I will start off by saying Happy New Year! And I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas and if not Christmas, then a Happy insert holiday here!
That being said, I have blogged in the past about how big of an influence music is in my life. I could not live without it. It's amazing how it holds the key that unlocks so many memories for me. I'm sure there are others who are like me, but I can always tie a song or cd to a moment or period of time and that song will forever be linked to it. It's a very powerful thing for me. And there are songs that by all rights I should dislike because they're terrible but they've manage to adhere themselves to a memory and they become loved and held on to.
I've noticed as I get older that smells are also a way I'm remembering things. It's not quite as fun because a lot of the time it leads to frustration. I'll catch the scent of something and I KNOW I recognize it and I want so badly to place it but I just can't. And then some time later I will some how unearth that memory and I can't remember what the smell was that triggered it. Or maybe, I'm a headcase. I wouldn't rule that out either. Either way that too is a powerful trigger.
I had such a moment this past Sunday. And luckily for me it was very easily identified and welcomed at the same time. You see, I first attended my church when I was 14 back some time ago.
Shortly after I started going semi-regularly the church relocated to it's current location. And I can vividly remember walking into the church for the first time and thinking it had a unique smell. Not a bad smell mind you and not one I can even describe or compare to anything. But it was distinctive nonetheless. And I instantly tied that scent to our church and every time I walked in it would wash over me and there was a sense of comfort and almost a sense of being home. Over the years one of two things has probably happened.
1. I've grown older and my sense of smell has someone lessened.
or
2. I've grown accustom to the scent of my church having gone there regularly now for 12 or so years, and having worked there for about a 6 month period.
But this Sunday we arrived, and as usual I took the boys over to where they attend service and checked them in. Made my way across the commons and into the hallway leading to the sanctuary.
Then it happened, I walked through the doors of the sanctuary and it was like I walked right into a wall. Only the wall was that familiar scent that had hit me the first time I ever walked into the original sanctuary. And instantly I was taken back to being 14 or 15 and walking into the church for the first time. And I just wanted to stop and capture that scent and somehow keep it with me. I couldn't help but smile to myself, and that feeling of peace and being home again washed over me.
I couldn't tell you what caused that smell to all of a sudden come forward that day. I can't compare the smell to anything in the world. But it's the smell of home and peace. It's the smell of hope and contentment. It's a feeling I wish everyone could live in if for only 30 seconds, to see what it's truly like to feel no worries and to have that wave of happiness and feeling of home wash over you. It's a smell that I also selfishly wish I could have to myself anytime I needed that fix of feelings. But I know it doesn't work that way. Like I said, I don't know what caused it, where it came from, or why
it suddenly was there after so many years of being absent and forgotten about. But I'm glad it was.
After the rocky year 2017 turned out to be for me personally, it was a nice way to put this year to bed and end it on a note much better than the one it started on.
2017 was an eye opening year for me and one I am honestly glad to see end. I know that it's just a number and has no bearing on what your life is like or what you go through. But the changing of the number is symbolic in the renewing of hope, the hope that this new number/year will be better than the year before. That somehow the changing of the year will bring a change in luck, change in self, change in whatever it is you think needs changing. Me, there is a ton that needs to be worked on.
I'm still a mess, I still have more days that are down than are not. I still find myself from time to time wondering if I made a mistake in sticking around, because I still feel like the person who stands in the back of the room at a party. You don't really notice they are there, and you wouldn't notice if they weren't. And I assure you, I'm not fishing for compliments or sympathy, that's not how I am. I just figure I've been completely open and honest with you about all of this so far that I won't stop now.
It is uncomfortable to read I'm sure, I guess that it is by the way it's horribly uncomfortable to write and hear myself say it in my head. I don't like this person. And it's not multiple personalities, but it definitely is another side of me that I don't like. I don't like when that side visits unannounced, when it reminds you that nobody would care if you weren't around. And that in fact, some may be better off that way because they don't have you as a burden around their neck dragging them down with you. That you desperately want to be happy but that want is an itch that you can never ever manage to scratch. And worse just when you seem to get a pinpoint on that itch and go to scratch it, it relocates and the search begins all over again. I see others who have it together, and I want that. I want to matter, I want to make a difference, I want to help others desperately but I can't even help myself. It's that feeling of being a little kid and being told to clean your disaster of a room and not knowing where to start and you feel paralyzed by confusion and not knowing where to start or what to do. Yeah, that's me...
Anyway, sorry for the plummet this entry took. Not my intention. Hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year and I'll post again soon.
Until then, Be Well...
Rob
