Day 1 - Part 2 8-19-20

Well, I just got done with dinner and it wasn't all that bad.  I had turkey, mashed potatoes, a roll, broccoli and some cheesecake.  They feed you pretty well here I'm starting to see.   I met with another nurse and social worker before dinner.  We went through all the things I enjoy doing in life.  I had to tell my story all over again.  This is probably the 5th or 6th time I've had to tell my story today.  The recreational therapist just knocked on my door and said they were doing yoga and meditation in the day room.  I'm still not comfortable with my surroundings so I am going to pass I think and just stay in my room and write some more.  Yoga isn't really my thing anyway as I'm not very bendy.  I'd end up looking like the tin man in Wizard of Oz before he was oiled.   I was actually just laying on my bed with my eyes closed when she came in so I think that counts as meditating right?  Speaking of beds, these beds leave a lot to be desired. 

It's one mattress that is about 4 inches thick and has zero support.  You hit the bed part as soon as you put any weight on it, so, sleeping should be interesting.  I'm really trying to not complain too much.  I realize I came here on my own free will and that no one made me come here.  

I just wish the time I get to be discharged wasn't so up in the air.  But I do realize that it is based on the progress I make while I'm here and that if I make the best of it and do what I'm supposed to I will get more out of it and in turn be released sooner rather than later.  I just have to keep reminding myself to do that.  The thing is these groups are pushing me past my comfort level.  Anyone that knows me will know I'm not one to stand up in front of a group of people and share anything.   I'm more reserved and happy to observe.  But, I know that I'm going to have to break these boundaries of my comfort level if I want to make any progress here. So I know what needs to be done.  It's just doing it that will be the big step.  It is a little more comforting knowing all these people here are in the same place I am.  Meaning they are struggling too and are here to get help.  

So for the time being I will stare out the window and watch the clouds go by as I write in my journal.

And I am grateful for writing.  It's funny how you take things for granted until they're taken away from you.  Maybe it's actually sad, I don't know.  From little things like having a cell phone, to having some of your freedoms taken away or restricted.  Even though I'm here on my own free will, I can't wait to leave.  I just read in my onboarding paper work that I can petition to get out of here.  The petition will be seen by my doctor and reviewed.  The decision to grant discharge will be made based on my progress, behavior, and whether or not they feel I am still a threat to myself.  Kind of sounds like I'm trying to get paroled. I know that the people here are just doing their jobs and are keeping me safe and   I know realistically that if I were to try to petition this early it would be denied.  I've only been here a day and have not really started any therapy, or have any real game plan set in place as of yet.  Knowing that I'm just trying to do what I can to get better and get home.  

I also found out that because I have a C-Pap machine that someone has to sit in my room all night while I sleep.  The reason I was given as to why was that my machine comes with cords and hoses and that it could be used to commit suicide if I was left unattended.  So they are just trying to make sure I don't hurt myself.  Again, I get it..  Just not sure what I think of it.  The thought of having someone watching me all night as I sleep ( or try to ) is a little creepy and unsettling.  But they have prescribed me some medication to help me sleep so I may take advantage of that help and hope it knocks me out so I don't have to think about someone watching me all night.  

This journal thing is pretty great.  I realize that it's basically just a blog in written form, and that I could have been doing this the whole time.  But the key word in that is "time"...  I have been given a lot of time while I'm here.  Time that I don't have when I am at home.  Work, kids, life, they all come into play when it comes to my time in the outside world.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade any of it just to get more free time.  But it has opened my eyes and made me see that I need to make more time for this.  Just today alone I've been able to write a lot and get stuff out that has been festering inside for a while now, and I feel better when I do it.  I know reading these may not seem significant, but trust me it is and it helps tremendously.  I'm not just writing to document my time spent here.  I'm writing about my experiences here, how they make me feel, and hopefully in retrospect I will be able to see progress being made.  If nothing else, it has shown me that I can still write when I want to.  Even if it is just me rambling on as I feel I have done in this journal.  But it's getting to be bed time for me.  I'll be back for more tomorrow.  

Until Then,

Be Well.....

* This was my first day in the mental health unit and 2nd day in the hospital overall.  I will continue to share these. Hopefully this momentum I feel I've built up doing this will continue now that I'm at home.*