Depression changes all the questions... It has been a minute since I've put out an entry.
and that last entry was and is the beginning of something I've wanted to do for some time and that is to thank any and everyone who has had an impact on my life in a way that has changed it.
And I still fully intend to do that.
At the risk of sounding repetitive and whiny I thought I would take a moment to dump some of my inner thoughts and feelings into a blog and see what shakes out. Lately I have been in a very deep valley and am not quite sure how to shake it. This one while not being quite as physically draining as they sometimes can be, has been extremely emotionally draining and has me questioning things.
One of my biggest places of refuge during these times is church. Not because it's all happy, feel good, get your God on stuff. But because sometimes something will speak directly to you and snap you out of whatever you're fighting. And I'm not saying that is all church is good for because it is so much more to me. But lately, even with the message that should without a doubt kick me in the butt and snap me to (you are good enough) I felt nothing. And that scared me more than anything. To be in a place that means as much to me as my church does and to not feel anything? Am I that far gone? Am I beyond help? I don't understand it. And I'm not blaming God, or pointing a finger at Him and yelling "why are you doing this to me?" I'm not at all playing a victim. I'm confused and a little scared. I will be the first to admit openly that since our former Head Pastor left I have felt a huge disconnect with my church. And that isn't a knock on our new Pastor. He is a brilliant guy whom I consider a friend and have known for years, played ball with him, and even met with a few times outside church to discuss different things. But something is missing and I feel it's completely on my end. I just don't know what or how to fix it. Is my cloud of depression keeping me from seeing the bigger picture? During the service one week they showed a music video by Zach Williams called "Fear Is A Liar' and it talks about fear telling you that you aren't good enough, that you don't deserve happiness, etc.. And while the lyrics are extremely powerful they show these people who are contemplating suicide for different reasons. One in particular stuck out to me. It was a guy sitting in his car, in his garage, with the doors shut, engine on, and windows down. He was just sitting there waiting to die as this song talks about how "fear will take your breath, stop you in your steps, rob you of your rest and steal your happiness." And instead of being uplifted by this I went numb. My mind went to the guy wanting to die and wondering how many times did he feel like doing it before he actually tried? What was the breaking point? What made him listen and not try the times before that didn't work this time? And it scared me, I've managed to keep that feeling at bay now for awhile. But what if there is a time where it comes back and that small voice in my head doesn't tell me to stop and think about the consequences? At times it has almost been like the cartoon where the angel is on one shoulder and the devil is on the other. I know I sound completely insane. I assure you, I am not. I'm scared. I've leaned on that little voice telling me all that would be left in my wake if I were to go through with it. But what happens if that voice is silent? I would like to think that I am strong enough to do this on my own. And perhaps that is the problem.. I cannot do this on my own..
The crazy thing is I have prayed and prayed for help, for clarity, for anything to make this make sense. And so far, I have nothing. I'm not giving up on Him, I would never do that. But there are times I feel like I'm by myself on an island and it's a lonely, terrifying feeling. I'd like to think that I'm good enough. I'd like to think that in the grand scheme of things I matter. But I do think I've let this fear rob me of all this. It's a funny animal this depression thing. You can have 12 good days in a row where things are fine and you feel human, you feel you can function, and that feeling of depression, despair, anxiety, etc. is a small dot off on the horizon. But then you have one bad day, or something happens and wipes all that away. Some people can just shake it off and keep going. Others it can drag them down for days or weeks. I think I am somewhere in the middle. It will feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and it may take a day or two to get straightened out.
I don't know.. I don't like to complain and I feel if I try talking about it to anyone that I come off as whiny or weird. So I keep it to myself. I figure other people have their own problems without me dumping mine out on them. And I've learned to just work through them and keep moving. I may get quiet, I may withdraw a little, I'm positive that I can be a little short with people and family and I apologize for that, but as Dory says in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming." And that's what I do.
I am slowly working on the whole "it's ok to not be ok" deal. So I apologize for the downer post.
Thank you so much for letting me vent and get it all out. I will make it...
Until next time....
Be Well,
Rob
