Welling up inside wanting to get out but not having a way out..
boiling just under the surface ready to erupt like a volcano.
Afraid of what that could look like should it happen
Afraid of what that could look like to those who may witness it.
I don't know what that will look like as I've learned to suppress these feelings.
Stuff them deep inside and not let them out.
Don't let them see you angry...
Don't let them know you're angry...
Everything is fine... Everything fine...
Don't fight back, take it, roll over, don't rock the boat...
Those days could be coming to an end.
By choice or by force I'm unsure..
What can I do? What should I do?
I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to suppress it either.
Why won't it just go away?
Just go away...
This probably doesn't make any sense.. But neither does how I feel. I wish I could explain it exactly as I feel it. But unfortunately I don't even know how to accurately explain my feelings.
It's not an angry that I'm afraid of hurting someone or myself, I'm ok. It's just been some time since the anger, frustration, stress, etc... have become a lot to handle. And right now, they're a lot to handle. Most likely the reason this blog is being done. Just getting it all out here. I realize these entries aren't the best but it's mostly just me purging feelings into a blog.
More later....
Until then, Be Well....
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
It's Been Awhile...
I know, it's been quite awhile since my last entry. Over a year to be exact. But that's what depression/anxiety does to you.. Or at least to me, it drains any and all creative ability. Don't get me wrong, I want to write and I miss writing but I also don't want to come here and just fire off entries about being down and feeling like I'm doing nothing but whining.
Here is an update of where I am. I have been in therapy for about 4 months now. I like my therapist and we have made some strides in that time. Has it been fun? No, there are times I want to leave and never come back. She gives me challenging "homework" assignments that have challenged me in ways such as stepping out of my comfort zone, digging within to find things I like about myself, digging to figure out what anger means to me, what it means for me to bottom out, and asking others questions about myself for honest answers. It's been uncomfortable, it's been scary, but it's also allowed me to gain some insight into myself and why I am the way I am. And has allowed me to better understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. So while it has been painful and there has been many tears shed, it has overall been a very good thing for me.
I still have my good and bad days. My bad days honestly seem to be a little less frequent than they were. I don't know if that is due to therapy, due to medication, or a combination of the two. I have been learning to take things a day at a time and not worry about the future. I have found that to be so beneficial in all it's simplicity. I know it sounds like such a simple thing to do but it is something that up until recently I have never been able to do. But living for today, trusting in God's plan, and just enjoying each day for the little things is something that has been so big for me.
One of those small things right now is sharing Mr. Rogers with Alex. We recently bought a dvd that has the 30 greatest episodes of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on them. And he and I have sat down and watch almost the entire first of 4 discs already. He LOVES watching Mr. Rogers and I love reliving it and watching him enjoy it. He responds to Mr. Rogers when questions are asked. He sings along with songs when they are sung. I love that he loves something that was important to me as a child.
And all these years later, some 16 years after his passing, the show still holds up. He tackles topics in a way that are timeless, that still hold up 30 some years later. I still love the show and wish it was still being played on a regular basis on public television. I think children of today would benefit from hearing such a positive message as "you matter and there is no one like you". I think in an age of social media and pressure from ads and television to look, dress, act a certain way, that hearing you are special just the way you are is something everyone should hear. And that message is ageless, whether you're 3 or 93.
Any way, that's where I am and what I've been up to lately. I want to make a conscious effort to write more and get more content out there. I'm open to suggestion of things to write about. Feel free to leave feedback and suggestions as well.
Until next time... Be Well..
Here is an update of where I am. I have been in therapy for about 4 months now. I like my therapist and we have made some strides in that time. Has it been fun? No, there are times I want to leave and never come back. She gives me challenging "homework" assignments that have challenged me in ways such as stepping out of my comfort zone, digging within to find things I like about myself, digging to figure out what anger means to me, what it means for me to bottom out, and asking others questions about myself for honest answers. It's been uncomfortable, it's been scary, but it's also allowed me to gain some insight into myself and why I am the way I am. And has allowed me to better understand why I feel the way I do sometimes. So while it has been painful and there has been many tears shed, it has overall been a very good thing for me.
I still have my good and bad days. My bad days honestly seem to be a little less frequent than they were. I don't know if that is due to therapy, due to medication, or a combination of the two. I have been learning to take things a day at a time and not worry about the future. I have found that to be so beneficial in all it's simplicity. I know it sounds like such a simple thing to do but it is something that up until recently I have never been able to do. But living for today, trusting in God's plan, and just enjoying each day for the little things is something that has been so big for me.
One of those small things right now is sharing Mr. Rogers with Alex. We recently bought a dvd that has the 30 greatest episodes of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on them. And he and I have sat down and watch almost the entire first of 4 discs already. He LOVES watching Mr. Rogers and I love reliving it and watching him enjoy it. He responds to Mr. Rogers when questions are asked. He sings along with songs when they are sung. I love that he loves something that was important to me as a child.
And all these years later, some 16 years after his passing, the show still holds up. He tackles topics in a way that are timeless, that still hold up 30 some years later. I still love the show and wish it was still being played on a regular basis on public television. I think children of today would benefit from hearing such a positive message as "you matter and there is no one like you". I think in an age of social media and pressure from ads and television to look, dress, act a certain way, that hearing you are special just the way you are is something everyone should hear. And that message is ageless, whether you're 3 or 93.
Any way, that's where I am and what I've been up to lately. I want to make a conscious effort to write more and get more content out there. I'm open to suggestion of things to write about. Feel free to leave feedback and suggestions as well.
Until next time... Be Well..
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