Alright.... I've officially had it with spiders, house centipedes, and anything else that serves no purpose in the grand scheme of life... Yeah yeah, I know "spiders eat mosquitoes and other bugs, and House Centipedes eat the spiders..." But I wouldn't shed one single solitary tear if they all became extinct tomorrow... Allow me to share the traumatic and horrifying experience of my morning with you..
Hi, My name is Rob.. I am proof that God has a sense of humor... Let's start at the beginning of my day.. About 6:58am I wake up to the joyous sounds of my 2 year old in mid concert in his room. I glance at my alarm clock which is set for 7:20am and see that it says 6:58am. Just as he breaks into a rousing rendition of The Wiggles song Michael Finnegan... Stifling some anger at the thought of being brought out of a good sleep by The Wiggles, I stumble out of bed, get dressed, and head into Alex's room.. Where upon I look at him in the eye and say "really dude?" I'm met with an enthusiastic wave and a "Hi daddy, I waking up.." No kidding.... Get him up, get him dressed, and he's off to the races to the kitchen to see mama before she leaves for work. She leaves, I get the boys fed, finish getting them ready for school and send them out to the bus stop. Bub and I make our way to the front room for our morning ritual of watching the boys wait for the bus from the front room. I park it on the couch, coffee in hand and talk to Jonah through an open window. Bub is coloring on the floor.
Bus comes, boys board, they're off for the day. Bub wants to watch Wiggles which I am shocked to my very core about because it's ALL HE WATCHES... Whatever, it makes him happy.. I load up Hulu and fire up The Wiggles and he's in heaven. I figure this is the perfect opportunity to unload and reload the dishwasher, then do what dirty dishes there are on the counter.... God, He had other plans....
I unload and reload the dishwasher with no problem. I size up the dishes on the counter and figure they'll just take a few minutes to do. I fill the sink with soapy water, dump the dishes in and wash them without incident.. I pull the plug on sink and it drains... That's where God had some fun with me and I'm thinking it went something like this...
*From the point of view of God*
God - "Alright, what's on the agenda for this morning.... End hunger.... Eh... End homelessness and poverty.... Meh... Find a cure for all diseases..... Bah... OHHH LOOK!! Rob Gibson is doing dishes... Watch this.....
*With a wiggle of his finger God places a dime sized spider on the ceiling above me*
God - "This is gonna be hilarious.... Guys!! Guys!! Come here and watch this.. I'm gonna drop a spider on Rob Gibson and it's going to be hilarious.. There is a chance we may meet him shortly after but let's focus on the reaction and not the results..."
*God wiggles his finger again and the 8 legged creature of Satan slowly descends from the ceiling hovering 4 inches above my head...*
God - "Guys where should I drop it? His head? Shoulder? He would FREAK OUT!! Oh oh oh oh, I GOT IT!!! Let's drop it RIGHT ON HIS CHEEK!!!! "
* God slowly moves his finger and guides the spider onto my right cheek.. *
I without thinking lightly brush my cheek at the thought of a possible hair on my cheek.. Oh wait, I'm bald.. I brush my cheek again and into the sink flies a dime sized brown spider as I may or may not be jumping up and down and yelling things that God probably had not planned on me yelling... And I apologize for that. So as I swipe said spider into the sink I manage to yell "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!?" I don't know if that was meant for the spider or God.. Either way I got no response..
I watched that little spider running around the sink and decided that his unholy existence needed to be ended. I turn the water on and wash him down the drain, and for good measure turn on the garbage disposal in case he somehow managed to survive the wash down...
Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure God is up there rolling on the floor crying and replaying the whole thing over and over again for friends and family members of mine who are up there... Well played God... I knew you had a sense of humor, I mean look at the Giraffe or Duck-Billed Platypus... But I think He is also a bit of a practical joker....
Its not the first time He's got me with a spider... They like to drop from the bill of my hat while I'm driving and see if I'm actually willing to roll my car to kill it... They have run down my arm while I'm playing video games only to have me launch myself out of my chair shaking my arm like it's on fire and throwing the controller across the room like that will solve things.. And the best one was sitting on the floor one time reading a magazine., I felt something brush my leg and assumed it was my cat. I reach down to pet it... Nope... It was a quarter sized wolf spider... I immediately brush it onto the floor and proceed to Riverdance on it like my name was Michael Flatley.
I'm not much of a catch and release the spider kind of guy.. I'm a mash and destroy it's very existence type. The less there is left of him when I'm done the better I feel.
Now that I've sufficiently portrayed myself as a psychotic arachnophobic person I will sign off... I have recently re-tore my rotator cuff and have to head into physical therapy.
Until Next Time..
Be Well,
Rob Gibson
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
The World's Worst Tooth Fairy...
This portion of the story I will not allow my kids to read right away. But hopefully they’ll appreciate it down the road when they’re older… One of life's great moments is getting to play Santa, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy….
For the most part it takes next to zero talent to play any of these characters… There typically is no dress up, no interaction with kids, and no special talent needed.. Just the ability to be quiet and not a complete idiot.
I’m a pretty darn good Santa. OK, I don’t normally play Santa. That is usually left to the wife because she is particular about how presents are distributed and placed… I would be just as happy tossing them under the tree from 6 to 8 feet away and calling it good.. She strategically places gifts under the tree in such a way that they’ll get distributed Christmas morning in the order she wants them opened.. It’s quite a work of art really… Or maybe some lunacy and OCD but who is to say?
Easter… Again, that’s her.. She is particular about the setup of the baskets and how they’re displayed on the table for when the kids first discover them in the morning.. The more I think about it, the more I’m glad she does this.. Otherwise the kids would think Santa and the Easter Bunny suffer from some form of brain damage as they’d just throw stuff into the basket and under the tree with no rhyme or reason and it’d look horrible…
So my one job is to be Tooth Fairy… Not the worst job to be left right?? Wrong… You have to be part ninja in order to pull it off… First off, who ever decided putting the tooth under their pillow is an idiot.. Why set yourself up to have to disturb their sleep by jamming your hand under their pillow and rooting around for a tooth that could be anywhere? Then there is the fact that my 3 oldest sleep in a triple bunk bed that I built.. So when Jonah who sleeps on the top bunk loses a tooth, I have reach up to a height of probably 6’3” and try to fish around under a pillow…
This leads me to my story of being a complete failure of a Tooth Fairy…
Jonah had just lost a tooth and was very excited that the Tooth Fairy would be visiting that night… So bedtime comes and they get read to and I make my way back down stairs. We decide to wait a while until we are sure they’re asleep to make an attempt at the tooth…. Well… I completely forget and go to bed.. Sometime around 6:15 the next morning Jill wakes and asks me if I ever grabbed that tooth and put the money under the pillow…….. CRAP!!! I completely forgot… Now I have several factors working against me here..
It’s 6:15am, the boys may or may not be awake already…
I’m a pretty big dude walking on a floor that creaks when the wind blows let alone me trudging across it..
I have to reach up, under a headrest board, and under a pillow and try to find a tooth that could be anywhere due to him being a wild sleeper…
So, I head up and creak my way across the floor… No one is stirring so far.. I get to the head of Jonah’s bed and reach under his pillow and there is NO TOOTH!!! Now part of me hopes that there was really a Tooth Fairy and she came and got the tooth already… But the realist in me has come to grips with the fact that he has pushed it somewhere in the midst of this thrashing sleep..
So,I thrust my hand back under his pillow and slide it full length and finally find his tooth and pull it out… As I do Jonah sits bolt upright and rubs his eyes… Quickly I put the tooth in my pocket and stand there with the money in my hand like a complete idiot… Jonah turns around and leans over the railing and goes “hey dad, what’re you doing?” I’m so screwed… How do I explain this? I have 2 options… Option 1, I render him unconscious with a shot to the head.. Or 2, I come up with some story and pray he buys it…
So after what feels like 15 years of standing frozen I realize I have the money in my hand that I was going to put under his pillow… So here is what I came up with on the fly…
“Hey buddy, I was just coming upstairs to get you and Josh up for school and found this money laying on the floor… It must have fallen out from under your pillow last night after the Tooth Fairy was here….” I hand him the dollar bill and he says “thanks dad, good thing you found it or I might have never found it and thought the Tooth Fairy forgot to leave money.” My heartbeat was about 193 bmp at this point.. But he bought it!! So keeping in character with that story I say
“Well, glad I found it for you… Alright guys, let’s get up and moving for school…”
Holy crap…. Since that incident there have 2 other incidents of the Tooth Fairy forgetting to come…. Both my fault.. The first the boys got up and discovered the Tooth Fairy hadn’t come yet and was disappointed… I admit, I forgot to go up that night… So I told them.. Sometimes the Tooth Fairy is super busy and to think of all their friends who had teeth fall out and then think about all the kids in the world and there only being one fairy to cover the world… Sometimes she runs behind schedule.. Meanwhile, I had run upstairs while they were getting dressed downstairs and put the money under their pillow. Then came back down and told them to run up and check on last time before they went to school… And low and behold there would be money and they were beside themselves that the Tooth Fairy snuck in and out of the house while everyone was awake… Man I suck… Then I forgot about a week ago and this time Jill told them to go check one last time and she had run the money up there… OK, so maybe I’m not such a good Tooth Fairy… But hey, I have a lot working against me here…
So now, we have the boys leave their teeth on their bed posts instead of under their pillows… And I can just run up grab the tooth, drop the money on the bedpost and run like a lunatic across the room and downstairs before they wake up.
Who knew being a fictitious character could be so hard???
Until Next Time….
Be Well,
Rob Gibson
For the most part it takes next to zero talent to play any of these characters… There typically is no dress up, no interaction with kids, and no special talent needed.. Just the ability to be quiet and not a complete idiot.
I’m a pretty darn good Santa. OK, I don’t normally play Santa. That is usually left to the wife because she is particular about how presents are distributed and placed… I would be just as happy tossing them under the tree from 6 to 8 feet away and calling it good.. She strategically places gifts under the tree in such a way that they’ll get distributed Christmas morning in the order she wants them opened.. It’s quite a work of art really… Or maybe some lunacy and OCD but who is to say?
Easter… Again, that’s her.. She is particular about the setup of the baskets and how they’re displayed on the table for when the kids first discover them in the morning.. The more I think about it, the more I’m glad she does this.. Otherwise the kids would think Santa and the Easter Bunny suffer from some form of brain damage as they’d just throw stuff into the basket and under the tree with no rhyme or reason and it’d look horrible…
So my one job is to be Tooth Fairy… Not the worst job to be left right?? Wrong… You have to be part ninja in order to pull it off… First off, who ever decided putting the tooth under their pillow is an idiot.. Why set yourself up to have to disturb their sleep by jamming your hand under their pillow and rooting around for a tooth that could be anywhere? Then there is the fact that my 3 oldest sleep in a triple bunk bed that I built.. So when Jonah who sleeps on the top bunk loses a tooth, I have reach up to a height of probably 6’3” and try to fish around under a pillow…
This leads me to my story of being a complete failure of a Tooth Fairy…
Jonah had just lost a tooth and was very excited that the Tooth Fairy would be visiting that night… So bedtime comes and they get read to and I make my way back down stairs. We decide to wait a while until we are sure they’re asleep to make an attempt at the tooth…. Well… I completely forget and go to bed.. Sometime around 6:15 the next morning Jill wakes and asks me if I ever grabbed that tooth and put the money under the pillow…….. CRAP!!! I completely forgot… Now I have several factors working against me here..
It’s 6:15am, the boys may or may not be awake already…
I’m a pretty big dude walking on a floor that creaks when the wind blows let alone me trudging across it..
I have to reach up, under a headrest board, and under a pillow and try to find a tooth that could be anywhere due to him being a wild sleeper…
So, I head up and creak my way across the floor… No one is stirring so far.. I get to the head of Jonah’s bed and reach under his pillow and there is NO TOOTH!!! Now part of me hopes that there was really a Tooth Fairy and she came and got the tooth already… But the realist in me has come to grips with the fact that he has pushed it somewhere in the midst of this thrashing sleep..
So,I thrust my hand back under his pillow and slide it full length and finally find his tooth and pull it out… As I do Jonah sits bolt upright and rubs his eyes… Quickly I put the tooth in my pocket and stand there with the money in my hand like a complete idiot… Jonah turns around and leans over the railing and goes “hey dad, what’re you doing?” I’m so screwed… How do I explain this? I have 2 options… Option 1, I render him unconscious with a shot to the head.. Or 2, I come up with some story and pray he buys it…
So after what feels like 15 years of standing frozen I realize I have the money in my hand that I was going to put under his pillow… So here is what I came up with on the fly…
“Hey buddy, I was just coming upstairs to get you and Josh up for school and found this money laying on the floor… It must have fallen out from under your pillow last night after the Tooth Fairy was here….” I hand him the dollar bill and he says “thanks dad, good thing you found it or I might have never found it and thought the Tooth Fairy forgot to leave money.” My heartbeat was about 193 bmp at this point.. But he bought it!! So keeping in character with that story I say
“Well, glad I found it for you… Alright guys, let’s get up and moving for school…”
Holy crap…. Since that incident there have 2 other incidents of the Tooth Fairy forgetting to come…. Both my fault.. The first the boys got up and discovered the Tooth Fairy hadn’t come yet and was disappointed… I admit, I forgot to go up that night… So I told them.. Sometimes the Tooth Fairy is super busy and to think of all their friends who had teeth fall out and then think about all the kids in the world and there only being one fairy to cover the world… Sometimes she runs behind schedule.. Meanwhile, I had run upstairs while they were getting dressed downstairs and put the money under their pillow. Then came back down and told them to run up and check on last time before they went to school… And low and behold there would be money and they were beside themselves that the Tooth Fairy snuck in and out of the house while everyone was awake… Man I suck… Then I forgot about a week ago and this time Jill told them to go check one last time and she had run the money up there… OK, so maybe I’m not such a good Tooth Fairy… But hey, I have a lot working against me here…
So now, we have the boys leave their teeth on their bed posts instead of under their pillows… And I can just run up grab the tooth, drop the money on the bedpost and run like a lunatic across the room and downstairs before they wake up.
Who knew being a fictitious character could be so hard???
Until Next Time….
Be Well,
Rob Gibson
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