The Less You Speak, The More You Hear....

Hi, my name is Rob and I am an introvert...   To those who truly know me this is about as shocking as being told water is wet.  But, there are some that this could possibly surprise.   I have never been one of those people who could jump on stage and perform, or put themselves out there without thinking twice.  I want to be, I so desperately would love to be that kinda person.   But my own line of thinking has sabotaged any chance of that happening.   How you might ask?    Let's flashback to my High School years.  I wasn't always this introverted.  At High School dances I would jump on stage with 4-5 other guys and dance YMCA and act like a complete fool, I would make scenes at restaurants just to make others laugh,  I was very outspoken and opinionated.   And it's that stage of my life that has made me the opposite today..    Head spinning yet?  Do I sound enough like a complete head case?   I am afraid of the person I used to be.. Because I KNOW they are out there.   I was horribly judgmental, and made fun of people for everything they did that I thought wasn't cool (like I was Fonzie and the epitome of cool).    So when I want to let go, sing, dance, do something crazy in front of people, I instantly think about 17 yr old me and KNOW that there someone like that around that will make fun of me or judge me.   It's really quite sad.  I shouldn't care what people think of me.  But sadly, I do.   Funny thing is, I don't care if you like me.  But I won't give you a reason to make fun of me or judge me.   As I stop to re-read this I realize how perfectly crazy I sound...

But there is a whole other side to my being introverted.  I don't talk a whole lot.  If you know me and I'm comfortable around you I will talk all day.  I will act goofy and do the things I'm afraid of being judged for.  I will let go and not care.  But there are so few that I've reached that level with.

Take my small group for example.  I have NO problems with them.  I like them all and trust them to the point I've shared some very personal things with them.  But during our group meetings and lessons I don't speak out very often.  Sometimes not at all.  Is it because I'm bored or don't want to be there?  Not at all.  I am listening, contemplating, and learning.  But I don't have anything to contribute, I don't feel comfortable speaking up, I learn more by keeping my mouth shut and taking it all in from those who do know more than me.  But I get the distinct feeling that some in our group may take issue with my being quiet.  And that bothers me a little.  If someone could spend a group in my mind and body they would see what it feels like to be me.  What it feels like to not feel like you know enough to contribute, to not feel confident enough to talk. But to also see just how much I am getting out of watching and listening to everyone around me.  It's not a slight against the group, it's not me being lazy or not caring, it's me being me.  And I have honestly considered leaving our group because of all this.  I don't see too many true introverts in our group, not to the level I am.  Sure, everyone has a group or two where they don't contribute as much or sometimes even at all.  But I feel like maybe they think I'm holding everyone back.  And that's the last thing I want to do.    So I struggle with the feelings of wanting to go, not wanting to go, not wanting to talk, wanting to talk, and where I fit in among everyone else.   Good Lord, I think I may need a shrink...

My level of being an introvert climbed to the next level recently..  I look back on this incident with humor and a slight amount of horror.  Let me fill you in:

Jill and I were shopping at Tanger's Outlet Mall in Howell recently..  She ducked into Maurices and was in there for about an hour.  It was a beautiful day so I decided to park it on a bench outside the store and people watch for awhile.  So, I've been sitting there about 30 minutes, minding my own business, texting with Chuck, watching people, enjoying the weather, when it happened........   A gentleman who was a little older than I am comes walking up the walk.  I can see by his facial expression and body language he's looking to sit down..  I have three choices to make right now..  1. Get up and leave.     2. Lay down on the bench and deny him room.    3. Suck it up and pretend he doesn't exist.    I chose option 3.  I'm someone who HATES small talk.  If you're a complete stranger and you attempt small talk, I will shut you down most likely.   It's uncomfortable, it's awkward, and it's not necessary.  Every silence does NOT need to be filled with talk of the weather, sports, or random crap I care nothing about discussing with you.  I'm someone who can sit in silence and stare at you for 30 minutes and be perfectly fine.    But this guy apparently did NOT share my views on this...   He ambles over and parks it next to me on the bench..  And you can just feel that he's going to talk to me.  It's inevitable...  So I continue to text on my phone and read random Tweets that I subscribe to.  Hoping he'll see me doing this and take a hint...    Wrong.....  Dead wrong....   Here's how the conversation went...  We'll call him Amirite Guy because that's what he likes to say..  For those of you unfamiliar with Amirite.. Here is the definition of the word..

amirite

A word that draws attention to a particularly clever (or not so much) play on words. Used primary on internet message boards.

How about this weather???  If it were any hotter you could cook eggs on the sidewalk Amirite??

Amirite Guy: Shopping with the wife, how about you?

Me: Yeah, she's in the store behind me...

Amirite Guy:  This shopping stuff is brutal Amirite???

Me: Yeah ( going for the shut down)

Amirite Guy:  Look at all these bags we're carrying, we're a couple of bags short of being pack mules Amirite??

Me: Yeah, pretty much.

Ok, this is where I'm not proud of myself....  Yet, I think it to be pretty funny.  I can tell he's going to keep talking and turn this into a raging dumpster fire..  As we're sitting there I slyly hit the volume button on my phone and raise the volume up then hit "test" to play my ringtone....  Can you see where this is headed??  My ringtone starts playing...  I let it go for 2-3 seconds then silence it or "answer my phone"...   And I pretend to take a phone call..  In FULL conversation with absolutely no one.  He's looking at me and I hold up the one finger like I'm telling him "sorry, I need to take this call it'll be a minute.."   He starts fiddling with his bag, and after about 30-40 seconds of me talking to NOBODY, he finally gets up and walks into the store where his wife is..   I stop the conversation but cautiously keep the phone to my ear for about 10 seconds to make sure he's not watching me and waiting to spring through the door and hit me with more AMIRITES...   I put my phone down and continue to text and read, about 5 minutes later he comes out with his wife and they head the opposite way...  Phew...  Crisis averted...  Part of me feels bad for shutting Amirite Guy down, part of me is self high fiving myself for creative thinking to get myself out of forced awkward conversation.

But that little interaction is a snippet into how I feel about small talk.  If I don't know you and we have no real topic to discuss it's better to just remain silent.   If I know you, I will talk with you.  I'm still not the strongest at small conversations but I will talk to you because I care enough to talk to you.  It's weird.  And I wish I didn't feel that way but it's who I am.

I took two aptitude tests just for giggles to see what kind of job they would recommend for me.  Both tests told me I should be a writer..  Is there something to this?  I do love writing... And it instantly brought to mind a quote I once heard about being an introverted writer..

John Green once said “Writing is something you do alone. Its a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don't want to make eye contact while doing it."

It's a sad but true statement.  I love writing.  I love using humor and making people laugh.  And if I can make people laugh through my written or typed words then mission accomplished.  I couldn't do nearly as well face to face.

But hey, my being introverted just broke my 2 month slump of not writing here.   And hopefully this will launch another run of entries in the upcoming weeks and months....


Until Next Time....

Be Well