Depression changes all the questions... It has been a minute since I've put out an entry.
and that last entry was and is the beginning of something I've wanted to do for some time and that is to thank any and everyone who has had an impact on my life in a way that has changed it.
And I still fully intend to do that.
At the risk of sounding repetitive and whiny I thought I would take a moment to dump some of my inner thoughts and feelings into a blog and see what shakes out. Lately I have been in a very deep valley and am not quite sure how to shake it. This one while not being quite as physically draining as they sometimes can be, has been extremely emotionally draining and has me questioning things.
One of my biggest places of refuge during these times is church. Not because it's all happy, feel good, get your God on stuff. But because sometimes something will speak directly to you and snap you out of whatever you're fighting. And I'm not saying that is all church is good for because it is so much more to me. But lately, even with the message that should without a doubt kick me in the butt and snap me to (you are good enough) I felt nothing. And that scared me more than anything. To be in a place that means as much to me as my church does and to not feel anything? Am I that far gone? Am I beyond help? I don't understand it. And I'm not blaming God, or pointing a finger at Him and yelling "why are you doing this to me?" I'm not at all playing a victim. I'm confused and a little scared. I will be the first to admit openly that since our former Head Pastor left I have felt a huge disconnect with my church. And that isn't a knock on our new Pastor. He is a brilliant guy whom I consider a friend and have known for years, played ball with him, and even met with a few times outside church to discuss different things. But something is missing and I feel it's completely on my end. I just don't know what or how to fix it. Is my cloud of depression keeping me from seeing the bigger picture? During the service one week they showed a music video by Zach Williams called "Fear Is A Liar' and it talks about fear telling you that you aren't good enough, that you don't deserve happiness, etc.. And while the lyrics are extremely powerful they show these people who are contemplating suicide for different reasons. One in particular stuck out to me. It was a guy sitting in his car, in his garage, with the doors shut, engine on, and windows down. He was just sitting there waiting to die as this song talks about how "fear will take your breath, stop you in your steps, rob you of your rest and steal your happiness." And instead of being uplifted by this I went numb. My mind went to the guy wanting to die and wondering how many times did he feel like doing it before he actually tried? What was the breaking point? What made him listen and not try the times before that didn't work this time? And it scared me, I've managed to keep that feeling at bay now for awhile. But what if there is a time where it comes back and that small voice in my head doesn't tell me to stop and think about the consequences? At times it has almost been like the cartoon where the angel is on one shoulder and the devil is on the other. I know I sound completely insane. I assure you, I am not. I'm scared. I've leaned on that little voice telling me all that would be left in my wake if I were to go through with it. But what happens if that voice is silent? I would like to think that I am strong enough to do this on my own. And perhaps that is the problem.. I cannot do this on my own..
The crazy thing is I have prayed and prayed for help, for clarity, for anything to make this make sense. And so far, I have nothing. I'm not giving up on Him, I would never do that. But there are times I feel like I'm by myself on an island and it's a lonely, terrifying feeling. I'd like to think that I'm good enough. I'd like to think that in the grand scheme of things I matter. But I do think I've let this fear rob me of all this. It's a funny animal this depression thing. You can have 12 good days in a row where things are fine and you feel human, you feel you can function, and that feeling of depression, despair, anxiety, etc. is a small dot off on the horizon. But then you have one bad day, or something happens and wipes all that away. Some people can just shake it off and keep going. Others it can drag them down for days or weeks. I think I am somewhere in the middle. It will feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and it may take a day or two to get straightened out.
I don't know.. I don't like to complain and I feel if I try talking about it to anyone that I come off as whiny or weird. So I keep it to myself. I figure other people have their own problems without me dumping mine out on them. And I've learned to just work through them and keep moving. I may get quiet, I may withdraw a little, I'm positive that I can be a little short with people and family and I apologize for that, but as Dory says in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming." And that's what I do.
I am slowly working on the whole "it's ok to not be ok" deal. So I apologize for the downer post.
Thank you so much for letting me vent and get it all out. I will make it...
Until next time....
Be Well,
Rob
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
TO MY FAMILY
Ok, so I know in my last entry I shared the idea of doing some entries where I acknowledge some of the people who have impacted my life on a grand scale. The one's who have come into my life and changed it forever. Those who have taught me, been there for me, motivated me, or spoke the truth when I didn't want to hear it. Those who know me best know that I'm not outwardly a feelings guy.
Like I said in the last entry, I have just come to a point in my life where I'm getting comfortable hugging people. So this is a huge step for me, and a huge step out of my comfort zone. It's very exposing and very scary. I also want to preface it all by saying this: if you don't get mentioned, don't take it personally. It doesn't mean that you haven't also touched my life in some way. It's just I can't take the time to write about each and every single person that I've ever met. If you're curious about where you stand, you are most welcome to shoot me a message, text, email, etc.. And I would be most happy to share you. That being said, here we go..
I've decided that I'm going to do these in groups that make sense to me. My family, my friends, and whatever combination of people I can put into groups. I think it makes sense that way.
So this first group is one that impacts my life on a daily basis. The ones that see me and deal with me on a daily basis. That see me at my best and also at my worst. The ones whom I have laughed with, cried with, and shared moments with that I will never forget. This group is of course, my family.
We'll start with the one who has dealt with me the longest.
To Jill:
Where do I even begin? You have share 19 years of your life with me, this year will be 16 years of it that we've been married. You have been with me through so much. From working with me all those years ago at Hollywood Video, to our date with Chuck, to all those times at Jerry's doing karaoke, getting engaged, getting married, welcoming our first born into the world, moving a million times to a million places, struggling financially, struggling together being married, separating, giving it another try, welcoming two more babies at once, losing loved ones along the way, welcoming out last born, the list could go on and on and on. But you know every thing I could list because you were there too. Marriage is hard. I have not been the best husband I could possibly be. I am difficult to live with. I've gone through some times that I know have been just as trying on you for many reasons. And I know I still have a long long way to go to be the kind of husband you deserve.
But thank you, thank you for not ever giving up on me, giving up on us when it would have been so easy to. Thank you for being supportive even in times where you yourself needed someone to lean on and I wasn't there for you. Where I let my mess or what I was going through consume me and
I failed to remember that we were a team. Thank you for second chances, thank you for going to get
coffee with me that night at Big Boy after we met to discuss our divorce at Friend of the Court. To this day I remain blown away at how that all worked out. And I'm so grateful it did work out the way it did. Thank you for those 4 boys that have become such a major part of our lives. They are loud, they are entertaining, they never cease to amaze me, and I can't and wouldn't want to imagine our life without them. And without you going to Big Boy with me that night, 3 of them would have never have come into our lives. Thank you for continuing to laugh at me after 19 years. My fear is that one day the laughter would stop and I wasn't sure how I would handle that. You have no idea how much it does for me to hear you laugh and to be able to make you laugh still after all these years. We may not be the most mushy couple but I couldn't think of a better person to sit and watch the Olympics with, watch American Ninja Warrior with, watch anything with, and just make fun of the contestants and laugh. We're childish, our humor can be borderline immature, and sometimes you completely floor me with a one liner that I would never have seen coming, and I love it. You are one of the few people in life that get to see the real me. That may be sad that I feel I can't be myself in all facets of life. But to me it's a comfort level thing. And you are my comfort zone, my safe space where I can be as weird as I want to be, where I can express fears, thoughts, frustrations, and you listen and give appropriate feed back. And for that I am so grateful. You truly are the force that drives our family. You wear many hats within this family, thank you for everything that you do, everything that you are, and everything that you mean to this family. I can't even begin to imagine life without you. It's amazing to look back to 8/20/99 when we started dating and just see how much life has changed around us... Losing family members, friends, people moving away, friends getting married and having kids. It's crazy to think about. We may not be rich by any stretch of the imagination. But I think we've done a great job raising the boys and showing them money isn't everything. Thank you for sharing life with me. I love you more than I could possibly express. I'm proud to be able to say that we defied the odds, stayed together, worked together and have made it when society says it's easier to just give up and throw it all away. Thank you for fighting with me and for us. It floors me to see how fast time goes by. Seems like yesterday we were hanging out at Jerry's every week, now we have a teenager who is starting high school this fall, two boys who will be 9 already, and a Bub who will be in Kindergarten come this fall... It's amazing to see them grow, see them develop their own personalities, their own sense of humor, likes and dislikes, but also sad to see them growing so quickly. Here is to the next 19 years... Come what may...
Caleb: Where do I even start? Our first born. You have been through a lot in your 13 years. You have moved with us several times, been through the separation, gone from being an only child to having 3 little brothers, experiencing what was easily the scariest moment of my being a parent when we totaled my car when you were 5, to you having your first major surgery, You have always marched to the beat of your own drum. You gave sports a try and found it wasn't for you. Then you asked one day if I was disappointed in you because you didn't want to play baseball like I did. The answer I gave you was and is no. You are your own person, you are free to like what you choose, do what you choose, and be who you want to be. My only concern is that you find happiness in whatever you decide to do in life. You are so incredibly smart, you are driven when you find something you're passionate about. Take your art for example. You are self taught, you can draw better than anyone I know or have met. I love seeing your work and love being able to show it and share it with others. My only disappointment is that you aren't there to see the joy your art brings to everyone who sees it. Your art has touched many people. I pray you continue with your art and do something with it as an adult to share it with the world and make a living off of doing something you love. When you do something you truly love, you'll never work a day in your life. You are a far better student than I ever was we could not possibly be more proud of you for all of your academic accomplishments so far. The sky truly is the limit for you. I realize that I can be hard on you sometimes. Truth be known, I sometimes tend to be a little harder on you because I know you are capable of so much and so expectations on you are a little higher. But that isn't a bad thing. It means I know that you are capable of so much and I don't want to see you rest on your laurels or mail it in at any point. With the grades you get and the level of artist you've become, you truly could end up choosing to go to school wherever you want to after high school. Sports were my thing and that's fine. I wish I could have been the student you are. Your grades, your art, your music, you are turning into a very well rounded person and I could not possibly be more proud of you. I know the time is already setting in where dad isn't cool and you won't need dad like you used to. And I get that, it's part of growing up. But never forget that I'm always here and you can always talk to me about anything. Speaking of which, don't think I forgot about the note you wrote me after my episode where I considered suicide. That meant the world to me. The things you said in that note were extremely mature and thoughtful. When it came down to it, I couldn't do it, and I think it's because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you all behind. Your note helped put things into perspective for me and I will hold on to that note as a reminder of where I need to be and why. So thank you. I know you and I but heads a lot, but when push comes to shove there is nothing I wouldn't do for you.
I love you, and I am so excited to see what you do with the future because it's wide open before you and yours for the taking. Keep working hard, keep learning, keep growing in your art, and keep being thoughtful and kind. You are on your way to doing great things.
Josh: My oldest twin, my twin of many facial expressions and randomness. Being a twin can't be easy all the time. Then being a twin in a family where you have 3 other brothers makes things even more tough. Sometimes you don't get the one on one attention you deserve and that is something I need to work a little more on and for that I am sorry. That being said, you are a funny dude. You say some of the most random, funny, off the wall things I've ever heard a kid say. Your wit is sharp as a tack which scares the heck out of me for the future, your ability to come back with one liners and get the person who you fired it at is impressive and reminds me of someone else I know... Me...
You are goofy, your facial expressions are rivaled by no one, and you are one tough kid. You remind me a lot of myself (minus the bad hair, bell bottoms, and butterfly collars) and watching you grow up kind of must be like what it was like watching me grow up. It's definitely interesting for sure. You have an athletic side that I think if you work hard, practice hard, and don't give up, you will be a great athlete. It's hard to say what your sport could be, but I'm glad to see you willingly trying so many different sports. And hopefully you find one and attack it with the same passion I did with baseball. But much like Caleb, you are your own person, you can decide to do whatever you like and makes you happy. What you put into and get out of sports is between you and that sport. I am just your cheerleader and biggest fan on the sidelines, or even coaching you as I've done the past few years. It has been a pleasure coaching you and seeing you grow as a ballplayer. You have come a long way and I think you have the potential to be a very good ball player should that be what you choose. I know I was a little tougher on you and your brother when I coached. But that is because I see that you guys are capable of so much on the field and I don't want you to cheat yourself by not giving your all. But while you are good on the field you are better in the classroom. Seeing you succeed in the classroom and hearing your teacher speak about how well you're doing and how smart you are is a great thing. You sometimes need to be reminded to focus and why it's important to do work in a timely manner but overall you are extremely bright and if you continue to apply yourself and work hard, the future for you will be bright too. You have done well in breaking the stereotype of what people think of twins, you are definitely your own person. You are funny, you are tough, and you're smart. Thank you for making me laugh, for wrestling with me and letting me beat on you.
I love you, you're my favorite first born twin.
Jonah: My youngest twin. I think you are a little more quiet than your brother. You can definitely be loud, don't get me wrong, but I think you are a little more reserved. You are an extremely smart kid. I also think you have what it takes to be a very good athlete. I think sports may come a little more naturally to you, but I also think that you need to be careful and not rest on your ability because that can lead to not working hard to get better. And there is always something you could work on to be better. I have had so much fun coaching you in baseball. Seeing your throwing and hitting progress.
And to see you taking interest in baseball and basketball is awesome to see. But much like I told Caleb and Josh, whatever you choose to do, do it to the best of your ability, and if it makes you happy that is ultimately what is important. You are a very good student as well and it's awesome to see you doing so well in school. Your teachers always have such nice things to say about you. And I know you don't understand, but someday you will, as a parent we love hearing that when our kids aren't at home or around us that they know how to behave and apply themselves. Continue to work hard in school and I promise the future will be wide open for you. You have also done a great job in showing others that twins while they may look a like, are in fact their own person. You are a little more reserved I would say than your brother, and you are an extremely thoughtful kid. You tend to put others feelings in front of your own and that is an amazing thing. That story you told me of going over to the kid that was crying and trying to cheer him up, that very much shows what kind of person you are. And it's not the first time we've heard of you doing this. When you were little at church there was a kid crying and you went and sat with him and didn't really say a word but just sat next to him so he wouldn't be sad. That is a very mature thing to do and a great thing to do for others. I hope you never lose that. The world needs more people like you to help others who are less fortunate or who may need a friend or someone to talk to. Be that person.. As you and your brother get older I see you guys becoming more independent and needing us less and less. But there are times you still like to come over and lean against me as you lay on the couch or give random hugs, and that is good and I'll take them any time I can. You also tend to have a very weird sense of humor and say some pretty random things. You're a goofy, smart, extremely thoughtful kid. Thank you for the laughs, for showing me that there is still good in the world, and for letting me beat you up. I love you kid.
Alex: My Bub, my last born, my man child. You are a wonder to behold. I am so lucky to have been able to spend the first few years of your life at home with you. I sometimes think that may be a little detrimental given how weird and random you've become. You are the king of facial expressions and being flat out weird. Your ability to learn blows me away. To see how you've picked up numbers, shapes, letters, colors, and even learning to read before kindergarten. You never cease to amaze me with what you learn and all that you retain. I know no other 4 year old in my entire life that knows what a do-decagon is, or that can sing the alphabet backwards, or has learned to read as quickly as you have. You are constantly surprising me with how much you know. It's awesome to see how you've grown and also a little sad that you're growing up so quickly. One of the hardest things I've had to do is go back to work after spending a few years at home with you. I know it was an adjustment for you, but it was a huge adjustment for me. It has made me appreciate the times we get to spend together even more. It makes putting you to bed a little less of a chore because I know it's not something I get to do every night anymore. So I don't get irritated when songs run a little long, or laughing gets a little out of hand. Because before I know it you will be too big to be sung to, and our routine will change and eventually you'll start putting yourself to bed like your brothers. I love that you still like sitting with me and don't mind that I fall asleep sometimes while you're sitting with me.
And that you still get excited to see me when I get home or come to pick you up. I know you're going to be great in kindergarten, you already know so much, if we can just fine tune a few things to make sure you're completely successful everything will be great. But you will be just fine, I have no doubts. Your sense of humor is so random and funny. Thank you for that. The times you randomly call me Bruce or tell me there is a random animal chasing you. I know that sometimes you kind of get the short end of the stick because you're little and your older brothers are.. well.. older. And they don't want to play with you. So a lot of the time you wind up playing by yourself and are perfectly content. But every once in awhile I will catch one of your brothers sitting together in the chair.
Thank you for being my buddy, my pal, my Bub, or any of the other litany of nicknames I seem to come up with for you. I love you and I am so excited to see you continue to grow into the giant that you are becoming.
There you have it. My family, the greatest thing ever to happen to me.. My source of joy, frustration, anger, and pride. I couldn't and would never want to imagine life without them. I never wanted to get married or have kids. I'm glad someone else had other plans for me...
So there you have it. One group down, and I'm sure there are some who are a little weirded out at seeing me say such things. It's always there, but like I said, I'm just not a guy who can convey them into actual words. Plus this way, it's there for them to read whenever they want or should I not be here in the future at some point.
That is all for now, next up will be some friends..
Until next time..
Be Well,
Rob
Like I said in the last entry, I have just come to a point in my life where I'm getting comfortable hugging people. So this is a huge step for me, and a huge step out of my comfort zone. It's very exposing and very scary. I also want to preface it all by saying this: if you don't get mentioned, don't take it personally. It doesn't mean that you haven't also touched my life in some way. It's just I can't take the time to write about each and every single person that I've ever met. If you're curious about where you stand, you are most welcome to shoot me a message, text, email, etc.. And I would be most happy to share you. That being said, here we go..
I've decided that I'm going to do these in groups that make sense to me. My family, my friends, and whatever combination of people I can put into groups. I think it makes sense that way.
So this first group is one that impacts my life on a daily basis. The ones that see me and deal with me on a daily basis. That see me at my best and also at my worst. The ones whom I have laughed with, cried with, and shared moments with that I will never forget. This group is of course, my family.
We'll start with the one who has dealt with me the longest.
To Jill:
Where do I even begin? You have share 19 years of your life with me, this year will be 16 years of it that we've been married. You have been with me through so much. From working with me all those years ago at Hollywood Video, to our date with Chuck, to all those times at Jerry's doing karaoke, getting engaged, getting married, welcoming our first born into the world, moving a million times to a million places, struggling financially, struggling together being married, separating, giving it another try, welcoming two more babies at once, losing loved ones along the way, welcoming out last born, the list could go on and on and on. But you know every thing I could list because you were there too. Marriage is hard. I have not been the best husband I could possibly be. I am difficult to live with. I've gone through some times that I know have been just as trying on you for many reasons. And I know I still have a long long way to go to be the kind of husband you deserve.
But thank you, thank you for not ever giving up on me, giving up on us when it would have been so easy to. Thank you for being supportive even in times where you yourself needed someone to lean on and I wasn't there for you. Where I let my mess or what I was going through consume me and
I failed to remember that we were a team. Thank you for second chances, thank you for going to get
coffee with me that night at Big Boy after we met to discuss our divorce at Friend of the Court. To this day I remain blown away at how that all worked out. And I'm so grateful it did work out the way it did. Thank you for those 4 boys that have become such a major part of our lives. They are loud, they are entertaining, they never cease to amaze me, and I can't and wouldn't want to imagine our life without them. And without you going to Big Boy with me that night, 3 of them would have never have come into our lives. Thank you for continuing to laugh at me after 19 years. My fear is that one day the laughter would stop and I wasn't sure how I would handle that. You have no idea how much it does for me to hear you laugh and to be able to make you laugh still after all these years. We may not be the most mushy couple but I couldn't think of a better person to sit and watch the Olympics with, watch American Ninja Warrior with, watch anything with, and just make fun of the contestants and laugh. We're childish, our humor can be borderline immature, and sometimes you completely floor me with a one liner that I would never have seen coming, and I love it. You are one of the few people in life that get to see the real me. That may be sad that I feel I can't be myself in all facets of life. But to me it's a comfort level thing. And you are my comfort zone, my safe space where I can be as weird as I want to be, where I can express fears, thoughts, frustrations, and you listen and give appropriate feed back. And for that I am so grateful. You truly are the force that drives our family. You wear many hats within this family, thank you for everything that you do, everything that you are, and everything that you mean to this family. I can't even begin to imagine life without you. It's amazing to look back to 8/20/99 when we started dating and just see how much life has changed around us... Losing family members, friends, people moving away, friends getting married and having kids. It's crazy to think about. We may not be rich by any stretch of the imagination. But I think we've done a great job raising the boys and showing them money isn't everything. Thank you for sharing life with me. I love you more than I could possibly express. I'm proud to be able to say that we defied the odds, stayed together, worked together and have made it when society says it's easier to just give up and throw it all away. Thank you for fighting with me and for us. It floors me to see how fast time goes by. Seems like yesterday we were hanging out at Jerry's every week, now we have a teenager who is starting high school this fall, two boys who will be 9 already, and a Bub who will be in Kindergarten come this fall... It's amazing to see them grow, see them develop their own personalities, their own sense of humor, likes and dislikes, but also sad to see them growing so quickly. Here is to the next 19 years... Come what may...
Caleb: Where do I even start? Our first born. You have been through a lot in your 13 years. You have moved with us several times, been through the separation, gone from being an only child to having 3 little brothers, experiencing what was easily the scariest moment of my being a parent when we totaled my car when you were 5, to you having your first major surgery, You have always marched to the beat of your own drum. You gave sports a try and found it wasn't for you. Then you asked one day if I was disappointed in you because you didn't want to play baseball like I did. The answer I gave you was and is no. You are your own person, you are free to like what you choose, do what you choose, and be who you want to be. My only concern is that you find happiness in whatever you decide to do in life. You are so incredibly smart, you are driven when you find something you're passionate about. Take your art for example. You are self taught, you can draw better than anyone I know or have met. I love seeing your work and love being able to show it and share it with others. My only disappointment is that you aren't there to see the joy your art brings to everyone who sees it. Your art has touched many people. I pray you continue with your art and do something with it as an adult to share it with the world and make a living off of doing something you love. When you do something you truly love, you'll never work a day in your life. You are a far better student than I ever was we could not possibly be more proud of you for all of your academic accomplishments so far. The sky truly is the limit for you. I realize that I can be hard on you sometimes. Truth be known, I sometimes tend to be a little harder on you because I know you are capable of so much and so expectations on you are a little higher. But that isn't a bad thing. It means I know that you are capable of so much and I don't want to see you rest on your laurels or mail it in at any point. With the grades you get and the level of artist you've become, you truly could end up choosing to go to school wherever you want to after high school. Sports were my thing and that's fine. I wish I could have been the student you are. Your grades, your art, your music, you are turning into a very well rounded person and I could not possibly be more proud of you. I know the time is already setting in where dad isn't cool and you won't need dad like you used to. And I get that, it's part of growing up. But never forget that I'm always here and you can always talk to me about anything. Speaking of which, don't think I forgot about the note you wrote me after my episode where I considered suicide. That meant the world to me. The things you said in that note were extremely mature and thoughtful. When it came down to it, I couldn't do it, and I think it's because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you all behind. Your note helped put things into perspective for me and I will hold on to that note as a reminder of where I need to be and why. So thank you. I know you and I but heads a lot, but when push comes to shove there is nothing I wouldn't do for you.
I love you, and I am so excited to see what you do with the future because it's wide open before you and yours for the taking. Keep working hard, keep learning, keep growing in your art, and keep being thoughtful and kind. You are on your way to doing great things.
Josh: My oldest twin, my twin of many facial expressions and randomness. Being a twin can't be easy all the time. Then being a twin in a family where you have 3 other brothers makes things even more tough. Sometimes you don't get the one on one attention you deserve and that is something I need to work a little more on and for that I am sorry. That being said, you are a funny dude. You say some of the most random, funny, off the wall things I've ever heard a kid say. Your wit is sharp as a tack which scares the heck out of me for the future, your ability to come back with one liners and get the person who you fired it at is impressive and reminds me of someone else I know... Me...
You are goofy, your facial expressions are rivaled by no one, and you are one tough kid. You remind me a lot of myself (minus the bad hair, bell bottoms, and butterfly collars) and watching you grow up kind of must be like what it was like watching me grow up. It's definitely interesting for sure. You have an athletic side that I think if you work hard, practice hard, and don't give up, you will be a great athlete. It's hard to say what your sport could be, but I'm glad to see you willingly trying so many different sports. And hopefully you find one and attack it with the same passion I did with baseball. But much like Caleb, you are your own person, you can decide to do whatever you like and makes you happy. What you put into and get out of sports is between you and that sport. I am just your cheerleader and biggest fan on the sidelines, or even coaching you as I've done the past few years. It has been a pleasure coaching you and seeing you grow as a ballplayer. You have come a long way and I think you have the potential to be a very good ball player should that be what you choose. I know I was a little tougher on you and your brother when I coached. But that is because I see that you guys are capable of so much on the field and I don't want you to cheat yourself by not giving your all. But while you are good on the field you are better in the classroom. Seeing you succeed in the classroom and hearing your teacher speak about how well you're doing and how smart you are is a great thing. You sometimes need to be reminded to focus and why it's important to do work in a timely manner but overall you are extremely bright and if you continue to apply yourself and work hard, the future for you will be bright too. You have done well in breaking the stereotype of what people think of twins, you are definitely your own person. You are funny, you are tough, and you're smart. Thank you for making me laugh, for wrestling with me and letting me beat on you.
I love you, you're my favorite first born twin.
Jonah: My youngest twin. I think you are a little more quiet than your brother. You can definitely be loud, don't get me wrong, but I think you are a little more reserved. You are an extremely smart kid. I also think you have what it takes to be a very good athlete. I think sports may come a little more naturally to you, but I also think that you need to be careful and not rest on your ability because that can lead to not working hard to get better. And there is always something you could work on to be better. I have had so much fun coaching you in baseball. Seeing your throwing and hitting progress.
And to see you taking interest in baseball and basketball is awesome to see. But much like I told Caleb and Josh, whatever you choose to do, do it to the best of your ability, and if it makes you happy that is ultimately what is important. You are a very good student as well and it's awesome to see you doing so well in school. Your teachers always have such nice things to say about you. And I know you don't understand, but someday you will, as a parent we love hearing that when our kids aren't at home or around us that they know how to behave and apply themselves. Continue to work hard in school and I promise the future will be wide open for you. You have also done a great job in showing others that twins while they may look a like, are in fact their own person. You are a little more reserved I would say than your brother, and you are an extremely thoughtful kid. You tend to put others feelings in front of your own and that is an amazing thing. That story you told me of going over to the kid that was crying and trying to cheer him up, that very much shows what kind of person you are. And it's not the first time we've heard of you doing this. When you were little at church there was a kid crying and you went and sat with him and didn't really say a word but just sat next to him so he wouldn't be sad. That is a very mature thing to do and a great thing to do for others. I hope you never lose that. The world needs more people like you to help others who are less fortunate or who may need a friend or someone to talk to. Be that person.. As you and your brother get older I see you guys becoming more independent and needing us less and less. But there are times you still like to come over and lean against me as you lay on the couch or give random hugs, and that is good and I'll take them any time I can. You also tend to have a very weird sense of humor and say some pretty random things. You're a goofy, smart, extremely thoughtful kid. Thank you for the laughs, for showing me that there is still good in the world, and for letting me beat you up. I love you kid.
Alex: My Bub, my last born, my man child. You are a wonder to behold. I am so lucky to have been able to spend the first few years of your life at home with you. I sometimes think that may be a little detrimental given how weird and random you've become. You are the king of facial expressions and being flat out weird. Your ability to learn blows me away. To see how you've picked up numbers, shapes, letters, colors, and even learning to read before kindergarten. You never cease to amaze me with what you learn and all that you retain. I know no other 4 year old in my entire life that knows what a do-decagon is, or that can sing the alphabet backwards, or has learned to read as quickly as you have. You are constantly surprising me with how much you know. It's awesome to see how you've grown and also a little sad that you're growing up so quickly. One of the hardest things I've had to do is go back to work after spending a few years at home with you. I know it was an adjustment for you, but it was a huge adjustment for me. It has made me appreciate the times we get to spend together even more. It makes putting you to bed a little less of a chore because I know it's not something I get to do every night anymore. So I don't get irritated when songs run a little long, or laughing gets a little out of hand. Because before I know it you will be too big to be sung to, and our routine will change and eventually you'll start putting yourself to bed like your brothers. I love that you still like sitting with me and don't mind that I fall asleep sometimes while you're sitting with me.
And that you still get excited to see me when I get home or come to pick you up. I know you're going to be great in kindergarten, you already know so much, if we can just fine tune a few things to make sure you're completely successful everything will be great. But you will be just fine, I have no doubts. Your sense of humor is so random and funny. Thank you for that. The times you randomly call me Bruce or tell me there is a random animal chasing you. I know that sometimes you kind of get the short end of the stick because you're little and your older brothers are.. well.. older. And they don't want to play with you. So a lot of the time you wind up playing by yourself and are perfectly content. But every once in awhile I will catch one of your brothers sitting together in the chair.
Thank you for being my buddy, my pal, my Bub, or any of the other litany of nicknames I seem to come up with for you. I love you and I am so excited to see you continue to grow into the giant that you are becoming.
There you have it. My family, the greatest thing ever to happen to me.. My source of joy, frustration, anger, and pride. I couldn't and would never want to imagine life without them. I never wanted to get married or have kids. I'm glad someone else had other plans for me...
So there you have it. One group down, and I'm sure there are some who are a little weirded out at seeing me say such things. It's always there, but like I said, I'm just not a guy who can convey them into actual words. Plus this way, it's there for them to read whenever they want or should I not be here in the future at some point.
That is all for now, next up will be some friends..
Until next time..
Be Well,
Rob
Friday, March 9, 2018
Time In A Bottle....
There was a great song by Jim Croce call Time In A Bottle.. And one half verse in particular sticks with me....
"If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure"
"If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure"
Read on and you'll see why.....
So the other night I was in the ER. For the 2nd time in 6 months I ended up there with an extremely
tight chest, was dizzy, had heartburn, and my bp shot up to 171/101. And as I laid on the hospital bed after my x-rays, my blood work, the doctor playing 20 questions and poking me all over the chest and abdomen, I started thinking about life...
I know, weird. But hey, when you're by yourself and it's 3 in the morning your mind tends to wander a little. I started thinking about my life and what it is as opposed to what I thought it'd be. Thinking about how my life couldn't possibly be any more different than I thought it'd be. For years and years I stood by my never wanting to get married and have kids. My goal was to play baseball until the wheels fell off and then move on to something I loved doing and enjoy just living. 23 years have passed, been married for 15 of it, have 4 boys.. I don't think I could have ended up at any further end of the spectrum. But who am I to question things? Would I change anything? No. Don't get me wrong I miss baseball. But I'm at a point now where I couldn't possibly imagine life being any other way. Is it stressful, hard, sometimes too much? Absolutely it is. But then there are times of bringing new life into this world (sometimes two at a time...), there are milestone anniversaries, there is overcoming odds and fighting against society norms of disposable marriages in a time where most would just walk away. There are first steps, first days of school, first ballgames, seeing them Christmas morning and rediscovering what Christmas felt like again as a child. There are first words spoken, unplanned moments of everything falling into place if only for a few hours where everyone is happy, everyone is having fun, there is no fighting, there is peace. And time slows down for those moments noticeably. And you become aware of your surroundings and see all this going on around you and how perfect it can be, and you can allow yourself to take a step back amidst all that is going on and just take it in and live in that moment. And know that it's all the crap, all the pain, hurt, and stress in life that leads you to those moments and allows you to enjoy those moments on a level that is special and unique because that's what those moments are, they're special, unique, and rare. But it's those moments that get you through life. It's those moments that offer you temporary amnesia from the real world, if only for that little while. But even though those times are fleeting and only last but a short period of time, isn't it amazing how that small period of peace and happiness can refuel you?
How that time where everything comes together perfectly can completely change your outlook on life, can take that pain, hurt, and stress and cast it away, reminding you of what is still good in life and what truly matters.
To me these moments are instantly burned into my memory. Moments like the entire family playing with bubbles in our driveway, seeing the kids laughing and chasing them around the yard. Moments like an impromptu picnic at a park by the lake, a day spent at Michigan Adventure where things just fall into place. The times are so simple and organic and you just know you're in a moment that will be remembered. And it would be easy to say "man, I wish it could be that way all the time.." And part of me does. But, I also know that if times were like that all the time you wouldn't appreciate them as much as you do those times are few and far between. It's those times in the few and far between that give you that perspective and ability to enjoy the perfect times so much more. So in that aspect I'm grateful for the times I go through. Do I wish they were a little less severe sometimes? Of course, but all you can do is play the hand you're dealt to the best of your ability and live life as it comes at you. This job, this depression, anxiety, it's part of who I am. But it is also plays a part in helping me to recognize the bigger picture and hang on.
That being said, my thought process after all this in the hospital was thinking about the people who mean the most to me in my life. People who throughout my life have stood by me throughout the good times and bad, who were there to pick me up and brush me off, or kick me in the butt when needed. I always thought life was about how many friends you had surrounding you. But the older I get the more I realize that it's much better to have a select group of friends who you have shared life with than a room full of acquaintances who are only there for you when it's best for them. I have a group of friends that I'm fortunate to say have been in my life for almost 20 years now. And I have a family that supports me and has been there for me through all this.
I'm not a big in your face, feelings kinda guy. I'll hug people and believe me that has taken some time to come around to doing. But I'm not one for open communication of feelings. It's just who I am. So what I would like use my blog for the next few entries to reach out and tell some people what they've meant to me, how they've impacted my life, and how thankful I am for them. This is by no means a slight against anyone who may or may not be mentioned. But in life there are certain people who play bigger roles and for that I'm grateful. There will be family and friends mentioned. And I haven't decided if I am going to do a series of short blogs and do one per. Or if I am going to do multiple people per blog. Either way my point behind this is life is short. I'm 40 years old... I was just 18 yesterday.. And bigger picture is that tomorrow is never guaranteed. And I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to leave this life and not have the people who impacted me most know that they did and how appreciative I am for them.
But for now I will wrap this up and start compiling a list and thinking about what it is that I want to say. Thank you all for reading, just by reading this you are showing me support and I am so grateful for that and for you. I'd like more feedback in the comments section but the numbers show me that you're there and reading and that is so awesome.
Until next time, keep reading...
Be Well,
Rob
So the other night I was in the ER. For the 2nd time in 6 months I ended up there with an extremely
tight chest, was dizzy, had heartburn, and my bp shot up to 171/101. And as I laid on the hospital bed after my x-rays, my blood work, the doctor playing 20 questions and poking me all over the chest and abdomen, I started thinking about life...
I know, weird. But hey, when you're by yourself and it's 3 in the morning your mind tends to wander a little. I started thinking about my life and what it is as opposed to what I thought it'd be. Thinking about how my life couldn't possibly be any more different than I thought it'd be. For years and years I stood by my never wanting to get married and have kids. My goal was to play baseball until the wheels fell off and then move on to something I loved doing and enjoy just living. 23 years have passed, been married for 15 of it, have 4 boys.. I don't think I could have ended up at any further end of the spectrum. But who am I to question things? Would I change anything? No. Don't get me wrong I miss baseball. But I'm at a point now where I couldn't possibly imagine life being any other way. Is it stressful, hard, sometimes too much? Absolutely it is. But then there are times of bringing new life into this world (sometimes two at a time...), there are milestone anniversaries, there is overcoming odds and fighting against society norms of disposable marriages in a time where most would just walk away. There are first steps, first days of school, first ballgames, seeing them Christmas morning and rediscovering what Christmas felt like again as a child. There are first words spoken, unplanned moments of everything falling into place if only for a few hours where everyone is happy, everyone is having fun, there is no fighting, there is peace. And time slows down for those moments noticeably. And you become aware of your surroundings and see all this going on around you and how perfect it can be, and you can allow yourself to take a step back amidst all that is going on and just take it in and live in that moment. And know that it's all the crap, all the pain, hurt, and stress in life that leads you to those moments and allows you to enjoy those moments on a level that is special and unique because that's what those moments are, they're special, unique, and rare. But it's those moments that get you through life. It's those moments that offer you temporary amnesia from the real world, if only for that little while. But even though those times are fleeting and only last but a short period of time, isn't it amazing how that small period of peace and happiness can refuel you?
How that time where everything comes together perfectly can completely change your outlook on life, can take that pain, hurt, and stress and cast it away, reminding you of what is still good in life and what truly matters.
To me these moments are instantly burned into my memory. Moments like the entire family playing with bubbles in our driveway, seeing the kids laughing and chasing them around the yard. Moments like an impromptu picnic at a park by the lake, a day spent at Michigan Adventure where things just fall into place. The times are so simple and organic and you just know you're in a moment that will be remembered. And it would be easy to say "man, I wish it could be that way all the time.." And part of me does. But, I also know that if times were like that all the time you wouldn't appreciate them as much as you do those times are few and far between. It's those times in the few and far between that give you that perspective and ability to enjoy the perfect times so much more. So in that aspect I'm grateful for the times I go through. Do I wish they were a little less severe sometimes? Of course, but all you can do is play the hand you're dealt to the best of your ability and live life as it comes at you. This job, this depression, anxiety, it's part of who I am. But it is also plays a part in helping me to recognize the bigger picture and hang on.
That being said, my thought process after all this in the hospital was thinking about the people who mean the most to me in my life. People who throughout my life have stood by me throughout the good times and bad, who were there to pick me up and brush me off, or kick me in the butt when needed. I always thought life was about how many friends you had surrounding you. But the older I get the more I realize that it's much better to have a select group of friends who you have shared life with than a room full of acquaintances who are only there for you when it's best for them. I have a group of friends that I'm fortunate to say have been in my life for almost 20 years now. And I have a family that supports me and has been there for me through all this.
I'm not a big in your face, feelings kinda guy. I'll hug people and believe me that has taken some time to come around to doing. But I'm not one for open communication of feelings. It's just who I am. So what I would like use my blog for the next few entries to reach out and tell some people what they've meant to me, how they've impacted my life, and how thankful I am for them. This is by no means a slight against anyone who may or may not be mentioned. But in life there are certain people who play bigger roles and for that I'm grateful. There will be family and friends mentioned. And I haven't decided if I am going to do a series of short blogs and do one per. Or if I am going to do multiple people per blog. Either way my point behind this is life is short. I'm 40 years old... I was just 18 yesterday.. And bigger picture is that tomorrow is never guaranteed. And I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to leave this life and not have the people who impacted me most know that they did and how appreciative I am for them.
But for now I will wrap this up and start compiling a list and thinking about what it is that I want to say. Thank you all for reading, just by reading this you are showing me support and I am so grateful for that and for you. I'd like more feedback in the comments section but the numbers show me that you're there and reading and that is so awesome.
Until next time, keep reading...
Be Well,
Rob
Thursday, March 8, 2018
I'M STILL ALIVE..
I know it's been a minute since I've posted and I apologize. Something weird happens to me when it comes to writing. I do it in spurts. I get super motivated and go on a run and can hammer out blogs with no problem. Topics, subject matter, free writing, I don't seem to have a problem with getting them done. Then I go through stretches like I am now. I want to write but have no motivation, I just sit here look at the screen and then close my blog and go on to something else. I can't make myself write to save my life. And I want to, I definitely want to but something blocks me, that block turns to frustration, frustration leads to indifference, and I walk away. Usually with the thought that it's better to walk away than to put out something I feel is sub par and waste the time of whoever decides to read this.
That being said, I'm forcing myself to write tonight. I don't want to.... I mean, I do, but I have no topic, no structure, no direction and I'm struggling to keep the train on the tracks here. So I apologize and don't blame you for clicking that X in the upper right hand corner.
I'm still alive. I am still struggling with whatever this depression monster is. I have more good days than bad, and that to me is something. But I've noticed lately I'm bottoming out more quickly and I think that it's kind of a trade off. Instead of crashing hard, shutting down, and fighting all the thoughts and doubts, I just have a day where things feel very down, where I don't want to do anything, where I feel anxious about life. Then the next day it's fine. I'm not sure honestly which is worse but this way feels like it's a lot less damaging or severe. Upside is I haven't really had thoughts of suicide in awhile which is big. Downside, I'm killing myself anyway via stressing myself out. I don't do it intentionally and most times I don't realize I'm in the midst of a stress issue until my stomach starts hurting or I end up with a stress headache. I can see were people would turn to a substance to numb themselves but that isn't a route I will ever take.
Ever feel like you can't get a grip on life whatsoever? That's how I feel. It's like I have all these things I want to do, ways I want to help people, ways to make a difference, but I don't even know where to begin... And it is beyond frustrating because I feel like I was put here to make a difference
somehow and I am ready, willing, and waiting for whatever calling that may be. But my patience has never been a strong point with me. I want answers when I want them and I know that isn't how it works and it never has. When you were a kid and your parents told you to clean your room and you go and just stand in the middle of your room, look around, and not have a clue where to begin because it's so cluttered... That's how I feel. Like I'm standing in the middle of life, looking around, seeing everything I want to do before me, and not having a clue where to begin. And it's almost
paralyzing in that you can see all of it around you, it's right there in front of you, but you can't reach out and touch it, you can't get over to it to take care of it and make it happen. Perhaps I'm just a lost
cause destine to always have ideas but never get to make any of them come to fruition. And I'm not
ok with that, but what do you do? And I'm not playing the helpless victim role because I know that
I'm not a victim of anything other than my inability to set a course of action into motion. So what do I do? I am desperate for help, for guidance, for anything that will send me crashing through that glass ceiling that I keep hitting.
I'm still here, I'm still alive. One positive of this job that I work overnight is that it's brought a new appreciation for my family. I look forward to the times of seeing them more (not that I didn't before but it's a new level of appreciation). Sure the kids still can be a bit much sometimes, and the stress of life is still there, but seeing my 4yr old so happy to see me is pretty awesome, and it's made the time of putting him to bed that we spend together a little more meaningful, the other boys tend to act a little more excited when they ask if I have to work that night and I say no. And it's led to some more frequent games of family UNO. So there is some good that has come from this job.
I'm still hoping to land back on days at some point very soon. I am trying to keep the positives in focus and keep the big picture in perspective. Sometimes that's hard, like when you are facing three 13 hours shifts in a row and only getting 5 hours of sleep in between. Or when your 4 year old tells you that he doesn't want you to go to work. But I know ultimately it's for the best and that I'm actually contributing to the good of our family again.
Anyway, this blog wasn't done with any intention of laying down something memorable or meaningful really. More along the lines of forcing myself to sit down and write. To get that feeling of letting thoughts go from brain, to keyboard, to screen and see my thoughts appear on this blank white page. And I'll admit it feels good. I wish I had something more substantial to write about but maybe it's just about habit and showing myself it can still be done.. Even when I don't want to or maybe am not feeling it.
So with that I'm going to sign off for now and hopefully do this again within the next few days
and maybe stumble upon a topic, feeling, or something to write about.
Until next time..
Be Well,
Rob
That being said, I'm forcing myself to write tonight. I don't want to.... I mean, I do, but I have no topic, no structure, no direction and I'm struggling to keep the train on the tracks here. So I apologize and don't blame you for clicking that X in the upper right hand corner.
I'm still alive. I am still struggling with whatever this depression monster is. I have more good days than bad, and that to me is something. But I've noticed lately I'm bottoming out more quickly and I think that it's kind of a trade off. Instead of crashing hard, shutting down, and fighting all the thoughts and doubts, I just have a day where things feel very down, where I don't want to do anything, where I feel anxious about life. Then the next day it's fine. I'm not sure honestly which is worse but this way feels like it's a lot less damaging or severe. Upside is I haven't really had thoughts of suicide in awhile which is big. Downside, I'm killing myself anyway via stressing myself out. I don't do it intentionally and most times I don't realize I'm in the midst of a stress issue until my stomach starts hurting or I end up with a stress headache. I can see were people would turn to a substance to numb themselves but that isn't a route I will ever take.
Ever feel like you can't get a grip on life whatsoever? That's how I feel. It's like I have all these things I want to do, ways I want to help people, ways to make a difference, but I don't even know where to begin... And it is beyond frustrating because I feel like I was put here to make a difference
somehow and I am ready, willing, and waiting for whatever calling that may be. But my patience has never been a strong point with me. I want answers when I want them and I know that isn't how it works and it never has. When you were a kid and your parents told you to clean your room and you go and just stand in the middle of your room, look around, and not have a clue where to begin because it's so cluttered... That's how I feel. Like I'm standing in the middle of life, looking around, seeing everything I want to do before me, and not having a clue where to begin. And it's almost
paralyzing in that you can see all of it around you, it's right there in front of you, but you can't reach out and touch it, you can't get over to it to take care of it and make it happen. Perhaps I'm just a lost
cause destine to always have ideas but never get to make any of them come to fruition. And I'm not
ok with that, but what do you do? And I'm not playing the helpless victim role because I know that
I'm not a victim of anything other than my inability to set a course of action into motion. So what do I do? I am desperate for help, for guidance, for anything that will send me crashing through that glass ceiling that I keep hitting.
I'm still here, I'm still alive. One positive of this job that I work overnight is that it's brought a new appreciation for my family. I look forward to the times of seeing them more (not that I didn't before but it's a new level of appreciation). Sure the kids still can be a bit much sometimes, and the stress of life is still there, but seeing my 4yr old so happy to see me is pretty awesome, and it's made the time of putting him to bed that we spend together a little more meaningful, the other boys tend to act a little more excited when they ask if I have to work that night and I say no. And it's led to some more frequent games of family UNO. So there is some good that has come from this job.
I'm still hoping to land back on days at some point very soon. I am trying to keep the positives in focus and keep the big picture in perspective. Sometimes that's hard, like when you are facing three 13 hours shifts in a row and only getting 5 hours of sleep in between. Or when your 4 year old tells you that he doesn't want you to go to work. But I know ultimately it's for the best and that I'm actually contributing to the good of our family again.
Anyway, this blog wasn't done with any intention of laying down something memorable or meaningful really. More along the lines of forcing myself to sit down and write. To get that feeling of letting thoughts go from brain, to keyboard, to screen and see my thoughts appear on this blank white page. And I'll admit it feels good. I wish I had something more substantial to write about but maybe it's just about habit and showing myself it can still be done.. Even when I don't want to or maybe am not feeling it.
So with that I'm going to sign off for now and hopefully do this again within the next few days
and maybe stumble upon a topic, feeling, or something to write about.
Until next time..
Be Well,
Rob
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
SMELLS LIKE NOSTALGIA...
I will start off by saying Happy New Year! And I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas and if not Christmas, then a Happy insert holiday here!
That being said, I have blogged in the past about how big of an influence music is in my life. I could not live without it. It's amazing how it holds the key that unlocks so many memories for me. I'm sure there are others who are like me, but I can always tie a song or cd to a moment or period of time and that song will forever be linked to it. It's a very powerful thing for me. And there are songs that by all rights I should dislike because they're terrible but they've manage to adhere themselves to a memory and they become loved and held on to.
I've noticed as I get older that smells are also a way I'm remembering things. It's not quite as fun because a lot of the time it leads to frustration. I'll catch the scent of something and I KNOW I recognize it and I want so badly to place it but I just can't. And then some time later I will some how unearth that memory and I can't remember what the smell was that triggered it. Or maybe, I'm a headcase. I wouldn't rule that out either. Either way that too is a powerful trigger.
I had such a moment this past Sunday. And luckily for me it was very easily identified and welcomed at the same time. You see, I first attended my church when I was 14 back some time ago.
Shortly after I started going semi-regularly the church relocated to it's current location. And I can vividly remember walking into the church for the first time and thinking it had a unique smell. Not a bad smell mind you and not one I can even describe or compare to anything. But it was distinctive nonetheless. And I instantly tied that scent to our church and every time I walked in it would wash over me and there was a sense of comfort and almost a sense of being home. Over the years one of two things has probably happened.
1. I've grown older and my sense of smell has someone lessened.
or
2. I've grown accustom to the scent of my church having gone there regularly now for 12 or so years, and having worked there for about a 6 month period.
But this Sunday we arrived, and as usual I took the boys over to where they attend service and checked them in. Made my way across the commons and into the hallway leading to the sanctuary.
Then it happened, I walked through the doors of the sanctuary and it was like I walked right into a wall. Only the wall was that familiar scent that had hit me the first time I ever walked into the original sanctuary. And instantly I was taken back to being 14 or 15 and walking into the church for the first time. And I just wanted to stop and capture that scent and somehow keep it with me. I couldn't help but smile to myself, and that feeling of peace and being home again washed over me.
I couldn't tell you what caused that smell to all of a sudden come forward that day. I can't compare the smell to anything in the world. But it's the smell of home and peace. It's the smell of hope and contentment. It's a feeling I wish everyone could live in if for only 30 seconds, to see what it's truly like to feel no worries and to have that wave of happiness and feeling of home wash over you. It's a smell that I also selfishly wish I could have to myself anytime I needed that fix of feelings. But I know it doesn't work that way. Like I said, I don't know what caused it, where it came from, or why
it suddenly was there after so many years of being absent and forgotten about. But I'm glad it was.
After the rocky year 2017 turned out to be for me personally, it was a nice way to put this year to bed and end it on a note much better than the one it started on.
2017 was an eye opening year for me and one I am honestly glad to see end. I know that it's just a number and has no bearing on what your life is like or what you go through. But the changing of the number is symbolic in the renewing of hope, the hope that this new number/year will be better than the year before. That somehow the changing of the year will bring a change in luck, change in self, change in whatever it is you think needs changing. Me, there is a ton that needs to be worked on.
I'm still a mess, I still have more days that are down than are not. I still find myself from time to time wondering if I made a mistake in sticking around, because I still feel like the person who stands in the back of the room at a party. You don't really notice they are there, and you wouldn't notice if they weren't. And I assure you, I'm not fishing for compliments or sympathy, that's not how I am. I just figure I've been completely open and honest with you about all of this so far that I won't stop now.
It is uncomfortable to read I'm sure, I guess that it is by the way it's horribly uncomfortable to write and hear myself say it in my head. I don't like this person. And it's not multiple personalities, but it definitely is another side of me that I don't like. I don't like when that side visits unannounced, when it reminds you that nobody would care if you weren't around. And that in fact, some may be better off that way because they don't have you as a burden around their neck dragging them down with you. That you desperately want to be happy but that want is an itch that you can never ever manage to scratch. And worse just when you seem to get a pinpoint on that itch and go to scratch it, it relocates and the search begins all over again. I see others who have it together, and I want that. I want to matter, I want to make a difference, I want to help others desperately but I can't even help myself. It's that feeling of being a little kid and being told to clean your disaster of a room and not knowing where to start and you feel paralyzed by confusion and not knowing where to start or what to do. Yeah, that's me...
Anyway, sorry for the plummet this entry took. Not my intention. Hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year and I'll post again soon.
Until then, Be Well...
Rob
That being said, I have blogged in the past about how big of an influence music is in my life. I could not live without it. It's amazing how it holds the key that unlocks so many memories for me. I'm sure there are others who are like me, but I can always tie a song or cd to a moment or period of time and that song will forever be linked to it. It's a very powerful thing for me. And there are songs that by all rights I should dislike because they're terrible but they've manage to adhere themselves to a memory and they become loved and held on to.
I've noticed as I get older that smells are also a way I'm remembering things. It's not quite as fun because a lot of the time it leads to frustration. I'll catch the scent of something and I KNOW I recognize it and I want so badly to place it but I just can't. And then some time later I will some how unearth that memory and I can't remember what the smell was that triggered it. Or maybe, I'm a headcase. I wouldn't rule that out either. Either way that too is a powerful trigger.
I had such a moment this past Sunday. And luckily for me it was very easily identified and welcomed at the same time. You see, I first attended my church when I was 14 back some time ago.
Shortly after I started going semi-regularly the church relocated to it's current location. And I can vividly remember walking into the church for the first time and thinking it had a unique smell. Not a bad smell mind you and not one I can even describe or compare to anything. But it was distinctive nonetheless. And I instantly tied that scent to our church and every time I walked in it would wash over me and there was a sense of comfort and almost a sense of being home. Over the years one of two things has probably happened.
1. I've grown older and my sense of smell has someone lessened.
or
2. I've grown accustom to the scent of my church having gone there regularly now for 12 or so years, and having worked there for about a 6 month period.
But this Sunday we arrived, and as usual I took the boys over to where they attend service and checked them in. Made my way across the commons and into the hallway leading to the sanctuary.
Then it happened, I walked through the doors of the sanctuary and it was like I walked right into a wall. Only the wall was that familiar scent that had hit me the first time I ever walked into the original sanctuary. And instantly I was taken back to being 14 or 15 and walking into the church for the first time. And I just wanted to stop and capture that scent and somehow keep it with me. I couldn't help but smile to myself, and that feeling of peace and being home again washed over me.
I couldn't tell you what caused that smell to all of a sudden come forward that day. I can't compare the smell to anything in the world. But it's the smell of home and peace. It's the smell of hope and contentment. It's a feeling I wish everyone could live in if for only 30 seconds, to see what it's truly like to feel no worries and to have that wave of happiness and feeling of home wash over you. It's a smell that I also selfishly wish I could have to myself anytime I needed that fix of feelings. But I know it doesn't work that way. Like I said, I don't know what caused it, where it came from, or why
it suddenly was there after so many years of being absent and forgotten about. But I'm glad it was.
After the rocky year 2017 turned out to be for me personally, it was a nice way to put this year to bed and end it on a note much better than the one it started on.
2017 was an eye opening year for me and one I am honestly glad to see end. I know that it's just a number and has no bearing on what your life is like or what you go through. But the changing of the number is symbolic in the renewing of hope, the hope that this new number/year will be better than the year before. That somehow the changing of the year will bring a change in luck, change in self, change in whatever it is you think needs changing. Me, there is a ton that needs to be worked on.
I'm still a mess, I still have more days that are down than are not. I still find myself from time to time wondering if I made a mistake in sticking around, because I still feel like the person who stands in the back of the room at a party. You don't really notice they are there, and you wouldn't notice if they weren't. And I assure you, I'm not fishing for compliments or sympathy, that's not how I am. I just figure I've been completely open and honest with you about all of this so far that I won't stop now.
It is uncomfortable to read I'm sure, I guess that it is by the way it's horribly uncomfortable to write and hear myself say it in my head. I don't like this person. And it's not multiple personalities, but it definitely is another side of me that I don't like. I don't like when that side visits unannounced, when it reminds you that nobody would care if you weren't around. And that in fact, some may be better off that way because they don't have you as a burden around their neck dragging them down with you. That you desperately want to be happy but that want is an itch that you can never ever manage to scratch. And worse just when you seem to get a pinpoint on that itch and go to scratch it, it relocates and the search begins all over again. I see others who have it together, and I want that. I want to matter, I want to make a difference, I want to help others desperately but I can't even help myself. It's that feeling of being a little kid and being told to clean your disaster of a room and not knowing where to start and you feel paralyzed by confusion and not knowing where to start or what to do. Yeah, that's me...
Anyway, sorry for the plummet this entry took. Not my intention. Hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year and I'll post again soon.
Until then, Be Well...
Rob
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