No, not like a mid-life crisis or anything like that.. But the whole dynamic of my home just changed, and it's taking me some time to get used to it. For those of you who might be first time readers, or those of you who haven't followed me from the start I'll give you some background. I'm a stay at home dad. I was injured on the job and have been off since while things are getting settled legally and while I've gone through treatments, shots, etc... I have been off since December of 2012 and have been blogging about my time home with my boys. I have 4 boys, 2 of which have been with me since that day in 2012, and another was born in 2013...
Well, all that changed this past Monday. The twins started pre-school. They go full time Monday through Thursday from 8:30am to 3:30pm. So everything has changed. I not only get my oldest off and on the bus, but I have to get the twins around and to school on time as well. That requires waking the baby earlier than he's used to and toting him around. Thank goodness he's such a good sport about it.
Well, having been with the twins about half their lives I knew this day would come where they'd go off to school. I didn't foresee however me having such a hard time with it. But it became very real to me about 2 weeks ago when we went to visit their school and their teacher came to our home to visit them. I knew my little guys were close to taking that next step into the next phase of their lives. Sadly, I was not ready..
They were beyond excited which made it a little easier to see them off. But their first day rolled around this past Monday. They were bouncing off the walls and ready to go. Half of me told myself everything is going to be just fine, they're excited, you should be excited for them too. The other half wanted to "accidentally forget" to take them.. But I know that wouldn't be fair to them.. So they got dressed, got their shoes on, grabbed their backpacks, and were ready to go.. After dropping Alex off at his grandma's we were on our way.
We got there and got the code to sign them in and out on the computer, then walked down to the class room.. I was doing good, I was holding up and feeding off their excitement and enjoyed seeing how ready they were and how anxious they were to get to class. Parents were allowed to stick around for as long as they wanted and have breakfast with their kids, so I stuck around. I didn't eat anything but sat with them while they ate. They were too excited to eat all their breakfast and were soon off playing, leaving me at the table by myself. That's when it hit me. They were OK with leaving me. They were off in there own little world, playing with toys and other kids, and not once looking up or around to make sure I was there or was near. This should be a proud moment for me because they're so ready and so OK with being on their own that they aren't bothered by Mom or Dad leaving. But part of me wanted them to at least look up to make sure I was still around. I sat there for about 5 or so minutes just watching them play, marveling at how grown up they look, and being blown away at how fast time has flown since they were born. It feels like it was just yesterday that we got the news that we were having twins, then watching them come into this world, taking their first steps, and now they're starting school... Things will never be the same again. They will fall into the school schedule and routine that will take them through their next 13 years, they will lose a little of that innocence as they are around other kids and not at home full time. So I sat there thinking of all this and felt that lump in my throat and felt my eyes start to sting. I knew then, it was time to go but in the greater scheme of things, it was time to let go. I know that may come across as overly dramatic but it's true, and I've spent so much time with them, and invested so much time with them, that it feels like I'm letting that part of my life go and moving on to a new part of life. Which essentially I am...
So with all the dignity and grace a 36 year old man on the verge of tears can muster, I got up and walked over to where they were playing and got their attention. I told them that I was going to be taking off. Part of me was interested in seeing how Jonah responded because he doesn't like to be left alone or behind. So I brace myself to see Jonah lose it, even if it's just a little. Because if he loses it, I'm done and there will be no "saving it." But both boys look up at me and without missing a beat both say simultaneously "OK." OK? That's it? I'm not mad by the response, but taken aback.. They were really OK with me leaving. They were ready for this. They were going to be just fine. I wasn't ready for that fully. I honestly expected some resistance or trepidation. So, they both ran over to me, hugged me, gave me high fives, then ran back to what they were doing.. Not once looking back.. So, just to be sure I said "OK boys, I'm taking off." They respond with "Bye Dad."
With that, I start walking out and get about half way down the hall when that lump in my throat returns, and I can feel my eyes sting. I wipe my eyes JUST as their teacher walks out of the supply room..... Great... I'm sure she see's this all the time. But I'm not one who is usually quick to show emotion. So I feel like this giant weepy freak. I quickly try to regain composure and she immediately notices me doing so and says "it's ok dad, they're going to be fine." I just kinda smile and nod, I want to say "it's not them I'm worried about." But I just say "yeah, just tough to see them grow up." She agrees and says "we'll see you this afternoon." And I turn and walk out.
I get to my car and sit there for a few minutes. I never fully broke down. But it took me a minute to wipe my eyes and make sure I was going to not lose it.
So, here we are after week one of them being in school. They LOVE it. They are so excited every morning to get to go. I have to fight them to come home. Which in the big picture I would rather have than to fight them to go. I'm doing better with it all. And Alex and I are adjusting to life with a quiet house for a large portion of the day. He has napped better since they've started. I've started putting him down earlier around 12:30pm, and have to wake him at 3 pm to go get the boys. Today is the first day they've had off since they started and they're already asking when they can go back. But it's made me appreciate today more, we wrestled a little more than normal this morning, and things have been good today. So maybe this is going to be a blessing in disguise. It's freed me up during the day to be able to leave the house. I took Alex up to Jill's work to visit yesterday. So maybe this will be good for all involved.... But it's still hard to see them grow so quickly..
Anyway, I realize this isn't my normal entry that is laced with humor and sarcasm. But hey, life isn't always funny. Thanks for allowing me to put that aside for a minute and share a deeper moment for me. I promise to bring back the regular entries next time.
Until then next time...
Be Well
