Alright.... I've officially had it with spiders, house centipedes, and anything else that serves no purpose in the grand scheme of life... Yeah yeah, I know "spiders eat mosquitoes and other bugs, and House Centipedes eat the spiders..." But I wouldn't shed one single solitary tear if they all became extinct tomorrow... Allow me to share the traumatic and horrifying experience of my morning with you..
Hi, My name is Rob.. I am proof that God has a sense of humor... Let's start at the beginning of my day.. About 6:58am I wake up to the joyous sounds of my 2 year old in mid concert in his room. I glance at my alarm clock which is set for 7:20am and see that it says 6:58am. Just as he breaks into a rousing rendition of The Wiggles song Michael Finnegan... Stifling some anger at the thought of being brought out of a good sleep by The Wiggles, I stumble out of bed, get dressed, and head into Alex's room.. Where upon I look at him in the eye and say "really dude?" I'm met with an enthusiastic wave and a "Hi daddy, I waking up.." No kidding.... Get him up, get him dressed, and he's off to the races to the kitchen to see mama before she leaves for work. She leaves, I get the boys fed, finish getting them ready for school and send them out to the bus stop. Bub and I make our way to the front room for our morning ritual of watching the boys wait for the bus from the front room. I park it on the couch, coffee in hand and talk to Jonah through an open window. Bub is coloring on the floor.
Bus comes, boys board, they're off for the day. Bub wants to watch Wiggles which I am shocked to my very core about because it's ALL HE WATCHES... Whatever, it makes him happy.. I load up Hulu and fire up The Wiggles and he's in heaven. I figure this is the perfect opportunity to unload and reload the dishwasher, then do what dirty dishes there are on the counter.... God, He had other plans....
I unload and reload the dishwasher with no problem. I size up the dishes on the counter and figure they'll just take a few minutes to do. I fill the sink with soapy water, dump the dishes in and wash them without incident.. I pull the plug on sink and it drains... That's where God had some fun with me and I'm thinking it went something like this...
*From the point of view of God*
God - "Alright, what's on the agenda for this morning.... End hunger.... Eh... End homelessness and poverty.... Meh... Find a cure for all diseases..... Bah... OHHH LOOK!! Rob Gibson is doing dishes... Watch this.....
*With a wiggle of his finger God places a dime sized spider on the ceiling above me*
God - "This is gonna be hilarious.... Guys!! Guys!! Come here and watch this.. I'm gonna drop a spider on Rob Gibson and it's going to be hilarious.. There is a chance we may meet him shortly after but let's focus on the reaction and not the results..."
*God wiggles his finger again and the 8 legged creature of Satan slowly descends from the ceiling hovering 4 inches above my head...*
God - "Guys where should I drop it? His head? Shoulder? He would FREAK OUT!! Oh oh oh oh, I GOT IT!!! Let's drop it RIGHT ON HIS CHEEK!!!! "
* God slowly moves his finger and guides the spider onto my right cheek.. *
I without thinking lightly brush my cheek at the thought of a possible hair on my cheek.. Oh wait, I'm bald.. I brush my cheek again and into the sink flies a dime sized brown spider as I may or may not be jumping up and down and yelling things that God probably had not planned on me yelling... And I apologize for that. So as I swipe said spider into the sink I manage to yell "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!?" I don't know if that was meant for the spider or God.. Either way I got no response..
I watched that little spider running around the sink and decided that his unholy existence needed to be ended. I turn the water on and wash him down the drain, and for good measure turn on the garbage disposal in case he somehow managed to survive the wash down...
Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure God is up there rolling on the floor crying and replaying the whole thing over and over again for friends and family members of mine who are up there... Well played God... I knew you had a sense of humor, I mean look at the Giraffe or Duck-Billed Platypus... But I think He is also a bit of a practical joker....
Its not the first time He's got me with a spider... They like to drop from the bill of my hat while I'm driving and see if I'm actually willing to roll my car to kill it... They have run down my arm while I'm playing video games only to have me launch myself out of my chair shaking my arm like it's on fire and throwing the controller across the room like that will solve things.. And the best one was sitting on the floor one time reading a magazine., I felt something brush my leg and assumed it was my cat. I reach down to pet it... Nope... It was a quarter sized wolf spider... I immediately brush it onto the floor and proceed to Riverdance on it like my name was Michael Flatley.
I'm not much of a catch and release the spider kind of guy.. I'm a mash and destroy it's very existence type. The less there is left of him when I'm done the better I feel.
Now that I've sufficiently portrayed myself as a psychotic arachnophobic person I will sign off... I have recently re-tore my rotator cuff and have to head into physical therapy.
Until Next Time..
Be Well,
Rob Gibson
