I know it's been a minute since I've posted and I apologize. Something weird happens to me when it comes to writing. I do it in spurts. I get super motivated and go on a run and can hammer out blogs with no problem. Topics, subject matter, free writing, I don't seem to have a problem with getting them done. Then I go through stretches like I am now. I want to write but have no motivation, I just sit here look at the screen and then close my blog and go on to something else. I can't make myself write to save my life. And I want to, I definitely want to but something blocks me, that block turns to frustration, frustration leads to indifference, and I walk away. Usually with the thought that it's better to walk away than to put out something I feel is sub par and waste the time of whoever decides to read this.
That being said, I'm forcing myself to write tonight. I don't want to.... I mean, I do, but I have no topic, no structure, no direction and I'm struggling to keep the train on the tracks here. So I apologize and don't blame you for clicking that X in the upper right hand corner.
I'm still alive. I am still struggling with whatever this depression monster is. I have more good days than bad, and that to me is something. But I've noticed lately I'm bottoming out more quickly and I think that it's kind of a trade off. Instead of crashing hard, shutting down, and fighting all the thoughts and doubts, I just have a day where things feel very down, where I don't want to do anything, where I feel anxious about life. Then the next day it's fine. I'm not sure honestly which is worse but this way feels like it's a lot less damaging or severe. Upside is I haven't really had thoughts of suicide in awhile which is big. Downside, I'm killing myself anyway via stressing myself out. I don't do it intentionally and most times I don't realize I'm in the midst of a stress issue until my stomach starts hurting or I end up with a stress headache. I can see were people would turn to a substance to numb themselves but that isn't a route I will ever take.
Ever feel like you can't get a grip on life whatsoever? That's how I feel. It's like I have all these things I want to do, ways I want to help people, ways to make a difference, but I don't even know where to begin... And it is beyond frustrating because I feel like I was put here to make a difference
somehow and I am ready, willing, and waiting for whatever calling that may be. But my patience has never been a strong point with me. I want answers when I want them and I know that isn't how it works and it never has. When you were a kid and your parents told you to clean your room and you go and just stand in the middle of your room, look around, and not have a clue where to begin because it's so cluttered... That's how I feel. Like I'm standing in the middle of life, looking around, seeing everything I want to do before me, and not having a clue where to begin. And it's almost
paralyzing in that you can see all of it around you, it's right there in front of you, but you can't reach out and touch it, you can't get over to it to take care of it and make it happen. Perhaps I'm just a lost
cause destine to always have ideas but never get to make any of them come to fruition. And I'm not
ok with that, but what do you do? And I'm not playing the helpless victim role because I know that
I'm not a victim of anything other than my inability to set a course of action into motion. So what do I do? I am desperate for help, for guidance, for anything that will send me crashing through that glass ceiling that I keep hitting.
I'm still here, I'm still alive. One positive of this job that I work overnight is that it's brought a new appreciation for my family. I look forward to the times of seeing them more (not that I didn't before but it's a new level of appreciation). Sure the kids still can be a bit much sometimes, and the stress of life is still there, but seeing my 4yr old so happy to see me is pretty awesome, and it's made the time of putting him to bed that we spend together a little more meaningful, the other boys tend to act a little more excited when they ask if I have to work that night and I say no. And it's led to some more frequent games of family UNO. So there is some good that has come from this job.
I'm still hoping to land back on days at some point very soon. I am trying to keep the positives in focus and keep the big picture in perspective. Sometimes that's hard, like when you are facing three 13 hours shifts in a row and only getting 5 hours of sleep in between. Or when your 4 year old tells you that he doesn't want you to go to work. But I know ultimately it's for the best and that I'm actually contributing to the good of our family again.
Anyway, this blog wasn't done with any intention of laying down something memorable or meaningful really. More along the lines of forcing myself to sit down and write. To get that feeling of letting thoughts go from brain, to keyboard, to screen and see my thoughts appear on this blank white page. And I'll admit it feels good. I wish I had something more substantial to write about but maybe it's just about habit and showing myself it can still be done.. Even when I don't want to or maybe am not feeling it.
So with that I'm going to sign off for now and hopefully do this again within the next few days
and maybe stumble upon a topic, feeling, or something to write about.
Until next time..
Be Well,
Rob
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