Well, that was interesting... Just got done with Group Therapy and it was interesting to say the least. He started off group asking us some questions about our day and our night, how we slept, what we had for breakfast and lunch, just surface level stuff. He then asked if we could be a fruit or vegetable what would we be and why? I said I would be a cucumber. Because of the phrase cool as a cucumber. Meaning, I rarely lose my cool and can most of the time just roll with things. Stupid I know, but what would you have said?
The next thing we did was listen to the Michael Jackson song "Man In The Mirror." We were supposed to listen and see if any words or lines jumped out at us and stuck with us. For me it was the line "You've got to stand up and lift yourself." That line hit very close to me. It is the whole reason I am here. I think I depended on others for my happiness and to pick me up when I bottomed out. But, nobody is responsible for my happiness but me, nobody can stand me back up and pick myself up and move forward but me. And I feel I have done that or taken the first step in doing this by coming here and admitting myself for help. I have taken that first step toward being happy again. And I am taking the necessary steps to stand up and move forward. No one else can do this for me but me. What I mean is that people could suggest I come here and urge me to do so. But in the end, I was going to have to be that person to stand up and lift myself and take that step to come be here.
I am starting to see the benefit of being here as well. I brought up journaling and he said that it is the best therapy there is because it allows you to get feeling out and make them reality on paper, it forces you to think about what you're saying and in turn makes you your own therapist of sorts. What was cool was that after I talked about journaling 3 people asked if they could have journals as well. I hope they take it seriously and get benefit from it. You can't write as fast as you think so it really slows you down and forces you to think about what you're saying. It's really pretty amazing.
So now I am free until 5pm when dinner comes. Not quite sure what is happening after dinner. I know I will make another call home at some point. But I think I'm going to lay down for awhile.
Well, dinner is done and now what? There are no planned groups or activities for tonight. Tonight is visitation night. I don't anticipate any visitors and that is ok. I know people have other things to do and more pressing issues and that is fine. I'll probably call home and talk to one of the boys. I wonder what they think of all this? I don't think they understand everything that is going on and they don't really need to know the details of everything. I don't want them to think their dad is some crackpot who can't handle things. But I also want them to see that you can bounce back from this or anything that they may face. I know there is a stigma to mental health and having mental health problems. I wish that stigma could be wiped away. I too have thought people with mental health issues were crazy, so I am guilty of it too.
But that old saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes is dead on. I never thought I would have mental health problems, but, here I am at 42 years old, depressed, thoughts of suicide, sitting in the mental health unit of the hospital. It's not all padded rooms and straight jackets like they show on tv or in the movies. It's real people, dealing with real issues, working hard to get better. I've been lucky enough to hear their stories and share their feelings and have had the opportunity to share mine with them as well. You can hear the pain in their voices when they tell their stories. You can see they want desperately to get better and get back to their old selves.
This experience has cast a whole new light on mental health problems. Some are embarrassed to be here and some are here and don't want to leave until they can get back on their feet completely. I'm not embarrassed to be here, it's part of who I am and this is only a chapter in a much bigger book call life. I'm determined to make it through this and come out the other side, only stronger and with the ability to handle and cope with my mental health problems.
That's all I've got for now..
Until Next Time,
Be Well.....
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