Minivan Mafia

This may be a post that you may start reading and then stop a little way into it and that's ok.
This particular entry is directed at a certain group of people.

10 years ago I begrudgingly made the decision to join a small group at our church.  We joined through friends of ours who invited us.  I will be the first to admit that the thought of giving up every other Sunday to go to group was about as appealing as playing hornet hive pinata.   But I did it because I knew it was good for me and it was a chance to deepen my faith through fellowship with others.   And so we went.  Now mind you, out of this group of 10 total (5 couples) 4 people now work at the church, 3 are on pastoral staff, 1 works in the offices, 2 more are on the worship team.  That to me is pretty intimidating.  I started off very intimidated by this group of people.  At that time they weren't all on church staff, but nonetheless they were light years ahead of me in faith, knowledge of religion, living it daily, etc..  I felt like an outsider.  They did everything to dispel that feeling and over the course of time my comfort level grew.

We did studies, we did programs, we volunteered in the community.  We caroled one Christmas and handed out gas cards to people, we volunteered at the homeless shelter, prepared dinner and gave a Christmas service. We even did a worship night at the church and invited others to come and listen to music, fellowship, and experience what small groups were like.    And while our community service may have fallen off a little throughout the years one thing remained consistent, our attendance.
Our group had the best overall attendance and that was something we were very proud of.  We all made the effort to be there.

All that being said a series of events as of late has altered the course of our group.   Our leaders decided it was time they step down and step away from the group to pursue other interest, they had
a lot on their plates, and were just plain tired.  And that is totally understandable.  So with that our group met one final time after they left to discuss our groups future.  And I had a feeling as soon as the leaders left that the group would ultimately dissolve.  And that isn't through fault of anyone.  It just felt like maybe our time being a group had run it's course.  We still enjoyed fellowship and hanging out but the question was asked.  If the group decided to split would you seek another group on your own?

Here is my honest answer,  no, I wouldn't.   And it's not out of lack of wanting to.  But I don't feel strong enough in my faith to seek another group.  I deal with anxiety and it takes me awhile to warm up to group settings and with all that is going on with me I just don't feel comfortable starting over or like I would be at my best to start again.  Maybe that will change. maybe it won't, I can't honestly answer that.  Only time will tell.  But after being part of such a great group it will be hard to find a group and not put expectations on that group to live up to the group we started out in.  We could not have asked for a better group to land in and I am so grateful for that.

That being said.  The point of this entry is to simply say thank you..  Thank you to the leaders of this group who lead us brilliantly for 10 years not only in our group but outside as well.  Making hospital visits, and sharing life events with everyone in the group from births, to deaths, to celebrations of different varieties.   We are so blessed to know you guys not only from group but long before our group, and it's been awesome watching our kids grow, and getting to experience life with you guys.
We love you guys and we are excited to see what the future holds for you guys.  Thank you for allowing us to be a part of this group and for helping me grow in my faith.

To the rest of the group:  Thank you for everything you have done for myself and our family.
We are so lucky to have you all in our lives and the past 10 years have far exceeded what I thought they would the first few times we came to group.  From game nights, to family gatherings, we have had the pleasure of watching all of our families grow from when we started and there were very few kids total, to now where the total number of kids out numbers the total number of adults in the group.  And it has been amazing seeing you all come up to the hospital to welcome our last 3 kids. 
You guys have helped me personally grow in ways I didn't think were possible.  I let very few people in on some of the things I have shared at group.  But I felt comfortable enough to share these things knowing that I had support from the group.   I know I may not have talked a lot during discussions and studies, but I was definitely listening and learning.  A lot of the times I felt like anything I had to say wouldn't really contribute much to the discussion so I was happy to listen to those who's faith and knowledge are far greater than mine and absorb through their words.   Like when I work wrestling shows and just sit and listen to veterans of the business tells stories and share their wisdom, I am most happy to sit there and listen.   And I've learned so much from you guys.  And I've grown so much from listening to your words and implementing them into my life and everyday practices.
What I have taken away from this group is something I could never possibly explain or repay.  And thank you doesn't seem like nearly enough.

In closing, I am extremely sad to see our group come to an end.   Do I think it's time?  I can't say yes because that would be admitting that it is.  And while I'm sad to see it end, I am so honored and blessed to have been a part of it.  In a time where small groups were the focus point in our church we lead by example and that is something to be very proud of.   All good things must eventually come to an end, and so too does our group.   Thank you all so very much for everything throughout the past 10 years.   My hope is that we keep supporting each other as we did in our group throughout life events that may come in the future.  That we find time to talk to one another, maybe even get together once in awhile for old times sake with our families.   Thank you so much and we love you guys.  Life will go forward, but we will forever be The Minivan Mafia....

I know this wasn't a normal blog for me and I will get back to those soon enough.

Until Next Time..

Be Well

So This Is 40....

So here I am...   Officially 40...  I have to say it's very strange for me to say that and even more weird to hear it.  Do I feel 40?  Not even close.   I still feel the same as I did when I was 18.  My body likes to remind me that this isn't the case anymore.   Not that I was expecting some great change in feeling, being, life, the minute I turned 40.  But, it's a pretty big milestone birthday ya know?   It signifies that your life is half over.. I'm kidding of course.   But it is a big step and a step further away from the person I used to be.  I can still remember conversations had during lunch my senior year of high school and that all feels like it was just a few months ago and not 22 years ago.

I still don't have life figured out, and at this point, I'm starting to think two things. 
1. I never will.
2. I don't think anyone ever really has figured this thing out.. 
And that is both ok and frustrating.   Am I where I thought I would be at 40?  Not even close.
Do I know where I wanted to be at 40?  Nope, and I still don't.  I wish I did though.
My life at 18 was baseball and social life.  My cares didn't go beyond what I was doing that weekend.
40 seemed so far off and SOOO OLD..    But I was sure I'd be somewhere doing something important, making a difference somehow.   I'm doing my best to not over analyze my life to this point and play the would've/should've game.   Life is such that even one small detour on the road of life can take you somewhere that you would have never guessed but wouldn't change for the world. 
At 18 I had no intentions of ever getting married, and did not want kids.   But a job I took while in college led me to my future wife, which led to getting married, which led to having 4 boys.  Is that the path I thought life would choose for me?  Not at all, but I wouldn't change a thing.  If I had gone a different route, there would be no meeting her, no making lifelong friends at that job that have become like family, and no having 4 boys to drive me absolutely insane.  Funny how life works things out sometimes isn't it? 

Even my way of celebrating birthdays has changed.  21 was spent bar hopping with friends, 30 was spent hanging out with those lifelong friends over drinks and music, and 40 was spent with my parents and my family eating a quiet dinner at a restaurant.   And it was nice.  This birthday was the best I have had in a long time.   It was nice to sit there and look around the table at my family and all that I have been blessed with and for that moment in time, there was peace and contentment.  Something I haven't felt in a very long time.  Especially with all that has gone on in the last few months.  Last night went a long way in showing me that I matter and that if I weren't here none of this would be either, and that there is a lot to leave behind.  Is this the end of depression for me?  Most likely not, and I'm sure that it will rear it's ugly head sooner than I care for it to.  But learning to live in the moment and take things a day at a time, a moment at a time like last night,   that sure helps things.    I will continue to struggle within myself, I will have days where I feel like a huge burden to everyone, I will have days where I have thoughts that would scare most people senseless, but I am safe.   Safe in knowing that there is hope beyond the struggle of that moment in time.  Safe in knowing I have a support system to lean on when I can't stand on my own.  Safe in knowing He will never leave me, even in my darkest hour.  Safe in knowing that tomorrow will come because I let it, and choose to not act on thoughts or feelings. 

Ending on a positive note, I set a goal of $500 to raise for suicide prevention and through the generosity of others who have felt moved to donate either through personal experience, my story, or someone they know battling this, we are currently at $325.  There is still time left if you want to help get to that goal simply by going to   https://www.facebook.com/donate/1971683886486809/ 
and donating whatever you feel moved to donate.  Anything and everything is accepted and so gratefully appreciated.   Thank you to all of you who have felt moved to donate.   You are greatly appreciated and loved.   This also has gone a long way in showing me that there people outside my family who care and that is amazing.  Again, thank you.

Thank you to all who took a second to send birthday wishes.  You all have made turning 40 so much easier than I thought it'd be.  I love you all.

I will wrap this up for now.  Take a minute to share my blog with someone, subscribe, comment and let me know who you are and where you're from.  You're all very important.

Until next time,

Stand up, Speak up, Don't Give Up,

Rob

Stand Up, Speak Up, Don't Give Up...

I'm officially 15 days away from turning 40...    That could very well be the weirdest thing I've ever typed..   40...  Where does the time go?   I swear I was just 20..  Not 20 years ago.. 

Anyway,  this year being a milestone birthday for me I wanted to do something a little differently.. 
This year has been a crazy year for me personally.   Starting a new job, depression rearing it's ugly head in a way that I never thought was possible.   If you read my previous posts depression took me to a place I've never been before, and pray I never get to again.  Suicide.   Thank the Lord I didn't attempt anything, but the urge was there, the thought was there, the want to do it was there.  But as I've said in past posts, something told me to go to bed and sleep on it, something made me reconsider before I took it to another level.   I'd like to think it was God who intervened that night.  I have dealt with depression or what some people would call "the blues" for many years.  But normally it would come, hit me, I'd get quiet and withdrawn for a day or two, and then it'd pass.  It wouldn't stick around long enough for me to really give it a second thought.  But this time was different.  There was a heaviness in my chest, and a small voice telling me that over the past few weeks/months I had become a burden to any and all around me.  That I was dragging them down with me, that life would be simpler and better for those if I was not around.  And that maybe I should do them a favor and take myself out of the equation and relieve them of my being a burden.  And I did feel that way,  I did feel like I was weight on everyone's shoulders.  I felt like everyone looked at me and was instantly exhausted emotionally like I drained them.  And I could not even fake being happy at this point.
I thought I was pretty good at hiding how I felt for the most part, but even I knew that there was no hiding this.  And I could not shake it.  And it was nothing against my family, nothing against my kids, nothing against my friends, it was all an inner war in my head.  And unfortunately they were the casualties of this war.   Moodiness, anger, being withdrawn, just living as a shell of a person and that's how I felt... Empty... 

I was struggling with going back to work after being off with my son for 3 years, I was unhappy at the job at that point, and that night it all came to a head.  Everyone had gone a bed, the TV was off, the lights were off out, and there I sat..  Alone with my thoughts, alone with that voice that told me that I'd had enough and that maybe it was time to stop being a burden to others.  I remember laying there crying, but not like sobs, just a steady stream of tears and my chest felt so heavy.  My mind started going a hundred miles an hour.  And it just kept getting worse and the more my mind raced, the worse the thoughts were.  I for whatever reason never came to the point of planning how I'd do it. The furthest I got was that I wouldn't have done it at home.  I would have done it somewhere away from my home and family so they wouldn't have to see anything.   That in itself is a scary thought.  But that is where I was. 

My time since has been a roller coaster of emotions.  From good days where I feel like I can take on the world and beat it.  To days where I start questioning just how much of a burden I really am to everyone.  It is quite a spectrum to go between.  There have been times I felt like maybe I was crazy and something was severely wrong with me.  There have been days I've been ashamed of how I feel and what has happened, I've felt embarrassment over feeling this way, anger for even considering taking my own life, and despair when that feeling comes back to haunt me. Medication has helped some.  I wouldn't say it has solved but I am realistic enough to know that's not how it works.  I have sought therapy but have not had luck.  As my previous employer tried to send me an hour south of my how and 2 hours south of work to a therapist in their network that worked with our schedule.  I am still interested in doing that but just haven't had the time, have forgotten, a litany of things, as to why I haven't done it as of yet.    I think the tremendous outpouring of support I have received has opened my eyes to just how many people are impacted by this.  And I was surprised at some of the people who reached out to me as I would have never have thought they could be touched by this.
It's comforting in a way to know there are those I hold dear, trust, and have known for a long time that are in a similar place as me.  It's sad that I didn't know, didn't notice, and never asked if they were ok.  It's definitely opened my eyes to mental health and all that it entails and those it touches.

That being said, here is what I was alluding to earlier.  I'm getting old this year.. I officially leave my 3's and go into my 4's...  I want to do something to make a difference, maybe open eyes to what this is all about, and to help those who may not know what to do next.  The phrase popped into my head the other day "Stand up, Speak Up, Don't Give Up."  And that has burned itself into my brain and has fueled me to want to bring awareness to mental health issues, to suicide and it's prevention, and to helping those who are in this battle.   So, for my birthday I am starting a donation drive to benefit The American Foundation For Suicide Prevention.  My goal is to raise $500 by December 2nd.  My ultimate goal is to crush that goal by a mile.  I have it on my Facebook page at the following link.   https://www.facebook.com/donate/1971683886486809/

If you feel a pull to donate it would be appreciated in ways you couldn't imagine. And I would be just as thankful.  If you don't feel comfortable, that's ok too.  Prayers, Good Thoughts, Vibes, Ju Ju, whatever your belief is will be just as happily accepted.

I've known many people who have committed suicide and a few that have attempted and luckily have not succeeded.   It's a scary, dark, subject.  But one I feel must be talked about and brought to the attention of people.  I encourage you to do as my post states if you are one of the millions impacted by depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc..    Stand Up... Speak Up... Don't Give Up...

Until Next Time....

Be Well,
Rob

Dad Doody.....

I just found this in a blog that I had started but never completed.   Enjoy a few laughs at my expense..   The things we get to do as parents are some of the most glamorous jobs one could ever have..  Try not to be too jealous at what I got to do in this blog.  I know it was an experience I will never forget...  But I'm trying to..   Enjoy.

Now, Saturday's are for the most part relaxing during the day.  I mean we do some clean up, she does some laundry.  But the evenings are usually pretty busy.  She is forever doing laundry and all the kids need a bath or shower.   The oldest is 12 and obviously can do it himself.   I run baths for the 7 yr old twins, but they get in and out and dry/dress themselves.  Then there's the 3 year old....   He isn't old enough to do it himself, so his bath is run, his hair is washed, he's washed up, then he gets to play for awhile.   He does as any 3 year old will do in the bath tub, he "swims",  he plays with washcloths, he dumps water from one cup to another or into empty bottles and then pours it on himself (and most times all over the floor as well).   

While he is in the bath, I usually sit out in the hall outside the door where he can see me.  I either play on my tablet or do dad things to make him laugh.  Usually that means throwing a balled up towel in the air and letting it  hit me in the head and pretending it knocks me out.  Or, laying in the hall and peeking around the doorway at him, or even yelling at him not to pour water on himself (jokingly in a funny voice).    Usually he spends about 15-20 minutes in there playing then gets pulled out, dried, and dressed.

This Saturday however was different...  He's in the tub playing and doing his thing when suddenly he stops, stands up, and starts yelling for me to get him out...   Now, this isn't really anything out of the norm as sometimes he just really wants out.  So I put down my tablet, get up, and take two steps into the bathroom and notice what appears to be something stuck to the wall..  It registers as poop, but my mind will not allow that to be what it actually is.  So of course I inspect and confirm that it is infact fecal art neatly hung on the wall..  My mind immediately goes to the twins because.. well..  they're gross and have been known in the past to exhibit their finger painting skills before on the bathroom walls.   So I start yelling for them to come down and I explain what I've found and they both deny doing it.   No big surprise there, they always deny at first but usually grilling them will break the one who did it.  But they weren't backing down...  Ok..  This is going to be tougher than usual..  Just as I'm about to channel my super interrogation skills when one of the twins screams "Dad! Bub pooped in the bath tub!!!!!"  Time instantly slowed to a crawl,  I see battleships trekking across the bathtub on Bub created waves..   And I instantly want to cry..    Great...  I'm beyond excited at the prospect of cleaning this up so I ask if there's a lot, and the reply I get from one of the twins is "no, there isn't much at all just a couple small pieces."   Ok, a couple small pieces I can deal with.  So Bub is out of the tub, after a check to make sure he was rinsed and poo free he is toweled off and dressed. 

Now, onto the clean up.  I walk toward the tub thinking that I could possibly wash the "few small pieces" down the drain or something right?.  As I take a look into the tub I then realize that not only has he pooped in the bath tub, but then realized he had to that point not pooped all day..   Needless to say he unloaded at least half his body weight into in the bath tub and none if it was small...  I don't know what small means to the twin who informed me but he was clearly wrong, so very, very, wrong...

Did I mention this was a bubble bath as well?  Normal bath with no suds would have been too much to ask for.  Nope, I get to play mine sweeper through bubbles as he has left all toys in the tub in his rush to abandon ship..  So I muster up the courage to start draining the tub, and as I do I start plucking toys out of the tub praying that the boats I'm pulling out do not have any stowaways on board...  Luckily they do not.  I get the tub cleared and wait for the water and bubbles to drain and reveal what lies beneath. 

So, finally the tub drains completely and as feared he has left both the tub and my soul destroyed.  There are few feelings as helpless as the feeling of figuring out how to clean out a tub full of poo without touching it, throwing up, or ending the child who did it.    With tears in my eyes I set forth and clean the tub out employing the roll of toilet paper to clean out each thing.   I then disinfect the tub with cleaner, spray it down, and rinse it out.  After which I call it good and retire to the living to weep silently for a few moments and try to shake that scene from my head.   I know this is something that kids do, and this isn't the first time I've been at the butt end of it (see what I did there?)  My oldest actually helped me try to clean out the tub with his bare hands when he was younger.  That was fairly horrific.  

As parents we are forced into doing some jobs that some people would not even dream of doing.  From cleaning up fecal filled tubs, to kids throwing up everywhere, stepping in things, bumps, bruises, cuts, scrapes, the list is endless.  I know I put my own parents through a ton with multiple broken bones, sprains, dislocations, and more surgeries than I have fingers on one hand.  But you go through it and you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world...

Anyway, there is a small look into an evening in our house.  Hope you enjoyed a laugh at my expense.  And I'll drop another entry here in the next few days.

Until then, be well...

Rob

Update On Life..

Well, it's been awhile hasn't it?  I've purposely taken a step back from my blog over the last couple of months to gain a little perspective and I felt like maybe I was getting a little whiny in my entries.

I know that depression isn't whining and that sharing it can and does help.  But, I also still feel like a burden when I feel like this and talk about it.  That is honestly one of the hardest aspects of this to deal with.  The fact I want to talk about it, I want to help others who feel this way, but I feel like such a weight on everyone's shoulders when I talk about it in depth.   

So what has been going on since I last wrote?   Well,  I left my job and accepted another with a Hospice/Home Healthcare company in their Customer Relations dept.  I'm working 3rds which I'm not nuts about, but the pay is significantly better than my previous job.   I'm getting used to it but the whole almost reverse sleep cycle is hard to get used to.  I work Tues-Thurs then am off until the following Friday, then I work Fri-Sun, have Monday off and start the cycle over again.  So it will be rough working 76 hours in a 7 day span, but then I get a week off in between.  So I guess we will see how that all shakes out. 

I also have another interesting interaction with a homeless person not too long ago.  If you have read my earlier blogs I have mentioned that I have had some unique experiences with homeless people and giving them money.  This one is no different.  I took my oldest son to the post office in downtown Jackson to mail some pictures to a friend of mine for his birthday.  We parked and as we got out of the car I see this guy sitting outside the post office door with a sign. So instantly I know I want to do something for him.  The guy as we approach the building asks if I have any spare change, I didn't so I punched him in the face..  Ok, so I didn't,  but I didn't have any change but I felt compelled to ask what he needed change for.  He told me he was laid off from his job 4 months after his wife left the family.  He and his son were staying at a hotel but his disability he was getting wasn't enough to pay rent and food.  He said he was trying to find what work he could do in the meanwhile.  Whether he was or not isn't for me to judge or worry about.  So either the guy was extremely sincere, or he was a heck of an actor and should be making more than pocket change on a sidewalk.    I told him I didn't have any spare change but to hold tight and I'd get him on the way out.   So we go in pay for and mail the stuff and I broke a $50 that I had.  My oldest asked what I was going to do and I just said "help the guy out."   As we walked out I handed him $25 and about 70 cents in change that I had.  The guy welled up instantly and said "Bless you brother" and came forward and asked if he could hug me.  That was a first for me.  And while I may not seem like the hugging type I really don't mind.  So I said sure and he hugged me and said thank you and that it would buy some food for sure.  I apologized for not being able to give more and he assured me that what I did was more than enough.
And he said he was going to head back to his motel and get his son and pick up some food for supper.
He shakes my hand and thanks me again and I say that I wish I could do more and he heads off up the sidewalk and out of sight.    We get back to the car and Caleb goes "wow dad, that was really cool of you."   Then he comes out of left field with "why did you let him hug you?  What if he would have stabbed you?  And why did you give him $25?"    I just said "I wasn't worried about him stabbing me, I figure if he's a big enough man to humble himself and beg for money then he needs it more than I do and I don't think he would do that in order to stab someone.  If hugging me is his way of thanking me, I am fine with that.  And ultimately, how much I give him isn't important because it's not my money to begin with."   It was a great way to show the example that everything we have is on loan from God and to give freely with what you do have.   And I could tell it impacted him.  He mentioned a couple more times that it was cool to see that interaction and to see someone so touched by something as simple as $25 dollars.   I told him that we may not be rich monetarily but God has shown Himself to us through this experience.  He has shown us that even when we think we have very little, it can mean so much more to someone who has less.  And to also be grateful for what we do have and for what we can give to others who are not as fortunate. 

I also had another experience even more recently where I was coming home from a friends house in Lansing.  As I was coming up West Ave in Jackson I came to a stop light that was blinking red and so I stopped.  I saw a guy carrying a back pack standing about 6 feet from my truck and waving at me.  He was probably in his late 20's and I've never described anyone like this before, he had a very kind face.  He was clearly homeless and so I rolled my window down and he walks up and thanks me for stopping (I kinda had to for the red blinking light)  and asks.  "I know it's late, but I've been walking all day and I was headed to the train station, do you think it'd be possible to give me a lift?"   Then he said something interesting "I don't have any weapons, and I'll put my bag in the back of your truck."  Remembering the conversation I had with Caleb I told the guy sure and he climbed in.  He stuck his hand out and said "my name is Corey, thank you so much for the ride man."   I asked where he was coming from and he said had hitched from Coldwater to Albion and walked from Albion to Jackson.  He had family in Jackson but couldn't show up in the middle of the night so he was going to sleep at the train station and that he had done so before.  Then mentioned that he was hungry and said he had to think about trying to find some food in the morning.  I offered to buy him something to eat and he refused, I said it was no problem and after sitting there a second he asked if it would be too much trouble to stop at like Taco Bell..  I said no and we doubled back and he wanted 3 hard tacos.  It didn't come to much and all I had was a $20. So I paid and my change was like $14 and so I handed it to him with the food and told him to use it for coffee tonight and breakfast tomorrow or something.  He just kept saying "thank you man, thank God I ran into you."   Again, I don't know  if I was being hustled or not but it's not important and it's not up  to me to worry about.  To me it was another opportunity to help someone out.    So I dropped him at the station and he thanked me again and wished me the best.  It was a cool interaction.   I didn't once worry about him doing anything once he got in the truck because something told me he was ok.  And I'm generally pretty good at reading people. 

So all these interactions I've had over the last few years have got to mean something or be leading up to something.  Because up until a few years ago I never had these kinds of experiences or even the opportunity to have them.  And now it's been like 5 or 6 in the last few years that have really stuck with me.   I just wish I knew what it all meant.   As I have said the verse Matthew 25:40 is one that as soon as I read it something clicked in me and it has stuck with me since.  The first bible verse I have ever memorized and that has impacted me personally. 

Outside of that things have been things ya know?  This depression deal should come with some sort of owners guide so you know what is coming and what to expect because man, this deal kinda sucks..

The meds have helped but they don't solve everything, nor did I think they would.  But it just feels like I get to the point where I have a grip on it, and have it under control, then it rears it's head and reminds me that I really am not even close.  Good days and bad..  But the bad days hurt man...  There are days I just want to sit there and cry or just feel hopeless and want to cry.  And there have been a few times I do just cry for no reason.  Makes me feel like a complete headcase ya know?  And I've been told it's ok and that it's normal with depression to feel that way.  But when you haven't really knowingly dealt with it, it doesn't feel normal.  All I know is I hate it.   I still feel broken,  I still feel like a burden,  and I still feel like sometimes it would be easier if I wasn't here to burden others and myself at the same time.  But I also am realistic enough to know that I have too much to leave behind, and as selfish as I could be, and feel like I am for feeling this way.  I know I could never be selfish enough to go through with it.   So I know I have that grounding me and I'm thankful for that. 

That's really all I have for right now.  Hopefully I can get on some sort of roll and hammer out more entries here in the upcoming days/weeks. 

Until then, be well...

Rob

Behind The Mask....

Ambivalence -The coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward a person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

That seems to sum me up pretty well at the moment.  It's been 2 weeks since I considered taking my own life and I felt it was time to update this.  Whether it's for me, or for others reading, I'm not sure.
But I know it actually feels better to get this out and look it in the eyes and try to make heads or tails of it.

Two weeks have passed and a lot has happened.  First things first, I had to switch medication already.
The medication they put me on was triggering migraines or near migraines and I felt almost worse.
So we are trying something new and so far it seems to be holding up.  I don't feel any different so but I also know it takes a few weeks for it to work into my system.

The outpouring of support, prayer, kind words, shown by people has been nothing short of staggering to me.  People have felt compelled to share their stories of battling depression and anxiety and it's helped me to see that I'm not isolated on an island with these feelings and in this battle.  While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's reassuring to know that there are others who have and are going through this and that I can lean on them and vice versa.

The big question I've been asked,  "How are you feeling?"   My truthful answer,  the same...
While I know that may sound disheartening it's the truth.  It still feels very dark to me.  I may not be as robotic or catatonic as I was a majority of the week after that Sunday night, but I still feel like I'm in a very deep hole and the light at the top is very small.

And that's the thing of it all.  You just don't know.  What appears to be may not, in reality, be the case...  I may appear fine, I may joke with you, laugh, and seem like everything is fine.  But someone I won't name shared with me that they struggle with depression, but have become good at masking it.
And I think over time, that is what I have done as well.  I have become very well-versed in the art of appearing to be ok.  I use humor to offset any possible indication that something might be wrong.
I deflect things with humor and sarcasm.  I figure if I can make others laugh they won't see what lies beyond the humor.  And don't get me wrong,  I really do love to make others laugh.  But, I also think I've learned to use it as a mask to hide how I'm feeling inside.   It's like a duck on the water, on the surface he looks calm and in control of his world.  But if you look under water, he's rapidly churning and paddling his legs and feet to keep things moving and looking calm on the surface.

That's the best way I can describe this.  I may appear ok on the surface but inside I'm broken.
I will openly admit in the last 2 weeks I've had some pretty dark thoughts again.  Not quite as strong as the previous, but kind of like a reminder that it's there still.  The feeling of hopelessness has come and gone a few times.  It's like a rollercoaster really.  Some days I'll feel ok, and some days I bottom out.

I actually had someone message me on Facebook and call me selfish for considering suicide that night.  So that was a new twist on all this.  And yes, I will admit that in the moment you aren't thinking about anyone but yourself and how to stop the pain, stop the feelings of hopelessness and despair.  So, yeah, I guess in that aspect I was being selfish.  But you don't see it that way and you can't control how you feel either.  In that moment you're looking for any way possible to feel relief, to feel that heaviness and feeling of being a burden lifted, and in some ways, you actually think in the long run you are doing them a favor by taking that burden off of them.  A short period of sadness for the better of their long term life.  That's just being dead honest.  Those were the thoughts I wrestled with that night.  Those were the pro's and cons that I was checking off in my head as I sat in a pitch-dark living room.  I never contemplated the way I would commit suicide.  I did for several hours sit there and weigh out if it would be for the better if my family would be better off, how much of a burden I really was/am to them, how good of a father could I be when I feel this way and is it noticeable to them?  The farthest I let my thoughts of suicide go was that I decided if I were to do it, I would leave my home to do so. And there were reasons for that.  That to me in retrospect is a lot farther than I first thought I let it get.  Am I proud of this?  Not at all, I'm ashamed.  I feel selfish, was that person right?

But on the flip side, it's honest, it's how I felt that night, it's still there in some ways still.  It's very raw, very scary, and very dark.  I've had a few people from friends to doctors ask if I felt like I was a threat to myself.   I usually quickly dismiss this with a no and a chuckle.  I don't feel like I am, but the thoughts are still there and the hopelessness comes and goes.  I've been leaning on the support of friends and family.  I'm very grateful for them both.  My family has been very supportive and understanding.  And I'm trying my best not to burden them with this as much as possible.

One day at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other...  That's kind of how I'm looking at things.  And it's helped honestly.

I'm broken, I wear a mask so others can't see what I'm feeling.  But I hope in these last 3 blogs you've seen that mask come off.   What you see and read is very exposing, real, and sometimes hard to type. I've hit the backspace button on this laptop more times than I care to mention.  I've had a shocking number of people tell me what I wrote took courage and that I was strong for doing so.  While I appreciate that, I don't see it as courageous or strong.   I see it as being honest about what is happening to me.  Not knowing what else to do with these feelings other than getting them out and on this blog so that I'm not bottling them up.  But if someone can read this, and realize they're not alone the way I've felt after having so many share their struggles with me, then some good can come of this I suppose.

They say God never gives you more than you can handle... I'm holding on to that as I struggle to handle this.  I trust that there is something to be learned in all of this or that somehow this part of my life is leading to something or somewhere He wants me to be, learn, or do.  What that is, remains to be seen.

Until then, I will go a step at a time, a day at a time.  And keep writing here in the hopes that plan reveals itself...

Until next time....

Be Well..

The Struggle...

Dark thoughts fill the spaces of my mind,
making happiness and laughter hard to find.

The weight on my chest, the feeling of despair,
The thought of no pain, suicide is there...

Knocking on the door like a welcome old friend,
offering you a solution if you only let him in.

The pain will be gone, your trouble will be through,
just listen to me friend, I'll show you what to do...

They won't miss you much, they'll be better off in the long run,
you have plenty of options to choose from, rope, car, pills, or gun...

There's no time like the present, no better time than now,
don't stop to think this over, don't think too much about how...

Pull the trigger, tie the knot, don't think, just do,
I'm your friend remember, I'm just trying to help you...

Do you want to live in pain, is life fun when you're depressed?
Do you like not being happy, do you like always being stressed?

I'm here to help you, friend, I promise to make it all go away,
Just lean on me brother, let me show you the way...

Take my hand, do not be afraid, everything is going to be alright,
I'm here for you to lean on, you no longer have to fight..

You're tired, I see this, you've been fighting for so long,
You're weakening, your defenses are failing, you no longer have to be strong.

Just embrace me, don't cry, I promise everything will be ok.
It will be all over before you know it,  all you have to do friend, is let me show you the way....


This is kind of a snippet into what the struggle looked like to me in my head when I thought about suicide.  Pain, stress, fear, all very real, all sitting on your chest like an elephant.  And then there is an escape, maybe not the best way to escape but a way out nonetheless.  And that weight can be so heavy, so overpowering, that any escape can look very tempting.  And it's like the cartoons you watched as a child,  angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other, both vying for your attention.  Only you don't hear the angel.  You only hear the devil offering you an easy solution.   That's just what it felt like to me anyway.  I'm sure everyone has different experiences.   I can only write to mine.  I know this is very dark and for that, I do apologize.  But, it's where I'm at right now.   Am I suicidal right now or having thoughts of it?   No, I have a game plan set forth by doctors, and the support of family and friends who have taken the time to show me, love and support.   And for you all, I am forever grateful and forever in debt to you for your kinds words and support.  

I'm still not in a good place.  It's still very dark.  But there is a glimmer of light in the distance and I will get there.

Until Next Time...

Be Well...

Broken...

I know it's been awhile.  And I know I usually write with a certain humor and/or sarcasm.  But this one is going to be different.  I'm not feeling very funny right now and I'll explain that as I go.
Depression is a strange animal, in that it can lay dormant for awhile, maybe poking its head up briefly just to remind you that it's still there.  But then disappearing again just as quickly, giving you the illusion that you can control it.   You can't..   That may not be profound, it may not be news to anyone who has dealt with depression.   But, I just found this out the hard way and it's not a fun realization to come to.  It's harsh, it's scary, and it hurts like you wouldn't believe..

I have probably dealt with depression in one form or another for many years.  Once I was put on Zoloft and took it for about a year.   Then decided I didn't need it because I had it under control, or so I thought.   It as I said would pop up here and there and I'd write it off as being in a "funk" or just being down.  And soon it'would fade and I'd return to some form of normal.  This has gone on for about 10 years and I thought it was something everyone went through.

Until Sunday.  Sunday I realized how deep depression can truly get.  I won't get into the logistics of what happened or could have contributed to this but it's been a combination of a lot of things over a period of time and this last one was what set things into motion.  I have never felt such a feeling of hopelessness in my life.  To the point where even when surrounded by others you still feel like you're completely alone.  And then everyone goes to bed and you find yourself literally alone with your thoughts and it's not a nice place to be.  Thoughts like if everyone woke up tomorrow, would they even notice if I were gone?  The world will go on, people will still go to work, the sun will still come up, birds will still sing.  Yes, some people might be sad but probably not for long.  Would they be better off without me as a burden to them?   Would a little pain in the interim mean less pain in the long run for not having to deal with my depression and all that it brings?   What kind of example am I for my kids if I can't even function properly?   Would ending it really be a release into being pain-free?

If that isn't paint by numbers clear enough to figure out what I'm referring to I'll lay it on the table for you.   Sunday night I had thoughts of taking my own life.  As I type this the tears sting my eyes because it's all very fresh still and not like anything I've ever felt or want to feel again.  It scared me.
I didn't get to the point of planning it or thinking about how I could do it.  I wouldn't let it get that far. But the question was there, it was thought about seriously and pro's and cons were weighed as to what the end result would be and how it would impact others.   But at that point, you don't care,  you only think about how you're negatively impacting others by being a burden.   I'd like to think I couldn't go through with it because of my family right?  But if I'm entertaining the thought of it despite their being around then there's got to be something to it right?    And I love my family, I truly do.  By all definition I have a pretty good life,  I have a beautiful family, we have a house, jobs, cars, we may not be rich but we get by.   But still, something managed to get into my head and make me wonder if all that would be better off without me.  And I feel so selfish for those thoughts but I couldn't control them.  It was like ping-pong balls bouncing around in my head.  And I felt broken... Completely broken and I can't even begin to describe what it was that was broken, but something was and is wrong.

And I get it now.  As someone who vehemently hates suicide, I get it totally...  Do I condone it?  Never, but I get why people go that route.  Because when you get to that point and you hit that low that you didn't think was possible you look for the way to take that pain away.  You look for the way to not be a burden to others because you feel broken.  Because you feel that heaviness of depression and you don't want to watch others be brought down by it.  Is it heroic?  No.  But I was once one of those people who would call someone who commits suicide a coward.  I would say they took the easy way out and that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  But you know what?  Depression isn't temporary...  I have known many people who have committed suicide in my life, I've known others who have tried and failed.  And the ones that were successful, I always wondered what their mindset was leading into that decision to take their life.  And while I did not attempt to take my life,  I can say I understand a little bit more of what it must have been like and it is absolutely terrifying.  And maybe they didn't have that beautiful family to ground them,  maybe they didn't have the courage to admit there was something wrong ( and I am by no means courageous), maybe they couldn't get past the feeling that they were bringing others down and were a burden to life and all around them.  I get it...  I don't know what snapped me out of it.  God?  My family?  I don't know.  But something kept me from going to that next step and I'm thankful for that.

Today I broke at work.  Just lost it entirely.  Could not for the life of me get it together.  So with the help of a supervisor who was a great help to me.  We took the steps necessary to get me some help.
Do I still feel broken?  Completely.   I feel ashamed for feeling this way.  Like I should be a grown-up and not feel this way.  Like I'm being difficult.  But I went to see my personal doctor as well and we talked for about 45 minutes and I was a mess.  That seems to be a fun part of this bout is losing it at the drop of a hat...  And I am willing to try medication again.

There is a stigma attached to admitting you have a problem with depression and taking medication, and that you've thought about taking your own life.  Maybe that stigma is self-induced.   But I feel broken like there is something wrong with me that makes me different from others and not in a good way.  Like people will judge me for feeling like I wanted to harm myself, for having to take medication for it, for being so depressed you don't know which way is up anymore.  And that is something I'm going to have to work through with the help of a professional.  I've learned the hard way this isn't something you can just "ride out" and hope it goes away.  I never in a million years would think I could ever possibly reach this point.  But here I am.

So here I am..  Completely exposed...  I'm not quite sure why I decided to share this but something in me felt compelled to.  Maybe to some, it will answer questions about me and why I've been a certain way.  Maybe it was for my own personal record to remind myself that no matter who you are, depression can impact you.  I don't know.

I have a road ahead of me that I hope is going to be different.  I hope to get something out of my
sessions with a counselor.  And I'm grateful for the words, support, and prayer of my family and friends.   I have too much to live for I know this.  But I've learned that even knowing that doesn't stop depression from making you doubt it.  I'm sorry for the length and heaviness of this post.  It's not the best way to end a hiatus from writing, but it's who I am right now.

Here's to better days...

Until Next Time...

Be Well..