So here I am... Officially 40... I have to say it's very strange for me to say that and even more weird to hear it. Do I feel 40? Not even close. I still feel the same as I did when I was 18. My body likes to remind me that this isn't the case anymore. Not that I was expecting some great change in feeling, being, life, the minute I turned 40. But, it's a pretty big milestone birthday ya know? It signifies that your life is half over.. I'm kidding of course. But it is a big step and a step further away from the person I used to be. I can still remember conversations had during lunch my senior year of high school and that all feels like it was just a few months ago and not 22 years ago.
I still don't have life figured out, and at this point, I'm starting to think two things.
1. I never will.
2. I don't think anyone ever really has figured this thing out..
And that is both ok and frustrating. Am I where I thought I would be at 40? Not even close.
Do I know where I wanted to be at 40? Nope, and I still don't. I wish I did though.
My life at 18 was baseball and social life. My cares didn't go beyond what I was doing that weekend.
40 seemed so far off and SOOO OLD.. But I was sure I'd be somewhere doing something important, making a difference somehow. I'm doing my best to not over analyze my life to this point and play the would've/should've game. Life is such that even one small detour on the road of life can take you somewhere that you would have never guessed but wouldn't change for the world.
At 18 I had no intentions of ever getting married, and did not want kids. But a job I took while in college led me to my future wife, which led to getting married, which led to having 4 boys. Is that the path I thought life would choose for me? Not at all, but I wouldn't change a thing. If I had gone a different route, there would be no meeting her, no making lifelong friends at that job that have become like family, and no having 4 boys to drive me absolutely insane. Funny how life works things out sometimes isn't it?
Even my way of celebrating birthdays has changed. 21 was spent bar hopping with friends, 30 was spent hanging out with those lifelong friends over drinks and music, and 40 was spent with my parents and my family eating a quiet dinner at a restaurant. And it was nice. This birthday was the best I have had in a long time. It was nice to sit there and look around the table at my family and all that I have been blessed with and for that moment in time, there was peace and contentment. Something I haven't felt in a very long time. Especially with all that has gone on in the last few months. Last night went a long way in showing me that I matter and that if I weren't here none of this would be either, and that there is a lot to leave behind. Is this the end of depression for me? Most likely not, and I'm sure that it will rear it's ugly head sooner than I care for it to. But learning to live in the moment and take things a day at a time, a moment at a time like last night, that sure helps things. I will continue to struggle within myself, I will have days where I feel like a huge burden to everyone, I will have days where I have thoughts that would scare most people senseless, but I am safe. Safe in knowing that there is hope beyond the struggle of that moment in time. Safe in knowing I have a support system to lean on when I can't stand on my own. Safe in knowing He will never leave me, even in my darkest hour. Safe in knowing that tomorrow will come because I let it, and choose to not act on thoughts or feelings.
Ending on a positive note, I set a goal of $500 to raise for suicide prevention and through the generosity of others who have felt moved to donate either through personal experience, my story, or someone they know battling this, we are currently at $325. There is still time left if you want to help get to that goal simply by going to https://www.facebook.com/donate/1971683886486809/
and donating whatever you feel moved to donate. Anything and everything is accepted and so gratefully appreciated. Thank you to all of you who have felt moved to donate. You are greatly appreciated and loved. This also has gone a long way in showing me that there people outside my family who care and that is amazing. Again, thank you.
Thank you to all who took a second to send birthday wishes. You all have made turning 40 so much easier than I thought it'd be. I love you all.
I will wrap this up for now. Take a minute to share my blog with someone, subscribe, comment and let me know who you are and where you're from. You're all very important.
Until next time,
Stand up, Speak up, Don't Give Up,
Rob
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