavior, and whether or not they feel I am still a threat to myself.  Kind of sounds like I'm trying to get paroled. I know that the people here are just doing their jobs and are keeping me safe and   I know realistically that if I were to try to petition this early it would be denied.  I've only been here a day and have not really started any therapy, or have any real game plan set in place as of yet.  Knowing that I'm just trying to do what I can to get better and get home.  

I also found out that because I have a C-Pap machine that someone has to sit in my room all night while I sleep.  The reason I was given as to why was that my machine comes with cords and hoses and that it could be used to commit suicide if I was left unattended.  So they are just trying to make sure I don't hurt myself.  Again, I get it..  Just not sure what I think of it.  The thought of having someone watching me all night as I sleep ( or try to ) is a little creepy and unsettling.  But they have prescribed me some medication to help me sleep so I may take advantage of that help and hope it knocks me out so I don't have to think about someone watching me all night.  

This journal thing is pretty great.  I realize that it's basically just a blog in written form, and that I could have been doing this the whole time.  But the key word in that is "time"...  I have been given a lot of time while I'm here.  Time that I don't have when I am at home.  Work, kids, life, they all come into play when it comes to my time in the outside world.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade any of it just to get more free time.  But it has opened my eyes and made me see that I need to make more time for this.  Just today alone I've been able to write a lot and get stuff out that has been festering inside for a while now, and I feel better when I do it.  I know reading these may not seem significant, but trust me it is and it helps tremendously.  I'm not just writing to document my time spent here.  I'm writing about my experiences here, how they make me feel, and hopefully in retrospect I will be able to see progress being made.  If nothing else, it has shown me that I can still write when I want to.  Even if it is just me rambling on as I feel I have done in this journal.  But it's getting to be bed time for me.  I'll be back for more tomorrow.  

Until Then,

Be Well.....

* This was my first day in the mental health unit and 2nd day in the hospital overall.  I will continue to share these. Hopefully this momentum I feel I've built up doing this will continue now that I'm at home.*

MY NAME IS ROB, AND I'M NOT OK...

 My name is Rob, and I'm not ok.  Far from it.   I am currently on the 5th floor of Henry Ford Allegiance hospital.  This is my new home for now.  Today is my first day in the mental health unit and it's going to take some time getting used to.   But, lets back up and start at the beginning of the story that ended with my being here.   I am suicidal, more specifically, I have suicidal thoughts.  I have never acted on them  and I've never had a plan on how to do it, until recently.   I've battled depression for awhile now and had become pretty good at keeping it at bay and pushing it down until I thought it had passed.    The funny thing is, it never really goes away.  It may fade and you may feel a little better but it always comes back.  And this time it hit me harder than it ever has before. 

This time it had me questioning whether life would be better for those around me without me in it.   And I have had brief thoughts like this in the past but could quickly dismiss it and it would be gone.  But not this time.  This time it not only made me question things, but added a new twist, it made me really question if it would really matter if I was gone and what that may look like.  How would I make that happen?  I have never thought about how I would do it before, but this time I did.  Now don't get me wrong,  I wasn't sure if I could actually go through with it, but, I also didn't think I would actually think about how I would commit suicide.  But here I was thinking of the different ways of which I could do it and weighing the probability on if I could go through with it.  And in the midst of this I had what could only be described as a breakdown.  A break down for me consists of feeling completely hopeless and crying uncontrollably and wanting that pain and feeling to be stopped.  Only this time I was thinking of a way to end it permanently, not just a way to get it to go away for a little while.

I spoke to Jill about this and then contacted my therapist.  My therapist then told me that I needed to contact my personal physician and get in to see him.  So, I did just that.  I set up an appointment for the following day to go see my doctor.  In the middle of our appointment and explaining everything to my doctor I had another breakdown.  My breakdowns usually don't come this often and to this level.  My doctor was concerned about the fact I had a plan of how to do it and was even more uncomfortable with my answer when he asked if I was safe.  I told him that the little voice in my head (not the crazy kind of voice like another personality) that tells me not to go through with it was getting quieter and that I was afraid of that one time I felt suicidal and that voice falls silent.  So he advised me to go to the hospital to seek help.  I went home after that and discussed this with Jill and had another smaller breakdown.  And with that Jill drove me to the hospital.  

They took me to a room in the ER and that would end up being my home for the next 24 hours as they weren't sure they could get a room for me in that hospital, there was talks of sending me to Ferndale if they couldn't get a room for me in Jackson.  It honestly felt a little like prison.  The room I was in had one little chair, a bed, and a TV that was encased in a thick plastic case.  There was a community bathroom that had what could only be described as a prison style toilet and a sink.  Needless to say I didn't get much sleep that night, I probably slept 2-3 hours total that night.  I woke up for good at 5:56 the next morning and they brought me a breakfast plate that had a breakfast sandwich, some fresh fruit, and some coffee.  Along with this breakfast they brought me the news that they had indeed found me a room in the Jackson unit.   And with that they moved me upstairs to where I currently am.  

I won't lie, I cried for about the first hour I was in my room.  I think it was a combination of lack of sleep, fear of the unknown, anxiety, and not knowing when I would see my family again.  It also had something to do with that first time you see your room and it hits you what type of facility you are really in.   No TV, no clocks, no phone, only a bed, a small desk and a chair.  I did have my own bathroom that had basically a half a door that didn't really shut.   I was not allowed to have anything with strings, drawstrings or laces.  I was not allowed to have anything sharp.  I was not allowed to use regular kitchen utensils.  They had given me a cardboard type spoon to use in the ER to eat.  And they also took my cell phone and personal property away and locked it in a locker.  I am allowed visitors, but only on certain days at certain times.  It's very stark and cold here.  I've spent most of my day laying in my bed.  I've also met with a host of people who have become my "team".  Doctors, nurses, technicians, a psychiatrist, and my social worker.  It was honestly a lot to take in and it was one person after another coming to my room to talk or taking me to an interview room to get my story and ask me questions.  I've told my story so many times to so many different people that I'm sick of discussing it.  I know they just want to help but it feels like it's never ending but, I feel this is going to be the way it is until I get released. 

I've been told it could be as quickly as 2-3 days, others have told me 3-5, and one told me the average stay here is 1 full week.  So far we've changed the dosage of my medications, added another medication, and set me up with a gameplan to put into place for when I am finally released.   So we have definitely taken some steps today.  It just feels like an overload of information, telling my story, and answering the same questions just asked by 20 different people.   I've talked to Jill a couple of times today as we have community phones here that we can use between 6am and 10pm.   I just had to have more blood work and an EKG done so I had to stop writing for a few minutes. 

They do group therapy, community groups, recreational therapy and play games.  I was told that it would be in my best interest to participate in these groups and take full advantage of them as it will greatly benefit me and show my team that I'm serious about getting better.  I will admit that I skipped recreational therapy and stayed in my room.  But, I asked for a journal and a pen.  And I have been writing this for the last hour.  I feel that has to count for something right?

I also received a container with toiletries so that I can feel somewhat human.  I got a pair of sweatpants, a t shirt and some scrubs so that I can change when I want to.   This place is no joke.   I wasn't expecting a 5 star resort by any means, but, I was definitely not expecting this either.  Everyone here has been very nice and understanding. I just was not expecting such a culture shock.  It will take some getting used to for sure.  

I did get to meet a guy who says he is a prophet and claims to be Jesus, So I have that going for me.  He has taken a liking to me and refers to me and introduces me to others in the unit as his bodyguard and that if anyone wants to mess with him they have to go through me first...  Great...   Where ever I go if he shows up he comes right over and shakes my hand and checks in with me to see if everything is alright.  He's a good person, just a little off.  He means well.  I've already heard him snap on a nurse and was screaming for his Angel named Michael to come down and kill her.  He also claimed that God is his lawyer and that no case against him shall stand and they would never win.  So there is some entertainment in this unit for sure.  

I have no idea what my time here has in store, but I pray that I'm strong enough to get through this and find the good in it and find some practices and ways to cope to take home with me when all this is said and done.   This journal has been a good thing for me as just writing this alone has helped ease a little of the anxiety and allowed me to get some feelings out on paper.   I will take you on this journey with me if you are willing to come along.  It might not always be pretty and it might not always be interesting but I feel if I journal my time here it will help me greatly with getting feelings out, documenting what I had to go through here, and as a reminder of how far I've come in this journey.  

*That was my first day in the mental health unit.  Thank you for reading and please, if you have any questions do not hesitate to ask or if you have have comments you can leave them here, on my Facebook page, or email me at RefRobG15@gmail.com    I am going to be as open and candid about this as I can possibly be.  In hopes that if someone is struggling they can read my journey and know that things will get better and that there is  hope beyond the pain and despair that depression can bring. And that it is ok to not be ok.  I will update this with my journal and I plan on continuing to journal even though I am home now.  This has been an amazing tool for me and has the added benefit of making me write again.

Thank you for reading, leave comments if you have any, ask questions if you have any and I will update this again soon.

Until Next Time,
Be Well....

ANGER

Welling up inside wanting to get out but not having a way out..
boiling just under the surface ready to erupt like a volcano.
Afraid of what that could look like should it happen
Afraid of what that could look like to those who may witness it.
I don't know what that will look like as I've learned to suppress these feelings.
Stuff them deep inside and not let them out.
Don't let them see you angry...
Don't let them know you're angry...
Everything is fine... Everything fine...
Don't fight back, take it, roll over, don't rock the boat...

Those days could be coming to an end.
By choice or by force I'm unsure..
What can I do?  What should I do?
I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to suppress it either.
Why won't it just go away?
Just go away...

This probably doesn't make any sense.. But neither does how I feel.   I wish I could explain it exactly as I feel it.  But unfortunately I don't even know how to accurately explain my feelings. 
It's not an angry that I'm afraid of hurting someone or myself, I'm ok.   It's just been some time since the anger, frustration, stress, etc...  have become a lot to handle.   And right now, they're a lot to handle.   Most likely the reason this blog is being done.  Just getting it all out here.  I realize these entries aren't the best but it's mostly just me purging feelings into a blog. 

More later....

Until then, Be Well....

It's Been Awhile...

I know, it's been quite awhile since my last entry.  Over a year to be exact.  But that's what depression/anxiety does to you..  Or at least to me, it drains any and all creative ability.  Don't get me wrong, I want to write and I miss writing but I also don't want to come here and just fire off entries about being down and feeling like I'm doing nothing but whining. 

Here is an update of where I am.   I have been in therapy for about 4 months now.  I like my therapist and we have made some strides in that time.  Has it been fun?  No, there are times I want to leave and never come back.   She gives me challenging "homework" assignments that have challenged me in ways such as stepping out of my comfort zone, digging within to find things I like about myself, digging to figure out what anger means to me, what it means for me to bottom out, and asking others questions about myself for honest answers.   It's been uncomfortable, it's been scary, but it's also allowed me to gain some insight into myself and why I am the way I am.  And has allowed me to better understand why I feel the way I do sometimes.  So while it has been painful and there has been many tears shed, it has overall been a very good thing for me. 

I still have my good and bad days.  My bad days honestly seem to be a little less frequent than they were.  I don't know if that is due to therapy, due to medication, or a combination of the two.  I have been learning to take things a day at a time and not worry about the future.  I have found that to be so beneficial in all it's simplicity.  I know it sounds like such a simple thing to do but it is something that up until recently I have never been able to do.  But living for today, trusting in God's plan, and just enjoying each day for the little things is something that has been so big for me.

One of those small things right now is sharing Mr. Rogers with Alex.  We recently bought a dvd that has the 30 greatest episodes of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on them.  And he and I have sat down and watch almost the entire first of 4 discs already.  He LOVES watching Mr. Rogers and I love reliving it and watching him enjoy it.  He responds to Mr. Rogers when questions are asked.  He sings along with songs when they are sung.  I love that he loves something that was important to me as a child.
And all these years later, some 16 years after his passing, the show still holds up.  He tackles topics in a way that are timeless, that still hold up 30 some years later.  I still love the show and wish it was still being played on a regular basis on public television.  I think children of today would benefit from hearing such a positive message as "you matter and there is no one like you".  I think in an age of social media and pressure from ads and television to look, dress, act a certain way, that hearing you are special just the way you are is something everyone should hear.  And that message is ageless, whether you're 3 or 93. 

Any way, that's where I am and what I've been up to lately.    I want to make a conscious effort to write more and get more content out there.  I'm open to suggestion of things to write about.  Feel free to leave feedback and suggestions as well. 

Until next time...   Be Well..

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS...

Depression changes all the questions...   It has been a minute since I've put out an entry.
and that last entry was and is the beginning of something I've wanted to do for some time and that is to thank any and everyone who has had an impact on my life in a way that has changed it.
And I still fully intend to do that. 

At the risk of sounding repetitive and whiny I thought I would take a moment to dump some of my inner thoughts and feelings into a blog and see what shakes out.  Lately I have been in a very deep valley and am not quite sure how to shake it.  This one while not being quite as physically draining as they sometimes can be, has been extremely emotionally draining and has me questioning things.

One of my biggest places of refuge during these times is church.  Not because it's all happy, feel good, get your God on stuff.  But because sometimes something will speak directly to you and snap you out of whatever you're fighting.  And I'm not saying that is all church is good for because it is so much more to me.  But lately, even with the message that should without a doubt kick me in the butt and snap me to (you are good enough)  I felt nothing.   And that scared me more than anything.  To be in a place that means as much to me as my church does and to not feel anything?   Am I that far gone?  Am I beyond help?  I don't understand it.  And I'm not blaming God, or pointing a finger at Him and yelling "why are you doing this to me?"   I'm not at all playing a victim.  I'm confused and a little scared.  I will be the first to admit openly that since our former Head Pastor left I have felt a huge disconnect with my church.   And that isn't a knock on our new Pastor.  He is a brilliant guy whom I consider a friend and have known for years, played ball with him, and even met with a few times outside church to discuss different things.  But something is missing and I feel it's completely on my end. I just don't know what or how to fix it.  Is my cloud of depression keeping me from seeing the bigger picture?    During the service one week they showed a music video by Zach Williams called "Fear Is A Liar' and it talks about fear telling you that you aren't good enough, that you don't deserve happiness, etc..  And while the lyrics are extremely powerful they show these people who are contemplating suicide for different reasons.  One in particular stuck out to me.  It was a guy sitting in his car, in his garage, with the doors shut, engine on, and windows down.  He was just sitting there waiting to die as this song talks about how "fear will take your breath, stop you in your steps, rob you of your rest and steal your happiness."   And instead of being uplifted by this I went numb.  My mind went to the guy wanting to die and wondering how many times did he feel like doing it before he actually tried?  What was the breaking point?  What made him listen and not try the times before that didn't work this time?   And it scared me, I've managed to keep that feeling at bay now for awhile.  But what if there is a time where it comes back and that small voice in my head doesn't tell me to stop and think about the consequences?   At times it has almost been like the cartoon where the angel is on one shoulder and the devil is on the other.  I know I sound completely insane.  I assure you, I am not.  I'm scared.  I've leaned on that little voice telling me all that would be left in my wake if I were to go through with it.  But what happens if that voice is silent?  I would like to think that I am strong enough to do this on my own.  And perhaps that is the problem..  I cannot do this on my own..

The crazy thing is I have prayed and prayed for help, for clarity, for anything to make this make sense.  And so far, I have nothing.  I'm not giving up on Him, I would never do that.  But there are times I feel like I'm by myself on an island and it's a lonely, terrifying feeling.  I'd like to think that I'm good enough.   I'd like to think that in the grand scheme of things I matter.  But I do think I've let this fear rob me of all this.  It's a funny animal this depression thing.  You can have 12 good days in a row where things are fine and you feel human, you feel you can function, and that feeling of depression, despair, anxiety, etc.  is a small dot off on the horizon.   But then you have one bad day, or something happens and wipes all that away.  Some people can just shake it off and keep going.  Others it can drag them down for days or weeks.  I think I am somewhere in the middle.  It will feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and it may take a day or two to get straightened out. 

I don't know..  I don't like to complain and I feel if I try talking about it to anyone that I come off as whiny or weird.  So I keep it to myself.  I figure other people have their own problems without me dumping mine out on them.  And I've learned to just work through them and keep moving. I may get quiet, I may withdraw a little, I'm positive that I can be a little short with people and family and I apologize for that, but as Dory says in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming."  And that's what I do. 

I am slowly working on the whole "it's ok to not be ok" deal.  So I apologize for the downer post.
Thank you so much for letting me vent and get it all out.   I will make it...

Until next time....

Be Well,
Rob

TO MY FAMILY

Ok, so I know in my last entry I shared the idea of doing some entries where I acknowledge some of the people who have impacted my life on a grand scale.  The one's who have come into my life and changed it forever.  Those who have taught me, been there for me, motivated me, or spoke the truth when I didn't want to hear it.   Those who know me best know that I'm not outwardly a feelings guy. 
Like I said in the last entry, I have just come to a point in my life where I'm getting comfortable hugging people.   So this is a huge step for me, and a huge step out of my comfort zone.   It's very exposing and very scary.  I also want to preface it all by saying this: if you don't get mentioned, don't take it personally.  It doesn't mean that you haven't also touched my life in some way.  It's just I can't take the time to write about each and every single person that I've ever met.   If you're curious about where you stand, you are most welcome to shoot me a message, text, email, etc..  And I would be most happy to share you.    That being said, here we go..

I've decided that I'm going to do these in groups that make sense to me.   My family, my friends, and whatever combination of people I can put into groups.  I think it makes sense that way. 

So this first group is one that impacts my life on a daily basis.  The ones that see me and deal with me on a daily basis.  That see me at my best and also at my worst.  The ones whom I have laughed with, cried with, and shared moments with that I will never forget.   This group is of course, my family.
We'll start with the one who has dealt with me the longest. 

To Jill: 
Where do I even begin?  You have share 19 years of your life with me, this year will be 16 years of it that we've been married.  You have been with me through so much.   From working with me all those years ago at Hollywood Video, to our date with Chuck, to all those times at Jerry's doing karaoke, getting engaged, getting married, welcoming our first born into the world, moving a million times to a million places, struggling financially, struggling together being married, separating, giving it another try, welcoming two more babies at once, losing loved ones along the way, welcoming out last born, the list could go on and on and on.  But you know every thing I could list because you were there too.  Marriage is hard.  I have not been the best husband I could possibly be.  I am difficult to live with.  I've gone through some times that I know have been just as trying on you for many reasons.   And I know I still have a long long way to go to be the kind of husband you deserve.
But thank you,  thank you for not ever giving up on me, giving up on us when it would have been so easy to.  Thank you for being supportive even in times where you yourself needed someone to lean on and I wasn't there for you.  Where I let my mess or what I was going through consume me and
I failed to remember that we were a team.  Thank you for second chances,  thank you for going to get
coffee with me that night at Big Boy after we met to discuss our divorce at Friend of the Court.   To this day I remain blown away at how that all worked out.  And I'm so grateful it did work out the way it did.  Thank you for those 4 boys that have become such a major part of our lives.  They are loud, they are entertaining, they never cease to amaze me, and I can't and wouldn't want to imagine our life without them.  And without you going to Big Boy with me that night, 3 of them would have never have come into our lives.  Thank you for continuing to laugh at me after 19 years.  My fear is that one day the laughter would stop and I wasn't sure how I would handle that.  You have no idea how much it does for me to hear you laugh and to be able to make you laugh still after all these years.   We may not be the most mushy couple but I couldn't think of a better person to sit and watch the Olympics with, watch American Ninja Warrior with, watch anything with, and just make fun of the contestants and laugh.   We're childish, our humor can be borderline immature, and sometimes you completely floor me with a one liner that I would never have seen coming, and I love it.   You are one of the few people in life that get to see the real me.  That may be sad that I feel I can't be myself in all facets of life.  But to me it's a comfort level thing.   And you are my comfort zone, my safe space where I can be as weird as I want to be, where I can express fears, thoughts, frustrations, and you listen and give appropriate feed back.  And for that I am so grateful.    You truly are the force that drives our family.  You wear many hats within this family, thank you for everything that you do, everything that you are, and everything that you mean to this family.  I can't even begin to imagine life without you.   It's amazing to look back to 8/20/99 when we started dating and just see how much life has changed around us...  Losing family members, friends, people moving away, friends getting married and having kids. It's crazy to think about.  We may not be rich by any stretch of the imagination.  But I think we've done a great job raising the boys and showing them money isn't everything.   Thank you for sharing life with me.  I love you more than I could possibly express.  I'm proud to be able to say that we defied the odds, stayed together, worked together and have made it when society says it's easier to just give up and throw it all away.   Thank you for fighting with me and for us.   It floors me to see how fast time goes by.  Seems like yesterday we were hanging out at Jerry's every week, now we have a teenager who is starting high school this fall, two boys who will be 9 already, and a Bub who will be in Kindergarten come this fall...   It's amazing to see them grow, see them develop their own personalities, their own sense of humor, likes and dislikes, but also sad to see them growing so quickly.  Here is to the next 19 years... Come what may... 

Caleb: Where do I even start?  Our first born.  You have been through a lot in your 13 years.  You have moved with us several times, been through the separation, gone from being an only child to having 3 little brothers, experiencing what was easily the scariest moment of my being a parent when we totaled my car when you were 5, to you having your first major surgery,   You have always marched to the beat of your own drum.  You gave sports a try and found it wasn't for you.  Then you asked one day if I was disappointed in you because you didn't want to play baseball like I did.  The answer I gave you was and is no.  You are your own person, you are free to like what you choose, do what you choose, and be who you want to be.  My only concern is that you find happiness in whatever you decide to do in life.  You are so incredibly smart, you are driven when you find something you're passionate about. Take your art for example.  You are self taught, you can draw better than anyone I know or have met.  I love seeing your work and love being able to show it and share it with others.  My only disappointment is that you aren't there to see the joy your art brings to everyone who sees it.  Your art has touched many people.  I pray you continue with your art and do something with it as an adult to share it with the world and make a living off of doing something you love.  When you do something you truly love, you'll never work a day in your life.  You are a far better student than I ever was we could not possibly be more proud of you for all of your academic accomplishments so far.  The sky truly is the limit for you.  I realize that I can be hard on you sometimes.   Truth be known, I sometimes tend to be a little harder on you because I know you are capable of so much and so expectations on you are a little higher.  But that isn't a bad thing.  It means I know that you are capable of so much and I don't want to see you rest on your laurels or mail it in at any point.  With the grades you get and the level of artist you've become, you truly could end up choosing to go to school wherever you want to after high school.   Sports were my thing and that's fine.  I wish I could have been the student you are.  Your grades, your art, your music, you are turning into a very well rounded person and I could not possibly be more proud of you.    I know the time is already setting in where dad isn't cool and you won't need dad like you used to.  And I get that, it's part of growing up.  But never forget that I'm always here and you can always talk to me about anything.  Speaking of which, don't think I forgot about the note you wrote me after my episode where I considered suicide.  That meant the world to me.  The things you said in that note were extremely mature and thoughtful.  When it came down to it, I couldn't do it, and I think it's because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you all behind.  Your note helped put things into perspective for me and I will hold on to that note as a reminder of where I need to be and why.   So thank you.  I know you and I but heads a lot, but when push comes to shove there is nothing I wouldn't do for you.
I love you, and I am so excited to see what you do with the future because it's wide open before you and yours for the taking.  Keep working hard, keep learning, keep growing in your art, and keep being thoughtful and kind.  You are on your way to doing great things.

Josh: My oldest twin, my twin of many facial expressions and randomness.   Being a twin can't be easy all the time.  Then being a twin in a family where you have 3 other brothers makes things even more tough.  Sometimes you don't get the one on one attention you deserve and that is something I need to work a little more on and for that I am sorry.  That being said, you are a funny dude.  You say some of the most random, funny, off the wall things I've ever heard a kid say.  Your wit is sharp as a tack which scares the heck out of me for the future, your ability to come back with one liners and get the person who you fired it at is impressive and reminds me of someone else I know...  Me... 
You are goofy, your facial expressions are rivaled by no one, and you are one tough kid.  You remind me a lot of myself (minus the bad hair, bell bottoms, and butterfly collars) and watching you grow up kind of must be like what it was like watching me grow up.  It's definitely interesting for sure.   You have an athletic side that I think if you work hard, practice hard, and don't give up, you will be a great athlete.  It's hard to say what your sport could be, but I'm glad to see you willingly trying so many different sports.  And hopefully you find one and attack it with the same passion I did with baseball.  But much like Caleb, you are your own person, you can decide to do whatever you like and makes you happy.  What you put into and get out of sports is between you and that sport.  I am just your cheerleader and biggest fan on the sidelines, or even coaching you as I've done the past few years.  It has been a pleasure coaching you and seeing you grow as a ballplayer.  You have come a long way and I think you have the potential to be a very good ball player should that be what you choose.   I know I was a little tougher on you and your brother when I coached.  But that is because I see that you guys are capable of so much on the field and I don't want you to cheat yourself by not giving your all.   But while you are good on the field you are better in the classroom.   Seeing you succeed in the classroom and hearing your teacher speak about how well you're doing and how smart you are is a great thing.  You sometimes need to be reminded to focus and why it's important to do work in a timely manner but overall you are extremely bright and if you continue to apply yourself and work hard, the future for you will be bright too.  You have done well in breaking the stereotype of what people think of twins, you are definitely your own person.  You are funny, you are tough, and you're smart.  Thank you for making me laugh, for wrestling with me and letting me beat on you.
I love you, you're my favorite first born twin.

Jonah: My youngest twin.  I think you are a little more quiet than your brother.  You can definitely be loud, don't get me wrong, but I think you are a little more reserved.   You are an extremely smart kid. I also think you have what it takes to be a very good athlete. I think sports may come a little more naturally to you, but I also think that you need to be careful and not rest on your ability because that can lead to not working hard to get better.  And there is always something you could work on to be better.  I have had so much fun coaching you in baseball.  Seeing your throwing and hitting progress.
And to see you taking interest in baseball and basketball is awesome to see.  But much like I told Caleb and Josh, whatever you choose to do, do it to the best of your ability, and if it makes you happy that is ultimately what is important.  You are a very good student as well and it's awesome to see you doing so well in school.  Your teachers always have such nice things to say about you.  And I know you don't understand, but someday you will, as a parent we love hearing that when our kids aren't at home or around us that they know how to behave and apply themselves.  Continue to work hard in school and I promise the future will be wide open for you.  You have also done a great job in showing others that twins while they may look a like, are in fact their own person.  You are a little more reserved I would say than your brother, and you are an extremely thoughtful kid.  You tend to put others feelings in front of your own and that is an amazing thing.  That story you told me of going over to the kid that was crying and trying to cheer him up, that very much shows what kind of person you are.  And it's not the first time we've heard of you doing this.  When you were little at church there was a kid crying and you went and sat with him and didn't really say a word but just sat next to him so he wouldn't be sad.  That is a very mature thing to do and a great thing to do for others.  I hope you never lose that.   The world needs more people like you to help others who are less fortunate or who may need a friend or someone to talk to.  Be that person..   As you and your brother get older I see you guys becoming more independent and needing us less and less.  But there are times you still like to come over and lean against me as you lay on the couch or give random hugs, and that is good and I'll take them any time I can.  You also tend to have a very weird sense of humor and say some pretty random things.  You're a goofy, smart, extremely thoughtful kid.  Thank you for the laughs, for showing me that there is still good in the world, and for letting me beat you up.  I love you kid.

Alex:  My Bub, my last born, my man child.  You are a wonder to behold.  I am so lucky to have been able to spend the first few years of your life at home with you.  I sometimes think that may be a little detrimental given how weird and random you've become.  You are the king of facial expressions and being flat out weird.   Your ability to learn blows me away.  To see how you've picked up numbers, shapes, letters, colors, and even learning to read before kindergarten.  You never cease to amaze me with what you learn and all that you retain.  I know no other 4 year old in my entire life that knows what a do-decagon is, or that can sing the alphabet backwards, or has learned to read as quickly as you have.  You are constantly surprising me with how much you know.   It's awesome to see how you've grown and also a little sad that you're growing up so quickly.   One of the hardest things I've had to do is go back to work after spending a few years at home with you.  I know it was an adjustment for you, but it was a huge adjustment for me.  It has made me appreciate the times we get to spend together even more.  It makes putting you to bed a little less of a chore because I know it's not something I get to do every night anymore.  So I don't get irritated when songs run a little long, or laughing gets a little out of hand.  Because before I know it you will be too big to be sung to, and our routine will change and eventually you'll start putting yourself to bed like your brothers.   I love that you still like sitting with me and don't mind that I fall asleep sometimes while you're sitting with me.
And that you still get excited to see me when I get home or come to pick you up.  I know you're going to be great in kindergarten, you already know so much, if we can just fine tune a few things to make sure you're completely successful everything will be great.  But you will be just fine, I have no doubts.  Your sense of humor is so random and funny.  Thank you for that.  The times you randomly call me Bruce or tell me there is a random animal chasing you.  I know that sometimes you kind of get the short end of the stick because you're little and your older brothers are.. well.. older.  And they don't want to play with you.  So a lot of the time you wind up playing by yourself and are perfectly content.  But every once in awhile I will catch one of your brothers sitting together in the chair. 
Thank you for being my buddy, my pal, my Bub, or any of the other litany of nicknames I seem to come up with for you.  I love you and I am so excited to see you continue to grow into the giant that you are becoming.


There you have it. My family, the greatest thing ever to happen to me..  My source of joy, frustration, anger, and pride.  I couldn't and would never want to imagine life without them.  I never wanted to get married or have kids.  I'm glad someone else had other plans for me...


So there you have it.  One group down, and I'm sure there are some who are a little weirded out at seeing me say such things.  It's always there, but like I said, I'm just not a guy who can convey them into actual words.  Plus this way, it's there for them to read whenever they want or should I not be here in the future at some point.

That is all for now, next up will be some friends..

Until next time..

Be Well,
Rob

Time In A Bottle....

There was a great song by Jim Croce call Time In A Bottle.. And one half verse in particular sticks with me....
"If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure"

Read on and you'll see why..... 


So the other night I was in the ER.  For the 2nd time in 6 months I ended up there with an extremely
tight chest, was dizzy, had heartburn, and my bp shot up to 171/101.    And as I laid on the hospital bed after my x-rays, my blood work, the doctor playing 20 questions and poking me all over the chest and abdomen, I started thinking about life...

I know, weird.  But hey, when you're by yourself and it's 3 in the morning your mind tends to wander a little.  I started thinking about my life and what it is as opposed to what I thought it'd be.  Thinking about how my life couldn't possibly be any more different than I thought it'd be.  For years and years I stood  by my never wanting to get married and have kids.  My goal was to play baseball until the wheels fell off and then move on to something I loved doing and enjoy just living. 23 years have passed, been married for 15 of it, have 4 boys..  I don't think I could have ended up at any further end of the spectrum.  But who am I to question things?  Would I change anything?  No.  Don't get me wrong I miss baseball.  But I'm at a point now where I couldn't possibly imagine life being any other way.  Is it stressful, hard, sometimes too much?  Absolutely it is.  But then there are times of bringing new life into this world (sometimes two at a time...),  there are milestone anniversaries, there is overcoming odds and fighting against society norms of disposable marriages in a time where most would just walk away.  There are first steps, first days of school, first ballgames, seeing them Christmas morning and rediscovering what Christmas felt like again as a child.  There are first words spoken, unplanned moments of everything falling into place if only for a few hours where everyone is happy, everyone is having fun, there is no fighting, there is peace.  And time slows down for those moments noticeably.  And you become aware of your surroundings and see all this going on around you and how perfect it can be, and you can allow yourself to take a step back amidst all that is going on and just take it in and live in that moment.  And know that it's all the crap, all the pain, hurt, and stress in life that leads you to those moments and allows you to enjoy those moments on a level that is special and unique because that's what those moments are, they're special, unique, and rare.  But it's those moments that get you through life.  It's those moments that offer you temporary amnesia from the real world, if only for that little while.  But even though those times are fleeting and only last but a short period of time, isn't it amazing how that small period of peace and happiness can refuel you?
How that time where everything comes together perfectly can completely change your outlook on life, can take that pain, hurt, and stress and cast it away, reminding you of what is still good in life and what truly matters.   

To me these moments are instantly burned into my memory.  Moments like the entire family playing with bubbles in our driveway, seeing the kids laughing and chasing them around the yard.   Moments like an impromptu picnic at a park by the lake,  a day spent at Michigan Adventure where things just fall into place.  The times are so simple and organic and you just know you're in a moment that will be remembered.  And it would be easy to say "man, I wish it could be that way all the time.."   And part of me does.  But, I also know that if times were like that all the time you wouldn't appreciate them as much as you do those times are few and far between.  It's those times in the few and far between that give you that perspective and ability to enjoy the perfect times so much more.  So in that aspect I'm grateful for the times I go through.  Do I wish they were a little less severe sometimes?  Of course, but all you can do is play the hand you're dealt to the best of your ability and live life as it comes at you.  This job, this depression, anxiety, it's part of who I am.  But it is also plays a part in helping me to recognize the bigger picture and hang on. 

That being said, my thought process after all this in the hospital was thinking about the people who mean the most to me in my life.  People who throughout my life have stood by me throughout the good times and bad, who were there to pick me up and brush me off, or kick me in the butt when needed.  I always thought life was about how many friends you had surrounding you.  But the older I get the more I realize that it's much better to have a select group of friends who you have shared life with than a room full of acquaintances who are only there for you when it's best for them.  I have a group of friends that I'm fortunate to say have been in my life for almost 20 years now.  And I have a family that supports me and has been there for me through all this. 

I'm not a big in your face, feelings kinda guy.  I'll hug people and believe me that has taken some time to come around to doing.  But I'm not one for open communication of feelings.  It's just who I am.  So what I would like use my blog for the next few entries to reach out and tell some people what they've meant to me, how they've impacted my life, and how thankful I am for them.  This is by no means a slight against anyone who may or may not be mentioned.  But in life there are certain people who play bigger roles and for that I'm grateful.  There will be family and friends mentioned.  And I haven't decided if I am going to do a series of short blogs and do one per.  Or if I am going to do multiple people per blog.  Either way my point behind this is life is short.   I'm 40 years old... I was just 18 yesterday..  And bigger picture is that tomorrow is never guaranteed.  And I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to leave this life and not have the people who impacted me most know that they did and how appreciative I am for them. 

But for now I will wrap this up and start compiling a list and thinking about what it is that I want to say.   Thank you all for reading, just by reading this you are showing me support and I am so grateful for that and for you.  I'd like more feedback in the comments section but the numbers show me that you're there and reading and that is so awesome. 

Until next time, keep reading...

Be Well,
Rob

I'M STILL ALIVE..

I know it's been a minute since I've posted and I apologize.  Something weird happens to me when it comes to writing.  I do it in spurts.  I get super motivated and go on a run and can hammer out blogs with no problem.  Topics, subject matter, free writing, I don't seem to have a problem with getting them done.   Then I go through stretches like I am now.  I want to write but have no motivation, I just sit here look at the screen and then close my blog and go on to something else.  I can't make myself write to save my life.  And I want to, I definitely want to but something blocks me, that block turns to frustration, frustration leads to indifference, and I walk away.  Usually with the thought that it's better to walk away than to put out something I feel is sub par and waste the time of whoever decides to read this.

That being said, I'm forcing myself to write tonight.  I don't want to.... I mean, I do, but I have no topic, no structure, no direction and I'm struggling to keep the train on the tracks here.  So I apologize and don't blame you for clicking that X in the upper right hand corner.

I'm still alive.  I am still struggling with whatever this depression monster is.   I have more good days than bad, and that to me is something.  But I've noticed lately I'm bottoming out more quickly and I think that it's kind of a trade off.  Instead of crashing hard, shutting down, and fighting all the thoughts and doubts, I just have a day where things feel very down, where I don't want to do anything, where I feel anxious about life.  Then the next day it's fine.  I'm not sure honestly which is worse but this way feels like it's a lot less damaging or severe.  Upside is I haven't really had thoughts of suicide in awhile which is big.  Downside, I'm killing myself anyway via stressing myself out.  I don't do it intentionally and most times I don't realize I'm in the midst of a stress issue until my stomach starts hurting or I end up with a stress headache.  I can see were people would turn to a substance to numb themselves but that isn't a route I will ever take. 

Ever feel like you can't get a grip on life whatsoever?   That's how I feel.  It's like I have all these things I want to do, ways I want to help people, ways to make a difference, but I don't even know where to begin...  And it is beyond frustrating because I feel like I was put here to make a difference
somehow and I am ready, willing, and waiting for whatever calling that may be.  But my patience has never been a strong point with me.  I want answers when I want them and I know that isn't how it works and it never has.  When you were a kid and your parents told you to clean your room and you go  and just stand in the middle of your room, look around, and not have a clue where to begin because it's so cluttered...  That's how I feel.  Like I'm standing in the middle of life, looking around, seeing everything I want to do before me, and not having a clue where to begin.  And it's almost
paralyzing in that you can see all of it around you, it's right there in front of you, but you can't reach out and touch it, you can't get over to it to take care of it and make it happen.  Perhaps I'm just a lost
cause destine to always have ideas but never get to make any of them come to fruition.  And I'm not
ok with that, but what do you do?   And I'm not playing the helpless victim role because I know that
I'm not a victim of anything other than my inability to set a course of action into motion.    So what do I do?   I am desperate for help, for guidance, for anything that will send me crashing through that glass ceiling that I keep hitting. 

I'm still here, I'm still alive.   One positive of this job that I work overnight is that it's brought a new appreciation for my family.  I look forward to the times of seeing them more (not that I didn't before but it's a new level of appreciation).  Sure the kids still can be a bit much sometimes, and the stress of life is still there, but seeing my 4yr old so happy to see me is pretty awesome, and it's made the time of putting him to bed that we spend together a little more meaningful, the other boys tend to act a little more excited when they ask if I have to work that night and I say no.   And it's led to some more frequent games of family UNO.  So there is some good that has come from this job. 
I'm still hoping to land back on days at some point very soon.   I am trying to keep the positives in focus and keep the big picture in perspective.  Sometimes that's hard, like when you are facing three 13 hours shifts in a row and only getting 5 hours of sleep in between.  Or when your 4 year old tells you that he doesn't want you to go to work.   But I know ultimately it's for the best and that I'm actually contributing to the good of our family again.

Anyway,  this blog wasn't done with any intention of laying down something memorable or meaningful really.  More along the lines of forcing myself to sit down and write. To get that feeling of letting thoughts go from brain, to keyboard, to screen and see my thoughts appear on this blank white page.   And I'll admit it feels good.  I wish I had something more substantial to write about but maybe it's just about habit and showing myself it can still be done..  Even when I don't want to or maybe am not feeling it.

So with that I'm going to sign off for now and hopefully do this again within the next few days
and maybe stumble upon a topic, feeling, or something to write about.

Until next time..

Be Well,
Rob

SMELLS LIKE NOSTALGIA...

I will start off by saying Happy New Year!  And I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas and if not Christmas, then a Happy insert holiday here!   

That being said, I have blogged in the past about how big of an influence music is in my life.  I could not live without it.  It's amazing how it holds the key that unlocks so many memories for me.  I'm sure there are others who are like me, but I can always tie a song or cd to a moment or period of time and that song will forever be linked to it.  It's a very powerful thing for me.  And there are songs that by all rights I should dislike because they're terrible but they've manage to adhere themselves to a memory and they become loved and held on to.

I've noticed as I get older that smells are also a way I'm remembering things.  It's not quite as fun because a lot of the time it leads to frustration.  I'll catch the scent of something and I KNOW I recognize it and I want so badly to place it but I just can't.  And then some time later I will some how unearth that memory and I can't remember what the smell was that triggered it.   Or maybe, I'm a headcase.  I wouldn't rule that out either.  Either way that too is a powerful trigger. 

I had such a moment this past Sunday.  And luckily for me it was very easily identified and welcomed at the same time.  You see, I first attended my church when I was 14 back some time ago.
Shortly after I started going semi-regularly the church relocated to it's current location.  And I can vividly remember walking into the church for the first time and thinking it had a unique smell.  Not a bad smell mind you and not one I can even describe or compare to anything.  But it was distinctive nonetheless.  And I instantly tied that scent to our church and every time I walked in it would wash over me and there was a sense of comfort and almost a sense of being home.  Over the years one of two things has probably happened.
1. I've grown older and my sense of smell has someone lessened.
or
2. I've grown accustom to the scent of my church having gone there regularly now for 12 or so years, and having worked there for about a 6 month period.   

But this Sunday we arrived, and as usual I took the boys over to where they attend service and checked them in.  Made my way across the commons and into the hallway leading to the sanctuary.
Then it happened, I walked through the doors of the sanctuary and it was like I walked right into a wall. Only the wall was that familiar scent that had hit me the first time I ever walked into the original sanctuary. And instantly I was taken back to being 14 or 15 and walking into the church for the first time.  And I just wanted to stop and capture that scent and somehow keep it with me.  I couldn't help but smile to myself, and that feeling of peace and being home again washed over me.
I couldn't tell you what caused that smell to all of a sudden come forward that day.  I can't compare the smell to anything in the world.  But it's the smell of home and peace.  It's the smell of hope and contentment.  It's a feeling I wish everyone could live in if for only 30 seconds, to see what it's truly like to feel no worries and to have that wave of happiness and feeling of home wash over you. It's a smell that I also selfishly wish I could have to myself anytime I needed that fix of feelings.  But I know it doesn't work that way.  Like I said, I don't know what caused it, where it came from, or why
it suddenly was there after so many years of being absent and forgotten about.  But I'm glad it was. 

After the rocky year 2017 turned out to be for me personally, it was a nice way to put this year to bed and end it on a note much better than the one it started on. 

2017 was an eye opening year for me and one I am honestly glad to see end.  I know that it's just a number and has no bearing on what your life is like or what you go through.  But the changing of the number is symbolic in the renewing of hope, the hope that this new number/year will be better than the year before.   That somehow the changing of the year will bring a change in luck, change in self, change in whatever it is you think needs changing.  Me, there is a ton that needs to be worked on. 
I'm still a mess, I still have more days that are down than are not.  I still find myself from time to time wondering if I made a mistake in sticking around, because I still feel like the person who stands in the back of the room at a party.  You don't really notice they are there, and you wouldn't notice if they weren't.  And I assure you, I'm not fishing for compliments or sympathy, that's not how I am.  I just figure I've been completely open and honest with you about all of this so far that I won't stop now.
It is uncomfortable to read I'm sure, I guess that it is by the way it's horribly uncomfortable to write and hear myself say it in my head. I don't like this person.  And it's not multiple personalities, but it definitely is another side of me that I don't like.  I don't like when that side visits unannounced, when it reminds you that nobody would care if you weren't around.  And that in fact, some may be better off that way because they don't have you as a burden around their neck dragging them down with you.  That you desperately want to be happy but that want is an itch that you can never ever manage to scratch. And worse just when you seem to get a pinpoint on that itch and go to scratch it, it relocates and the search begins all over again.  I see others who have it together, and I want that.  I want to matter, I want to make a difference, I want to help others desperately but I can't even help myself.  It's that feeling of being a little kid and being told to clean your disaster of a room and not knowing where to start and you feel paralyzed by confusion and not knowing where to start or what to do.   Yeah, that's me...

Anyway, sorry for the plummet this entry took.  Not my intention.   Hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year and I'll post again soon.

Until then, Be Well...

Rob

Minivan Mafia

This may be a post that you may start reading and then stop a little way into it and that's ok.
This particular entry is directed at a certain group of people.

10 years ago I begrudgingly made the decision to join a small group at our church.  We joined through friends of ours who invited us.  I will be the first to admit that the thought of giving up every other Sunday to go to group was about as appealing as playing hornet hive pinata.   But I did it because I knew it was good for me and it was a chance to deepen my faith through fellowship with others.   And so we went.  Now mind you, out of this group of 10 total (5 couples) 4 people now work at the church, 3 are on pastoral staff, 1 works in the offices, 2 more are on the worship team.  That to me is pretty intimidating.  I started off very intimidated by this group of people.  At that time they weren't all on church staff, but nonetheless they were light years ahead of me in faith, knowledge of religion, living it daily, etc..  I felt like an outsider.  They did everything to dispel that feeling and over the course of time my comfort level grew.

We did studies, we did programs, we volunteered in the community.  We caroled one Christmas and handed out gas cards to people, we volunteered at the homeless shelter, prepared dinner and gave a Christmas service. We even did a worship night at the church and invited others to come and listen to music, fellowship, and experience what small groups were like.    And while our community service may have fallen off a little throughout the years one thing remained consistent, our attendance.
Our group had the best overall attendance and that was something we were very proud of.  We all made the effort to be there.

All that being said a series of events as of late has altered the course of our group.   Our leaders decided it was time they step down and step away from the group to pursue other interest, they had
a lot on their plates, and were just plain tired.  And that is totally understandable.  So with that our group met one final time after they left to discuss our groups future.  And I had a feeling as soon as the leaders left that the group would ultimately dissolve.  And that isn't through fault of anyone.  It just felt like maybe our time being a group had run it's course.  We still enjoyed fellowship and hanging out but the question was asked.  If the group decided to split would you seek another group on your own?

Here is my honest answer,  no, I wouldn't.   And it's not out of lack of wanting to.  But I don't feel strong enough in my faith to seek another group.  I deal with anxiety and it takes me awhile to warm up to group settings and with all that is going on with me I just don't feel comfortable starting over or like I would be at my best to start again.  Maybe that will change. maybe it won't, I can't honestly answer that.  Only time will tell.  But after being part of such a great group it will be hard to find a group and not put expectations on that group to live up to the group we started out in.  We could not have asked for a better group to land in and I am so grateful for that.

That being said.  The point of this entry is to simply say thank you..  Thank you to the leaders of this group who lead us brilliantly for 10 years not only in our group but outside as well.  Making hospital visits, and sharing life events with everyone in the group from births, to deaths, to celebrations of different varieties.   We are so blessed to know you guys not only from group but long before our group, and it's been awesome watching our kids grow, and getting to experience life with you guys.
We love you guys and we are excited to see what the future holds for you guys.  Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this group and for helping me grow in my faith.

To the rest of the group:  Thank you for everything you have done for myself and our family.
We are so lucky to have you all in our lives and the past 10 years have far exceeded what I thought they would the first few times we came to group.  From game nights, to family gatherings, we have had the pleasure of watching all of our families grow from when we started and there were very few kids total, to now where the total number of kids out numbers the total number of adults in the group.  And it has been amazing seeing you all come up to the hospital to welcome our last 3 kids. 
You guys have helped me personally grow in ways I didn't think were possible.  I let very few people in on some of the things I have shared at group.  But I felt comfortable enough to share these things knowing that I had support from the group.   I know I may not have talked a lot during discussions and studies, but I was definitely listening and learning.  A lot of the times I felt like anything I had to say wouldn't really contribute much to the discussion so I was happy to listen to those who's faith and knowledge are far greater than mine and absorb through their words.   Like when I work wrestling shows and just sit and listen to veterans of the business tells stories and share their wisdom, I am most happy to sit there and listen.   And I've learned so much from you guys.  And I've grown so much from listening to your words and implementing them into my life and everyday practices.
What I have taken away from this group is something I could never possibly explain or repay.  And thank you doesn't seem like nearly enough.

In closing, I am extremely sad to see our group come to an end.   Do I think it's time?  I can't say yes because that would be admitting that it is.  And while I'm sad to see it end, I am so honored and blessed to have been a part of it.  In a time where small groups were the focus point in our church we lead by example and that is something to be very proud of.   All good things must eventually come to an end, and so too does our group.   Thank you all so very much for everything throughout the past 10 years.   My hope is that we keep supporting each other as we did in our group throughout life events that may come in the future.  That we find time to talk to one another, maybe even get together once in awhile for old times sake with our families.   Thank you so much and we love you guys.  Life will go forward, but we will forever be The Minivan Mafia....

I know this wasn't a normal blog for me and I will get back to those soon enough.

Until Next Time..

Be Well

So This Is 40....

So here I am...   Officially 40...  I have to say it's very strange for me to say that and even more weird to hear it.  Do I feel 40?  Not even close.   I still feel the same as I did when I was 18.  My body likes to remind me that this isn't the case anymore.   Not that I was expecting some great change in feeling, being, life, the minute I turned 40.  But, it's a pretty big milestone birthday ya know?   It signifies that your life is half over.. I'm kidding of course.   But it is a big step and a step further away from the person I used to be.  I can still remember conversations had during lunch my senior year of high school and that all feels like it was just a few months ago and not 22 years ago.

I still don't have life figured out, and at this point, I'm starting to think two things. 
1. I never will.
2. I don't think anyone ever really has figured this thing out.. 
And that is both ok and frustrating.   Am I where I thought I would be at 40?  Not even close.
Do I know where I wanted to be at 40?  Nope, and I still don't.  I wish I did though.
My life at 18 was baseball and social life.  My cares didn't go beyond what I was doing that weekend.
40 seemed so far off and SOOO OLD..    But I was sure I'd be somewhere doing something important, making a difference somehow.   I'm doing my best to not over analyze my life to this point and play the would've/should've game.   Life is such that even one small detour on the road of life can take you somewhere that you would have never guessed but wouldn't change for the world. 
At 18 I had no intentions of ever getting married, and did not want kids.   But a job I took while in college led me to my future wife, which led to getting married, which led to having 4 boys.  Is that the path I thought life would choose for me?  Not at all, but I wouldn't change a thing.  If I had gone a different route, there would be no meeting her, no making lifelong friends at that job that have become like family, and no having 4 boys to drive me absolutely insane.  Funny how life works things out sometimes isn't it? 

Even my way of celebrating birthdays has changed.  21 was spent bar hopping with friends, 30 was spent hanging out with those lifelong friends over drinks and music, and 40 was spent with my parents and my family eating a quiet dinner at a restaurant.   And it was nice.  This birthday was the best I have had in a long time.   It was nice to sit there and look around the table at my family and all that I have been blessed with and for that moment in time, there was peace and contentment.  Something I haven't felt in a very long time.  Especially with all that has gone on in the last few months.  Last night went a long way in showing me that I matter and that if I weren't here none of this would be either, and that there is a lot to leave behind.  Is this the end of depression for me?  Most likely not, and I'm sure that it will rear it's ugly head sooner than I care for it to.  But learning to live in the moment and take things a day at a time, a moment at a time like last night,   that sure helps things.    I will continue to struggle within myself, I will have days where I feel like a huge burden to everyone, I will have days where I have thoughts that would scare most people senseless, but I am safe.   Safe in knowing that there is hope beyond the struggle of that moment in time.  Safe in knowing I have a support system to lean on when I can't stand on my own.  Safe in knowing He will never leave me, even in my darkest hour.  Safe in knowing that tomorrow will come because I let it, and choose to not act on thoughts or feelings. 

Ending on a positive note, I set a goal of $500 to raise for suicide prevention and through the generosity of others who have felt moved to donate either through personal experience, my story, or someone they know battling this, we are currently at $325.  There is still time left if you want to help get to that goal simply by going to   https://www.facebook.com/donate/1971683886486809/ 
and donating whatever you feel moved to donate.  Anything and everything is accepted and so gratefully appreciated.   Thank you to all of you who have felt moved to donate.   You are greatly appreciated and loved.   This also has gone a long way in showing me that there people outside my family who care and that is amazing.  Again, thank you.

Thank you to all who took a second to send birthday wishes.  You all have made turning 40 so much easier than I thought it'd be.  I love you all.

I will wrap this up for now.  Take a minute to share my blog with someone, subscribe, comment and let me know who you are and where you're from.  You're all very important.

Until next time,

Stand up, Speak up, Don't Give Up,

Rob