When Your Mind Breaks The Spirit Of Your Soul...

Today's title brought to you from a lyric from the song 21 Guns by Greenday...   I love that song...   Music has an amazing way to touch your life in ways that you're sometimes unaware..  How many of you have a song that instantly transports you to another time and place.  Maybe it reminds you of a favorite time spent with family, a vacation, hanging with friends, a prom maybe.  But on the flip side, a song can also take you back to a painful experience or moment in your life.  A death of a family member or friend, a break up, or maybe a traumatic moment in your life.   But why do we do this?  Why do we link moments in life to music or songs?  I know I do it.  There are songs that will forever hold deeper meanings than just being played on radios. 

I'll give you a few examples.

Me and You by Kenny Chesney - Was the song Jill and I danced to at our wedding.  That song will forever remind of me that.

I've Been Watching You by Rodney Atkins -  Will always remind me of Caleb and how we were buddies when we was little.  One of the only songs to make me cry listening to it.

From A Jack To A King by Ricky Van Shelton - This song will always remind me of being little and working with my Grandpa in his workshop.

Do You Feel Like We Do - Peter Frampton - Will remind me of taking my dad to see one of his musical all time favorites in concert and watching him enjoy himself.

Anything by Bloodhound Gang -  Will remind me of countless nights spent hanging out with Chuck Cassle in his grandparents basement talking about life, school and everything else.  Also will remind me of our time spent taking classes together at L.C.C.

Because You Loved Me and Strawberry Wine - Celine Dion and Deena Carter - Will remind me of a big break up early in my dating years.

Those are just a few of the dozens and dozens of songs that hold a special place in my heart and life.  The reason I decided to ramble about this tonight is because music was a big player in helping break the stress from my last blog.  That and some very kind words and advice from you who took a second to comment on it or drop me a message on facebook.   Jill also played a big hand in it as well.  She handled all this far better than she could've.  She could've easily freaked out and joined me in NervousBreakdownville but she took the high road and was very supportive and for that I am very thankful.  I needed her to talk me off that ledge and that's exactly what she did.

But in addition to that.  After she's went to bed I've came down and jumped online.  While I'm tooling around here in cyberspace I hit my playlist and let it ride.  Music has such a powerful way to level me out and it never fails to catch a song where the lyrics speak directly to me.   For as much as I love music I wish I could play an instrument to create music and experience what it'd be like to play just to play.  To just sit down at an instrument and play for fun, to relieve stress, for the enjoyment of others.

Here's how far the music on my playlist goes...  Currently playing..  I've Got A Girl In Kalamazoo by Glenn Miller...  Big Band!!  That's my grandma's influence on my musical taste.  I could sit and listen to Glenn Miller, Tommy Dorsey, Duke Ellington, Harry James, etc... For hours and never tire of it.

But anyway,  I just wanted to take a second and say thank you to all of you who took a second and offered advice or words of encouragement.  You're all greatly appreciated and I don't tell you guys that enough.

More later... Got a ton of blog ideas coming soon...

Until then, Be well..

Rob

Hello Darkness My Old Friend....

Part of my like for blogging comes from trying to think of a song title or lyric that goes along with my topic for said blog.. Today's lyric comes to you courtesy of The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel a group while really too young to remember, I've grown to like them very much despite Garfunkel looking like a clown school reject in most of his album covers.

Anyway, today has been one of the most stressful days I've experienced in some time.  I won't go into details but just leave it at we're struggling very badly financially and for whatever reason today it hit me the wrong way and sent me into what I'm pretty sure was some form of nervous breakdown.  I became numb, my hands went numb, face was numb, shaking and just an overall feeling of hopelessness that I never want to feel again.  I've never experienced something like this on this level before.  I've had moments of extreme stress where I felt sick or hopeless or lost.  But this is the first time I just completely shutdown and went numb literally.  I'm starting to gather that I don't handle stress as well as I once thought I did.  A bomb technician would not be a good career for me..  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a nervous wreck who's teetering on edge.  But I'm just to my breaking point on this whole financial rollercoaster that we've been on for years now.  And I no longer know what to do about it. 

So what am I doing?  Sitting here blogging and listening to Simon and Garfunkel...  Not entirely sure it's the exact answer to what's going on but it's what's keeping me calm at the moment.  Just me, Simon, Garfunkel and our Bridge Over Troubled Waters....  

Prayers are greatly appreciated right now.  I don't know what the answer is, I don't know what to do next, I just need some guidance and direction.  Actually, I need money but I don't foresee a lump sum of money turning up on my doorstep so I'll settle for answers or direction on where to go and where to turn.

Gordon Lightfoot is now Edmund Fitzgeralding on my playlist...  Haunting song, depressing song, one of those songs that kinda sends chills down the spine...   

Anyway, I'll wrap up my pity party with Cecila by Simon and Garfunkel.  

Next blog will be more up to speed.

Until then, Take Care and remember that Cecilia is breaking my heart and shaking my confidence daily..

Rob

Time In A Bottle...

Random Fact: I like Jim Croce.   Hey all!!  It's been a minute since I've last blogged but there is a perfectly good reason for this...  I didn't have internet..  Sometimes bills come before luxuries so the internet had to be shelved for a minute.  Or a month depending on your sense of time...    Being without the internet sadly was one of the toughest things..  And that IS sad.  I mean, I think back to when I was a kid and we didn't have the internet or computers and I was just fine.  I had my Nintendo, and I was outside from sun up to sundown and was never bored.  Now, the internet goes down and there's this emptiness like you've lost touch with the world.  Which in many aspects I did.  I use it as a way to communicate with family and friends, get my news, sports and weather and music.   Not to mention I missed my blog.  I know blogging is lame but I like to blog and I like to share stories and my life.  

And just because I haven't been online to blog doesn't mean I've stopped thinking of it.  I actually took pen to paper when an idea struck me to blog about and I'd jot down the idea and some background thoughts and then put it away.  So upstairs in my portfolio I have about 7-8 blog ideas ready to go.  Which means I should be updating pretty frequently here for awhile.  And it's kinda nice because the ideas are already there ready to go.  I just need to refresh my memory and go.  Most likely I'll hit a topic and wonder what the heck I was thinking and drop it but hey, if I can get 4-5 good blogs from it I'll be happy.

We're in January now, the last post I left you with was about a little boy named Dax who passed away far to early from cancer and wanted nothing more than one last Christmas with his family.  He was the inspiration for Micheal West to write the song One Last Christmas about him.  His story is amazing, please check out my prior blog if you want to know more about him and his foundation.   But anyway, I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and that Santa was good to you.  I tell you, Christmas never gets old when you have little kids.  Watching Caleb tear into packages and discover things he had asked Santa for is something I could never get tired of watching.  And the twins this year were at the stage where they didn't get the concept of Santa but they sure as heck grasped the concept of getting new toys..  It was so awesome to watch them rip into presents and each one was met with an excited "ohhhh" or "woooow'  or " look at this!!"   You can't buy moments like this..  Well, I guess technically you can but you can't beat those kinds of moments and reactions.  I don't know if I'm a weird parent who over thinks but I'm already dreading the time when Christmas loses it's magic for Caleb.  I hope and pray that the magic is replaced by understanding of Jesus and a new found reason to celebrate the season.  It's taken on a whole new meaning for me since getting attending church and small group.  And not only that presents (while nice) have been replaced by family and spending time with them and enjoying everyone being around each other.   I've come to like spending time with my family and seeing them.

Well, hate to cut this short but I hear crying twins upstairs...  More soon!!


Until Then, Be Well..
Rob

One Last Christmas.....

One Last Christmas.....

I know I complain a lot about some of Home.FM's Christmas song choices..  They will hit you with some classics from Brenda Lee, Perry Como, and Bing Crosby.  Then, they'll throw a song at you that makes you want to jerk the steering wheel toward the nearest tree.  They'll play something like Christmas Shoes or Dear, Mr. Jesus, or a new one for me this year..  One Last Christmas...   The first time I heard this song was the first day I decided to give up and finally turn the Christmas music on for the season..  I immediately was angry, but as I listened to the song I found myself not being able to turn to a different station...  And by the end of the song I'm driving with tears in my eyes and wanting to drive off a bridge.  But only because I don't do well with sad things which is why I don't watch sad movies..  People who watch sad movies intentionally knowing they're going to cry are emotional masochists :)
Now, I listened to the song once and vowed to never let it play again.  Let me give you the background of the song.  It's about a little boy who's dying and his family finds out that he most likely won't make it to Christmas.  So around September his family decorates the house and yard for Christmas.. The town they live in, catching wind of this follows suit and soon the whole town is decorated for this little boy.  That alone is truly gutting.  If you're a parent, you can't even imagine the pain and suffering that would come from losing a child, let alone a small child.  And I know some of you out there have and how you have managed to function beyond that day is truly amazing and that God does take care of us.  I would need to lean on Him a lot if that were me..   I once had a cousin who lost 3 children in a housefire.  They were 13, 11 and 4 I believe.  It was the summer of 1988.
They were staying with their grandparents and a fire broke out during the night.  Everyone made it out ok they thought at first.  But they noticed the 4 year old wasn't with them.  So the 13 and 11 yr old along with the grandpa went back in to get him.  The three kids never made it back out.  The grandpa was pulled out later and died a short time after.   But could you imagine??  Could you imagine the searing pain and sense of emptiness and loss you would feel upon receiving that news?  I don't know how I could possibly go on.  I know that is were God would come in and carry you and bring you peace.  But, I don't know if I could let Him honestly.  And I never want to find out...    Just like that you go from have a family of 5 to a family of 2... You have to say goodbye to your children...  And then find it in you somewhere to pick up and move on??  How??

I can honestly say as a parent that I can speak on behalf of all parents everywhere when I say that I would give my life for my children without hesitation.  If the time and place called for it I would willingly lay my life down so that theirs could go on.  It's just what you do..  I love my kids more than anything and just the thought of losing them brings me to tears and creates this hurt in my chest like someone hit me with a sledgehammer and that's just trying to imagine it ever happening.  The real thing has to be 500 times worse..

Back to my story...  So I vowed to never let that song play.  But it haunted me..  I found myself singing verses of it and hating myself for it.  To the point that last night I sat down here at the computer and researched the song.  I found out who it was about and the details of his life.   And I'll share it with you now.
Here is a brief summary:


Dax Ryan Locke was born to Austin and Julie Locke on June 26th, 2007. At the age of 13 months Dax was diagnosed with AML M7 Leukemia. He was life-flighted to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital where he underwent two bone marrow transplants. Both of his parents were able to give their bone marrow to him. Since his disease was so rare Dax's treatments were not certain. Dax lost his battle with cancer at the age of 2. The doctors told us they didn't think he would live till Christmas. Dax passed away on December 30th 2009. During his short life Dax touched many hearts. The town of Washington, Illinois put up their Christmas lights early for Dax and many other people around the world joined in
In reading about Dax, I learned that only 15 cases of AML M7 Luekemia are diagnosed each year.  Making a very rare form of Luekemia.  But in watching videos of Dax and reading his story. You would've never known he was sick..   He was truly an amazing little boy who touched the life of millions.   For those of you who may not have heard the song "One Last Christmas" before, here is a link for you to check it out.  And I suggest you watch this one as it's the actual video for the song and has a lot of info on Dax in it and footage of him.


One Last Christmas Video

I couldn't imagine....  I watched this last night and came away a complete mess.   I went upstairs and into the room of my 2 yr old twins and covered them up and just stood there and watched them sleeping and couldn't imagine going through that with them.   I mean, did Dax know he was sick?  Did he know he was dying?  Is it something we as adults make harder on ourselves because we over think it?   I don't know...
There was also a video of some of his funeral that I watched as well and listened to the songs being played and marveled at how the response to Dax was so huge that they had to turn people away and broadcast it via the internet for those around the world that he touched.  His little white casket with colorful handprints all over looked so bright and happy in a place and situation that was anything but..  He lay there in a blue shirt, his little hands folded on top of each other and people by the hundreds came by, touching him, touching the casket, it looked as if some slipped notes or something into the casket.  It was so horrible and so touching at the same time.  I watched not out of sick fascination but because in the hour or so I read on Dax and his story I became attached and emotionally invested in the story and wanted to learn and see as much about him as I could.   Maybe that's my parental way of seeing things from start to finish,  my way of gaining some insight and closure to this song and making it make sense.  I don't know...    I don't usually have stories grab me like this and not let go.

He was a special little boy.   And makes me realize how lucky I am with my three boys.  It makes me look at them in an entirely different way.  In honor of Dax they have started his own foundation to help raise money for St. Jude and the the families of St. Jude. It's named, "Cherish Every Moment-The Dax Locke Foundation". So far Dax has raised almost a quarter of million dollars!  There is a page where you can buy Christmas tree ornaments, wrist bands, t shirts, and key chains with Dax's name on them and the phrase "Cherish Every Moment".


Hug your kids,  hug them every chance you get..  I hope this wasn't too depressing but I felt compelled to share Dax's story here and maybe by sharing it with everyone make it make a little more sense to me.

Until next time...  Be well and hug your kids,

Rob

Everyday I'm Shufflin'...

Everyday I'm Shufflin'.....

Hey all!
Sorry for the delay between last blog and now...  But sometimes life gets in the way.   Hope everyone is well and that you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving!!!   Mine was spent with my mom's side of the family at my parents house.  It was good to see everyone and there was  ALOT of eating done that day...  I hurt myself pretty good..

Also that day was the 2nd birthday of our twins Josh an Jonah..   I still have those "holy crap" moments where for whatever reason I've forgotten the fact I have twins and then I remember it..  And for that brief moment there's that feeling like your world is slightly off centered and you quickly come back to reality and realize that yes, you do in fact have identical twin boys...   And they're little tanks too...  I was a skinny little kid in my opinion I didn't really fill out until probably between my freshman and sophomore year in High School.  In 9th grade I was 5'5" by the time I graduated I was 6'0" and about 215lbs.  Caleb is built like his mom, he's tall and very thin.  The boys on the other hand.  They're tall, and they're solid.  Caleb just recently broke the 50lb barrier.. The boys easily have to weigh 30lbs or better already.  I have a feeling they're going to be built like me.  They fear nothing, and that scares me to no end.  They will not think twice to climb something, jump off something, or jump from one thing to another.

But let me share with you the story of how we found out we were having twins...
I can't remember at exactly what point we were in the pregnancy but it was somewhere between a 1/4 and 1/2 way.  Jill was having some problems and decided we should go to the hospital to make sure everything was ok.  So we get there.  They check her out and the Dr. orders an ultra sound to make sure the baby is ok.  I say baby because at this point we thought we were only having one.  Well, I thought we were only having one.. She apparently had a feeling there might be more than one.   So, we get into the room, the lady puts the goop on her belly and starts the ultra sound.   I'm standing next to Jill watching the screen and I see what I thought was two round objects.  But not being a doctor or anything I pass it off as just the baby's head.   The lady doing the ultra sound says " So, this is your first ultra sound?"  We say yes.  Then she goes "And you're aware already you're having twins?"   Whoa whoa whoa whoa....  Back up the trolley Mr.Rogers...  NO ONE said ANYTHING about twins...   I immediately just go "what?" And that's where I was finished for the night.  From that point I turned into Raymond from Rain Man..   "Yeah, only supposed to be one baby.. Definitely definitely just one baby..."     I have never had a physical reaction to news before until this night...  I've heard of people passing out at news received but that night I came sooo close.  I got very dizzy and lightheaded, I couldn't speak well, I was at a complete loss.  And I had to sit down...  I just remember saying over and over.  "But there's supposed to be just one, not two, just one, how can there be two when there is only supposed to be one?"   And I couldn't get my mind to wrap around the fact that there were two babies in there...  Then we found out they were boys.  It took me I would say a good 5 minutes or so before I really got my bearings back.  Then I immediately sent a text to my cousin Dan who was working at that hospital and had him come down to share the news and so we could have a witness because we knew no one would believe us.  So he came down and he saw the pictures and after sharing congrats went back to work.  We were sent back to our room.  Where we decided then and there it would be fun to call people and tell them what we ourselves had just found out.  We called my grandparents, my grams laughed and offered us congrats, my gramps just laughed at me as only he would.  Then we call my parents and my mom wouldn't believe me..   She finally put my dad on the phone and I told him and he just started laughing and going "oh man".  Come to find out a few days later my mom still didn't believe me and my cousin had to explain to her that he was there and it was in fact true.

And here we are 2 years later...  The first 6-8 months I couldn't tell them apart..  I felt like the world's worst parent.  But as they grew I could see subtle differences and now they have their own little personalities and quirks.  Financially it's a strain as you can imagine.  With a baby it's one thing, but then by double everything..  But I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world..  Well, maybe to become the starting 3rd baseman for the Tigers...  Nah...  They're so much fun, they're so frustrating, they make me angry, they make me laugh, sometimes within moments of each other leaving me feeling like some bi-polar bear who needs a padded room.  So, Happy 2nd Birthday Josh and Jonah!!  Daddy loves you both very much!!!


While we're on the topic of birthdays I too celebrated a birthday.  6 days after the twins turned 2, I turned....... 25.    What?  You don't think I could pass as 25???  Yeah, me neither...  34...  I turned 34 on November 30th..  You can still send presents/money if you feel it in your hearts to do so :-)    I've had a few people ask if I feel older?  I'm not entirely sure what that is supposed to mean but I answer no.  I know that 34 is generally the age in which you start wearing depends, start yelling at kids to keep off your lawn, and watch Lawrence Welk and head for bed by 7:30pm.   But anyone who knows me knows that I have never and will never act my age.  Whether that is a good or bad thing you'll have to ask Jill.  I like having fun too much.  I don't like being serious.  No use in taking life so seriously, no one gets out of it alive anyway right?  Yes, I can be serious when the time and place requires it.  But aside from that, I would rather make people laugh, I would rather make myself laugh, and I would like to just have a good time.  Whether it's wrestling around with the kids, getting down on the floor with them, chasing them through the house, making faces/noises with them, just being fun.  Or something as simple as sitting and watching tv and just doing a running commentary to make her laugh.  I dunno, I just don't see a point in being grumpy as you get older.  You're only as old as you feel.  I still play ball..  Yes, I do feel it a bit more now the next day.  But it's not going to stop me.   The late great Satchel Paige once said Age is a question of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.  That is a perfect quote to describe how I feel about my age.  I may be 34.  My body from all the wear and tear may be older.  But my mind is still about 19-20 and that's how I feel.

Anyway, just a quick rundown of what I've been up to lately.  I have some topics I'll be blogging on here in the next few days so stay tuned!!    Until then, be well!


Rob

Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!

Thanksgiving!!!!!!

Oh, it's that time of year....  The time where you eat yourself stupid and watch football.  I can't think of a better time of year quite honestly.  I love Thanksgiving, always have.  It's far and away my favorite holiday and I'm not quite sure why.  I'm sure it has something to do with the traditions of the day.   Waking up Thanksgiving morning and the whole house smells of turkey.  Mom in the kitchen at 4:30 in the morning getting things going.  Dad making his stuffing.  Trying not to eat a big breakfast so that you can be ready for dinner and lunch is out of the question...  People start filtering in around 1-2pm and by 3 the house is full, it smells amazing and football is on.The guys all in the living room (or backroom in the old house) watching the Lions play whoever they're playing that year.  And then, it's go time..  Dinner is called and you load your plate with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and gravy.  Then the various sides and you're set..  Football, good food, family, what more could you want??

The real reason of Thanksgiving is to be thankful for what you have..  An idea that is easily lost in the fray of life.  I know that I certainly am one of the guilty ones.  In today's society it's far easier to think about what you don't have, what you wish you had, and what you want than it is to stop and see what you have before you..

We have money issues, we have issues of making ends meet, there are personal struggles with stress, depression and anxiety over bills, loss of loved ones, sickness loved ones are going through, they're all very real, very scary things.  And they're legitimate reasons to feel the way one does sometimes.  But at the end of the day you still have so much to be thankful for.  It's ok to be scared and to worry sometimes as long as you don't let it consume you.  Same with stress and anxiety.  Don't let what you can't control, control you...   Don't worry about what you cannot change.  It's times like this that remind me of the Serenity Prayer.  For those of you who may not know what that is I'll post it here..

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

It's an amazing prayer and an interesting way I came across it.   I got it from an AL-ANON book.  I was never in AL-ANON but I came across a book for recovering alcoholics and how to live one day at a time and it took you day by day and gave you something to pray for, something good to look for, something to hold on to during that journey.  And The Serenity Prayer is the main prayer throughout the book. 

I know there are times when life looks bleak and you have a hard time seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.  I've been there. There have been nights of little to hardly any sleep due to stress.  And I'm far from perfect as there are times I still feel it creeping up on me and trying to settle in.  But I have come a long way in that I remember things like The Serenity Prayer and praying in general.  I remember to live for today,  to enjoy today for what it is and what you have.

It's my family, it's coming home to two little twin monsters who react as if I'd been gone for years when I walk through that door.  It's spending time with my 7 yr old playing video games or even getting down on the floor and drawing with him or coloring.  It's sitting with Jill and just talking or watching the boys play as we talk.   It's even something simple as watching a favorite movie when the house is quiet.  These are the things that get me through it all.  Life is hard, and sometimes life can hurt.  But when you have a family like I do as much as life can hurt me, it will never beat me.   It will knock me down from time to time but for them I will keep getting right back up. 

But it even goes beyond family.  I look around me and am so grateful.  I have my home we just bought last year.  We both have jobs that in this time and economy is in itself a miracle.  We both have cars and food in the fridge.  And we both have an amazing supporting cast of family and friends that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.  It's easy to see what I don't have, what I want to have, what I wish I had.  But realizing what I really do have is an amazing thing.  I'm pretty lucky...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!   Take a few minutes to stop and think about what you truly have in your life.  Look around you, life isn't so bad...

Til next time...  Take care of yourselves and be safe out there.

Rob

Jesus Take The Wheel..

Jesus Take The Wheel...

Bleh, that song....  Makes me want to finish that lyric with and steer me right into a bridge embankment....
But, as much as I dislike the song it does hold some truth and in it some power over me.  The words resonate with me and the meaning does too.  Anyway, not the point.    The point of this blog is letting go...  Trusting God in all you do.  Knowing that He will take care of you..  But how?  I won't lie, I am struggling deeply with this as we speak.  To lay all the cards on the table, my family is struggling.  It's not a secret.  And it's financially that we're hurting.  It's not due to a lack of jobs because we both have jobs that pay very well.  We both work full time and we have zero "frills" to our lives.  Our only "extras" we have are our cell phones and the internet.  No cable, we never go out, we don't shop, splurging for us is getting pizza once in awhile.  But we're just not making it.  I won't go into details outside of we're not making it.  We have a few bills that between them eats most of our money.  But the sad thing is these things are a necessity and aren't an option to cut out.  So what do we do?  I've had several people tell me to "let go" or "surrender" to Him and He will take care of you, and that His plan is for your good.  And I honestly and truly believe that.  But I can't make myself surrender..  Here is part of a message I wrote to a friend this morning that better explains what I mean...

  You know, it's so simple, and yet so easy to overlook how much reading a verse can change your perspective and mood on something. While it may not hold the exact answer you're looking for, it gives you that something to hold on to until that answer does come your way... And both of those verses were exactly what I needed to read at that exact moment that I read them. Funny how He works like that. I struggle big time with just letting go and surrendering all to Him... I struggle with the fact that if I do that, I will have no control over my life if that makes sense? It's like riding in the car with someone who isn't a very good driver, you sit in the passenger seat and have no control over the wheel, gas pedal, or how they drive. You have to put your faith in them to get you to where you're going safely and trust it will be ok. I have a HARD time doing that. I like to have my hands on the wheel because then I know exactly where I'm going, I control how fast I go, and it's all done by me.  Ha, the song Jesus Take The Wheel just popped into my head... Anyway, end random moment... I haven't learned to let Jesus drive my car yet because I know that I only trust my driving.. Even if my driving has lead me to 3 major accidents with ambulance rides from 2 of them.. I know that I need to let go, and I know that it's what has to be done.. But I can't take that step. I can't climb into the passenger seat.. Part of that comes from a lack of patience and part of that is lack of faith. I have a hard time turning my life over to an unseen force. A force I know in my heart is there but it's my "needing proof" mind that keeps me from doing so.

And there you have it...  Even though I know Jesus would be a FAR better driver of my car than I could ever be I just can't convince myself to move over to the passenger seat...  And that's where I struggle most.  I know that He wants only what is best for me.  And I know that He would never steer me wrong.  But it's the letting go and falling into uncertainty that scares me to no end.   It's like a first time sky diver.  You have someone there with you who knows what they're doing, knows the in's and out's of what needs to be done, and will do everything with your best interest in mind.  All you have to do is enjoy the ride...  But you get to the edge of the plane and you freeze..  All it takes is one little step but you can't do it.. What if your chute doesn't open?  What if your cable doesn't detach from the plane and you become a windsock at 5,000 feet?
And don't get me started about the drop...  It's too scary, even though you have the one person strapped to you that knows more about it than you could ever know, and has your best interest in mind, and will do everything to see that you're ok...  It's that first step into the blue, it's that initial free fall into the unknown, it's falling and waiting for that chute to open..  How do you do it????   I want to make that jump.  I know I have the best instructor life has to offer in Him with me.  I know He has only my best interest in mind.  But I can't take that step..  What is wrong with me??

Sorry for the rambling, but I suppose that's what a blog is for right?

Until next time....

7 Years Ago...

7 Years Ago, And Other Mindless Ramblings..

Hey all !!
   Sorry it's been a minute since my last blog.   I've been working some crazy hours and haven't had much of an opportunity to get on here and check my email, let alone come up with a blog.   And to be honest I don't have a direct topic for today's blog..  Just some mindless ramblings that have been kicking about in my head.
So here we go...
First and foremost I want to start by saying Happy Birthday to my "chief" or "champ".   My oldest son Caleb turns 7 tomorrow.  It's hard to believe that he's closing in on 10 years old.  I can't fathom how quickly he's grown and how big he is....   I look at little kids with their parents when I'm at work and can remember Caleb being 2, being 4, and turning 5.   He's grown up so much.  I'll have to choose my words carefully lest I start blubbering on my keyboard here...     I see the changes starting in him that as a parent you fear.  I see the innocent edge starting to be worn off little by little.   I see the fiercely independent side of him showing through more and more..  I even see the slightly dishonest side coming through in little things like sneaking candy or trying to talk his way out of things.  And it breaks my heart a little to see all this taking place.  But, he's growing up and it's bound to happen.   But the fun of it all is there are moments where he's reminded that he needs you and in that you're reminded that he needs you.    There are the little moments where he comes and sits down next to me and works his way under my arm.   We have our little things we do together.   Like tomorrow before I have to work ( yeah, I get close on my son's birthday.....)  we are going to go to breakfast at The Depot in Leslie.  He's still obsessed with trains and eating in an old train depot is something he loves to do.  He sits there as we're waiting for our food and comes up with all these scenarios of what used to go on in the depot 100 years ago and says he can picture the people siting and waiting for the train to come.  One time we were there and a real train stopped just shy of the depot so the conductors could get some lunch.  Caleb was beside himself...  He was probably 5 when this happened.   He gets up, marches right over to their table and just starts peppering them with questions.  They were kind enough to answer them all and he comes back after a minute or two and is just starstruck....  You'd have thought he met the most famous person in the world.  He was smiling from ear to ear and couldn't believe that he got to meet a real engineer and conductor...    Other than that he they have tons and tons of train memorabilia and pictures of the depot throughout it's history that he just sits and marvels at.  It's almost always a good time to take him.   After that I'm not sure what the plan is.  Friday, we're going to head to the Toledo Zoo at his request.  Figure we'll do the family thing and see how that pans out.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid.  The trip has all the possibility to turn quickly into a dumpster fire if the twins aren't having fun    We shall see....

Outside of that not much going on.   My grandparents house was hit by either a straight-line wind or a tornado during that line of storms a week ago.  Regardless, it literally sheared their 60 ft pine tree right in the middle.  Looked like someone took a match stick and broke it in half.  It also ripped down a favorite climbing tree of the grandkids that many of us have climbed at one point of another.  I think even some of the girls (my aunts) climbed it when they were little back in the late 1800's...    The storm also took an old maple in the back yard and split it then threw half of it into the back of their house in the process crushing a small barn that most likely was as old as the house well over a hundred years old..  The old red barn was a place of storage but also when I was little it was a house for rabbits, and endless amounts of cats and kittens.   Grandparents managed to get into the basement before it all went down and they're ok.  They were without power for quite awhile into the next week.


That's honestly all I have for today..  Just kind of a rundown of what's been going on since the last time I blogged.   I have some issues I'll be blogging over here in the next few days so keep checking back..

Til then, Be Well,
Rob

Three Times Has To Mean Something... Right??

OK,  first things first...  Thank  you to those of you who've taken the time to read my first couple of entries.   It means a lot that you'd give up a few minutes of your time to read the mindless meanderings that I put out there...

Now, onto today's blog...

OK, so the first real blog here touched on the fact that twice now I've encountered the homeless in two different scenarios.  And in both of them I did what  I could to help how I could.  Do I think what I did was enough?  No, but I also have to understand that God put me in the position to help how and when I could.  I'm trying to be happy with that and all but it's not easy..  Giving $25 to one and $20 and three bottles of water to another hardly to me seems helpful.  I tried to list ways that it could be useful to them and I do understand that it could be.  But I can't help but think I could've done more.  I've been praying for both sets of people I encountered and hope that the little bit I could give them could stretch into something more for them.  Then top it off with praying for them in hopes that God will take care of them as well...  But I can't shake this feeling like I should've done more.  It's almost like a survivors guilt that is eating away at me.   i sit here in my home, on my laptop, typing away about this and who knows where they are now??  Or if they're ok, or how  her baby is doing,  I even worry about the dogs...  There is nothing I hate more than to see kids hurting and animals not taken care of.  Not to say they didn't love the dogs, because it was very obvious they did.  But when you're homeless and are looking for ways to feed yourself it must make it harder to find ways to feed 2 dogs.   So, I worry about them...  Sounds silly I know but it's who I am..  I wish I knew how they were all doing and see if they were making progress.  But maybe it's better that I don't?
I'm having a very hard time trying to make heads or tails of why this has affected me in such a strong way.  Usually, something will happen in life and I'll carry it around with me for a day or two and then I either forget, or I let it go and move on.  This however, I cannot seem to shake.  And that's why I wonder if there's more behind it than chance encounters?????

That brings me to my reasoning behind the latest blog here.  Saturday was when I had the encounter with the young couple trying to make it back to California by hitchhiking and any means necessary.  Almost a week later and as I said, I'm still not able to shake the thought of them.   Well, another encounter has left me convinced that there is something more to this...  And if you want to get technical there has been two encounters since last Saturday..  The first was when we were coming home from church last Sunday.   We were driving up the street past my work and on the very same corner where the couple was is a man holding a sign with bags piled behind him...   Unfortunately, we did not stop this time due to the fact we had a lot to do and little time to do it in.  As far as getting the twins home, fed and down for a nap, then getting things done before our small group that night...  But seeing it alone again shook me.  Fast forward to Wednesday..   I'm working my second day in my new dept at work.  I am standing there minding my business when a man enters the store and stands next to my stand patiently waiting for me to acknowledge him.  I turn to him and ask if there's something I can help him with.  He nods and says " It's starting to rain out there and my wife and I are homeless and have no where to go, do you think you could spare a couple of garbage bags so that we don't get completely soaked out there?"   He was a very pleasant man, and I turned to look outside and saw that it was raining pretty steadily.  I knelt down and pulled out a roll of extra large commercial garbage bags, the huge kind you see in garbage cans at the malls and what not.  He's says "if you can spare one that would be wonderful, we can share it."   My mind is going a million miles an hour by this point..  Trying to figure out what all these encounters mean and what role I could possibly play in it..   So, at that point there isn't much I can do for him money wise because I'm broke.  So all I could say is "I can do you better than that, I'll give you three, one for you, one for her and one for your things."   And I rolled off three bags and handed them to him.  He says thank you and smiles.  But what he said next literally rattled me and made this whole scenario even more difficult to figure out.  As he smiled he says "Thank you sir, God is good, and He smiles when you help someone like me."  And with that he nodded at me, and turned around, and left..  He had a smile on his face as he walked out into the rain and I saw him holding the bags out to show her.   But I was left numb as to what he said...

That's three times now that I've encountered homeless people.  And in all three instances they've had God written all over them.  Starting with the homeless man with the homemade cross in his hand,  then the homeless couple hitchhiking to California and their offer to pray for my family and wishing God's blessing on us,  and finally the homeless man the other day telling me that "God smiles when you help someone like me."  What is happening?  Why is this happening?  And what does it all mean?  It's all leading me to see that my life isn't so bad.  But it's also leaving me completely heartbroken for those who aren't as fortunate.   I mean, I'm nobody special...  So why is God leading these people to me?  Orrrr is He leading ME to them??   Either way, what point is He trying to make?   On the way home from the gym last night I passed my work.  I slowed briefly as I did and could still envision all those people standing on the corner with their signs.   And it got the wheels turning in my head.  Trying to figure all this out, trying to find the punchline to all this, trying to make it make sense but I can't.   I got home, showered, sat on the couch for a few as I perused Facebook on my phone and ultimately went to bed.  But, I didn't fall asleep as I thought I would.  My mind again wandered back to the past week and the people who's paths I've crossed.   And my mind took off like a shot..  In my last blog I quoted Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.    And I started thinking about Jesus returning to us someday,  I thought about an old country song by Collin Raye titled "What If Jesus Comes Back Like That"  and the song starts with him singing about Jesus coming back as a hobo or homeless person... Here are the lyrics...
He came to town on an old freight train
He jumped off in the pouring rain
Everybody said he's insane
Just a low down no account hobo
He made his bed beneath the county bridge
The town folks said hey that's not his
They signed a petition they're gonna get rid
Of that low down no account white trash.
What if Jesus comes back like that
On an old freight train in a hobo hat
Will we let him in or turn our back
What if Jesus comes back like that
Hey what if Jesus comes back like that
If you wanna listen here's the link:
http://youtu.be/aOeugaIz2Mc
But anyway, that verse in the song kept running over and over and over through my head and it really got me thinking.  What IF Jesus came back like that.  I have seen the way my co-workers dismissed them as if they didn't exist or ridiculed them for what they were doing.  Is that the test I've been given?   Then my thinking went a step further and may sound far fetched but in reality there isn't anyone who can grasp what God does or of Jesus love for us.   Here is my "What If" thought..   What if in some way Jesus does come back?  We would NEVER know unless He wants us to..  So, what if He comes back and tests people?  What if He takes on the form of a homeless person to test us and see if we are loving one another or if we would help "the least of our brothers and sisters?"   I'm not saying I personally had an encounter with Jesus but what if???  How would we know??  What if the day and time comes when I die and I get to heaven (hopefully) and I kneel before Him and He takes me through my life and we stop at the times when He came to me at the library and at work and come to find out it was Him...  That He was testing me, testing my heart, my faith and my love for Him??   I could've just as easily turned them all or ignored them,  and they could've just as easily had the same encounter with any of the other billions of people on this planet..   I'm not saying I'm one of kind because I know that's not true.  But why me?  Why these encounters that have all been heavily laden with the love of God and Jesus?
I know it's very easy to dismiss these encounters as chance.  But why not dig deeper?  Why pass it off as something shallow and take it at face value?   Maybe if this had only happened once...  But 3 times is more than coincidence.   I know that it most likely wasn't Jesus but you can't help but think of that verse in the song and wonder..   And even if it wasn't Jesus my heart tells me that He has a hand in this..  It's just for what reason I'm not sure.  Then again, maybe I'm looking too deeply into this??  Maybe I'm trying to see something that's not there..  Maybe these were just three chance encounters and that I'm romanticizing them into something more?  I don't want to think that way though...  I want to think this is trying to tell me something.  And even though I'm beating my head against a wall trying to figure out what THAT is it makes me feel like maybe He does have something in-store for me.  Does that sound weird?  Do I make any sense with this at all?  Or am I blowing it out of proportion?
But what is odd about this all is I keep relating it to my own life and kids.  I see the young couple who have no place to go, no where to live and are expecting a child.  They were both once someone's son and daughter.  They were both once someones world.  I look at my own kids and think of them in that situation and I instantly get watery eyed and my heart hurts.  My kids, despite the fact that they sometimes anger me beyond all comprehension are everything to me.  There is NOTHING I wouldn't do for them.  I would sacrifice myself for them without thinking twice.   So to see two young adults in that position blows my mind.  Aren't there parents somewhere worried for them?  Looking for them?  Maybe they've passed?  Maybe they had a falling out? Who knows..  But then it shifts to the baby they're bringing into the world.  I have no doubts they'll love that baby to the best of their abilities, but you can't raise a child on the street..  And that breaks my heart as well..
I don't know anymore...  This world is a funny and amazing place.  I just wish it made sense sometimes.. Bad things happen to good people.  Good things happen to bad people..  Bad people get away with things and live the good life, while there are good people who are homeless and children who have no roof over their heads and are hungry.  It's all confusing, sometimes it makes me very angry, makes me sad.  But I look at my life and I feel a mix of guilt and happiness.  I don't deserve all the good things I have in my life.  God had blessed me anyhow.  I'm grateful...  But then I see those like the ones I've encountered and I feel guilty for those blessings..  Why am I blessed so much and them so little???    I'm not any better than they are so what makes them less deserving??   I'm not really questioning God because only He knows why things happen as they do.  And I'm not complaining about all that I've been blessed with.  I'm just trying to make heads or tails of it and struggling very much with as I said almost a survivors guilt of sorts.    That's why I wish I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.. That way every encounter I've had so far would've ended with me helping them more than I did.  Not because I want the praise, or the self-indulgent pat on the back,  but because then I know they would be ok.  I know they'd be taken care of.  That they'd never want again.  I know I couldn't help of save them all but the ones I did it would matter to the most.
It's like a story our Pastor Phil Stout has told on a few occasions that has become one of my favorites...
There was a terrible storm that had come in off the ocean.  The surf pounded the coast all night, waves crashing, driving rain, rough tides.  The next morning a couple are walking down the beach enjoying the sunny morning and taking in what the storm had done when they notice a little boy.  The boy who is 6-7 is off in the distance.  But they notice him running picking things up and running and throwing it into the ocean.  And the boy is doing this over and over and over and over.  The closer they get, they notice that there are hundreds and hundreds of starfish that had been washed up onto the beach by the storm.  The little boy is grabbing them one by one and throwing them back into the ocean.   The man and his wife stop near the boy and the man says, "Son, try as you might you'll never save them all, so what difference does it make?"   The little boy stops and picks up a starfish, turns and throws it back into the ocean.  He turns to the man and says "Yeah, but it made a difference to that one."
So, why I might not be able to help them all.  The ones I can it will matter to the most..............

Til next time......

What Exactly Are You Trying To Tell Me?

Ever have those moments or situations in life where it's like Deja Vu?   And no, not the strip club but an instance or moment in your life where the same thing has happened or something similar.   This is something that is going on with me recently and I don't know what to make of it...  If it's a sign..  Or possibly a lesson in life...  I dunno...    But here's what I'm talking about...
When my son was in pre-school he would go for half the day..  He would get out around noon and I'd go meet him at the bus stop and take him home from there.   In the mean time if I had the day of I'd spend that four hours at Ella Sharp Park shooting pictures of nature or at the library downtown reading or checking out books.   Well, this one day in the early early spring.  I decided to go to the library and see if there was anything I wanted to read or check out.  I get to the library and head in and go immediately to the right where the sports section is.   But instead of going to the books something catches my eye to the right side of the room..  It's what appears to be a homeless man.  Dressed in an Army coat, he has an Army duffel bag, a rolled up sleeping bag, and another bag/backpack all in a pile at his feet.  He's in my estimation in his 50's.  He has on a winter hat and fingerless gloves and is sleeping.  It was a very cold morning in the 30's or so and I'm guessing he came from wherever he had slept to get warm.  And no one seemed to be paying him any mind other than he had this HUGE table all to himself...  So as he sleeping I wander around the sports section up and down aisles looking at books here and there but cannot shake the image of this man sleeping in a library to get warm..  I live in Jackson, Michigan but am originally from Leslie.  A small town of roughly 2200 people.  I didn't have my first encounter with anyone homeless until I was roughly 16 or so.  But never have I been witness to something like this, where the guy is a few feet from me sleeping.
So many thoughts flooded my mind.  How old is he?  What's his story?  Do his relatives know where he is?  Does he have children who might be looking for him?  What brought him to this present state?  What is his day to day life like?  Is he happy?  Does he ever pray for change or for God to take care of him?  Do others pray for him?  Do others see him as a person or as a bum who is trying to live off the generosity of others?  So many thoughts flooded my mind that soon I found myself not wanting to look for books anymore but rather found myself just standing in the aisle next to him thinking about him and his life and trying to put myself in his shoes.  I must've looked like a giant freak just standing in the aisle watching this man sleep but it wasn't my intention at all.  But more importantly something was telling me to help this man in whatever way I could.   So I walked closer to see if maybe my walking by him would naturally wake him up, but no such luck..  But the closer I got I noticed something clutched in his left hand.   I stopped blatantly in front of his table and looked..  He had a crudely made cross clutched in his fist..  It looked like it was made of either toothpicks or twigs he had picked up and wrapped yarn around them to form a cross.  And for whatever reason just seeing that emotion hit me like a ton of bricks..  Here is a homeless man, who has all his earthly possessions next to him in two small bags, has no home, little idea where his next meal will come from,  yet he's clutching this cross he made.  It was both heartwarming and completely heartbreaking..   He held onto hope and faith despite the current situation he was in, or at least that was my interpretation of it.  But what could I do?  I couldn't bring him home like a stray dog,  I'm far from rich myself so I can't change his life, and I didn't want to wake him to ask him about his life.  For all I know that could've been the first good sleep in a warm place he had in awhile..   So, I did what came to me first..  I went to the front desk and asked for a pencil and some paper.  I sat down at a table next to him and quickly jotted down a note that went something like this:
Dear Sir,
      I know we don't know each other.   I don't know your story.  But I couldn't help but notice the cross in your hand.
Who I am doesn't matter, I apologize that cannot do more for you.  But hopefully this small amount of money can
help you in some way whether it be to buy food, or supplies or whatever makes your day a little easier.  I will be praying for you
and please don't lose sight of the fact God loves you very much and has a plan for us all and while things may seem dark
He is the way, the truth, and the light.  God bless you and keep you safe brother...

And with that I folded it neatly around the meager $25 extra that I had on me and slipped it under his hand.   I turned around dropped the pencil back off at the front desk and left.   I didn't want to or need to stick around to see this man wake up. I only pray that he found the note and money and that for awhile remembered the world isn't a bad place and that there is hope out there.  I wondered the rest of the day how he was and hoped someone hadn't take the note from him.  Though I suspect that'd be hard to do as I literally tucked it under his hand.  And I've told a few people about this since it happened and it's been a mixed review of feedback..  From the good to people asking why I'd give money to a stranger and a bum...  I didn't do it and I didn't relay my story here for praise or a pat on the back.  I did what I did because despite his station in life, despite the fact he wasn't as clean as you or I, or that he has no home, he's still a person..  He is still a creation of God,  He was once someone's little boy and the light of their life.  He was once innocent and pure as a child with the whole world in front of him and endless dreams and hopes..   Just somewhere along the line something happened either by bad decisions or bad luck.  Doesn't change who he is as a person.  And if you want to take it a step farther...  What if your child today or cousin or brother or whatever is that man in 25-30 years?  Wouldn't you pray for someone to help him somehow?  I pray that no one's child or whatever becomes homeless but it happens.  And if the $25 I gave him can lighten his load or ease his mind for a few days then I'm thrilled beyond words..  That little money could feed him for a few days, or buy him a blanket or gloves or a hat.  It's not much but maybe to him it is??  It's what I could do and it's what God put me in the position to give him...  And there is a scripture in the Bible that rang true here.  It's in Matthew 25:40 that says "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' 
  But the honest truth is I didn't do it to seek approval from people there, you the reader or anyone.   I did it because it felt like the right thing to do.

Which brings me to my second encounter Saturday.  I pulled into work and as I did there is a couple sitting on the grassy corner of the mall entrance.   The man held a sign but I couldn't read it.  But I flashed back to the man at the library and I had to do something for them.  It was hot that day in the low to mid 80's and they were sitting in an unshaded area with two little dogs and all their possessions in bags around them.  So I went into work and asked a manager to excuse me for moment while I bought 3 waters and ran it out to them.   She said "sure" and I did.  I took one out for him, one for her, and one for the dogs.  I knelt down beside them and asked them where they were headed.   The man spoke up first and said they were from California originally but had got married and move to Pennsylvania for work.  He lost his job, they lost everything and to top it off her grandmother died who lived in Michigan.  So they hitchhiked here to make it to her funeral but ultimately wanted to go back to California and try to get their lives back.  They had two little dogs with them who were cute and friendly.  Then she spoke up and says "we are hitchhiking back to California to get back in touch with some family there and trying to make it there before the baby is born."   So, to top it off she's pregnant, they're trying to hitchhike across America to get home and they have everything they own with them in some bags.  My heart broke.  The most I could give them was a measly $20 and I apologized to them as I handed it to him and told him I wished I could do more. I also had the address of the local homeless shelter and told him about it incase they had no place to go that night.  But he just said "God bless you, everything helps in it's own way"  I mean that could feed them and the dogs, or save it up for bus fare, I don't know..  I felt horrible I couldn't do more.  But I told them that I needed to get into work and that I wished them the best and shook their hands, scratched the dogs on the head and turned around to head back in.  The girl called out and asked what my name was.   I told her and she took out a journal pad and wrote The Gibson Family - Jackson, Michigan.  And told me.  "We may never be able to repay you for the waters and money but we can repay you by praying for your family."  She was keeping a journal of all those who have helped them along the way and was praying for them.  I smiled and thanked her and wished them luck again and turned to head back.  As I did a car stopped near them and a lady held out a brown paper bag and told them they went to the restaurant in the mall and had got them some food.   It made me feel good to see this, to see strangers helping strangers..  And when I got back into work I had 10-12 people ask what I did.  I told them and a lot of them asked why I would do that.  My answer is "wouldn't you want someone to help you if you and your family were in that situation?"   Most of them just nodded and went about their business.  But some further questioned me asking things like "what if their con artists or people just looking to make money off the generosity of others?"   "What if their drugs users looking for their next fix?"    I just shrugged, I mean it's entirely possible that it could be that way.  But I would rather be out $20 trying to help someone I think is in need and lose that money than to just pass them by and ignore them.

But my question through all this is what is God trying to tell me?   What is He trying to show me?  I am a firm believer that God puts you in situations and places like that for a reason.  And when something happens more than once there has to be a bigger reason or plan for you with that involved right?   I dunno....   Hopefully, it all become clearer as time moves forward.  I had a talk with God that night after work.  I drove around the block to see if they were still around but they were gone..   It's times like that I wish I were rich.  I wish I could hit the lotto or power ball.   And not even for me.  Yes, the financial security would be nice.  But it would enable me to help more people like that.  I mean how nice would it have been to have that disposable money to take a couple like that, put them on a plane and see that they make it to California safely, and give them extra money to get started with.  Or to take that man in the library and give him enough money to get off the streets, get new clothes and give him a fresh start on life.   And I don't need the credit, or praise for any of that.  I don't want it.   I want to be able to help those who need it.  That night put a lot of things into perspective for me.  Made my little problems like my Central Air not working seem ridiculous and small...   Makes my struggles with my job seem unimportant....  And makes me so thankful that God has provided for me and my family in the ways He has...

Be thankful...  Be grateful....  Because it could all be gone in an instant....   Be thankful that you can sit at your computer, in your house, and read this.   Because right now there's a family looking for their next meal, there's a family trying to find shelter from the rain or heat, there are children who will never know Santa,  will never have a room or bed of their own, who will never have a place to call home.    I told Jill as we left church Sunday and stopped for lunch....  I can't help but feel guilty.  There are so many out there struggling and suffering.  And we complain about bills, and our problems seem so petty....

There's got to be more I can do...  But what??   What exactly are you trying to tell me????