Ambivalence -The coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward a person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.
That seems to sum me up pretty well at the moment. It's been 2 weeks since I considered taking my own life and I felt it was time to update this. Whether it's for me, or for others reading, I'm not sure.
But I know it actually feels better to get this out and look it in the eyes and try to make heads or tails of it.
Two weeks have passed and a lot has happened. First things first, I had to switch medication already.
The medication they put me on was triggering migraines or near migraines and I felt almost worse.
So we are trying something new and so far it seems to be holding up. I don't feel any different so but I also know it takes a few weeks for it to work into my system.
The outpouring of support, prayer, kind words, shown by people has been nothing short of staggering to me. People have felt compelled to share their stories of battling depression and anxiety and it's helped me to see that I'm not isolated on an island with these feelings and in this battle. While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's reassuring to know that there are others who have and are going through this and that I can lean on them and vice versa.
The big question I've been asked, "How are you feeling?" My truthful answer, the same...
While I know that may sound disheartening it's the truth. It still feels very dark to me. I may not be as robotic or catatonic as I was a majority of the week after that Sunday night, but I still feel like I'm in a very deep hole and the light at the top is very small.
And that's the thing of it all. You just don't know. What appears to be may not, in reality, be the case... I may appear fine, I may joke with you, laugh, and seem like everything is fine. But someone I won't name shared with me that they struggle with depression, but have become good at masking it.
And I think over time, that is what I have done as well. I have become very well-versed in the art of appearing to be ok. I use humor to offset any possible indication that something might be wrong.
I deflect things with humor and sarcasm. I figure if I can make others laugh they won't see what lies beyond the humor. And don't get me wrong, I really do love to make others laugh. But, I also think I've learned to use it as a mask to hide how I'm feeling inside. It's like a duck on the water, on the surface he looks calm and in control of his world. But if you look under water, he's rapidly churning and paddling his legs and feet to keep things moving and looking calm on the surface.
That's the best way I can describe this. I may appear ok on the surface but inside I'm broken.
I will openly admit in the last 2 weeks I've had some pretty dark thoughts again. Not quite as strong as the previous, but kind of like a reminder that it's there still. The feeling of hopelessness has come and gone a few times. It's like a rollercoaster really. Some days I'll feel ok, and some days I bottom out.
I actually had someone message me on Facebook and call me selfish for considering suicide that night. So that was a new twist on all this. And yes, I will admit that in the moment you aren't thinking about anyone but yourself and how to stop the pain, stop the feelings of hopelessness and despair. So, yeah, I guess in that aspect I was being selfish. But you don't see it that way and you can't control how you feel either. In that moment you're looking for any way possible to feel relief, to feel that heaviness and feeling of being a burden lifted, and in some ways, you actually think in the long run you are doing them a favor by taking that burden off of them. A short period of sadness for the better of their long term life. That's just being dead honest. Those were the thoughts I wrestled with that night. Those were the pro's and cons that I was checking off in my head as I sat in a pitch-dark living room. I never contemplated the way I would commit suicide. I did for several hours sit there and weigh out if it would be for the better if my family would be better off, how much of a burden I really was/am to them, how good of a father could I be when I feel this way and is it noticeable to them? The farthest I let my thoughts of suicide go was that I decided if I were to do it, I would leave my home to do so. And there were reasons for that. That to me in retrospect is a lot farther than I first thought I let it get. Am I proud of this? Not at all, I'm ashamed. I feel selfish, was that person right?
But on the flip side, it's honest, it's how I felt that night, it's still there in some ways still. It's very raw, very scary, and very dark. I've had a few people from friends to doctors ask if I felt like I was a threat to myself. I usually quickly dismiss this with a no and a chuckle. I don't feel like I am, but the thoughts are still there and the hopelessness comes and goes. I've been leaning on the support of friends and family. I'm very grateful for them both. My family has been very supportive and understanding. And I'm trying my best not to burden them with this as much as possible.
One day at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other... That's kind of how I'm looking at things. And it's helped honestly.
I'm broken, I wear a mask so others can't see what I'm feeling. But I hope in these last 3 blogs you've seen that mask come off. What you see and read is very exposing, real, and sometimes hard to type. I've hit the backspace button on this laptop more times than I care to mention. I've had a shocking number of people tell me what I wrote took courage and that I was strong for doing so. While I appreciate that, I don't see it as courageous or strong. I see it as being honest about what is happening to me. Not knowing what else to do with these feelings other than getting them out and on this blog so that I'm not bottling them up. But if someone can read this, and realize they're not alone the way I've felt after having so many share their struggles with me, then some good can come of this I suppose.
They say God never gives you more than you can handle... I'm holding on to that as I struggle to handle this. I trust that there is something to be learned in all of this or that somehow this part of my life is leading to something or somewhere He wants me to be, learn, or do. What that is, remains to be seen.
Until then, I will go a step at a time, a day at a time. And keep writing here in the hopes that plan reveals itself...
Until next time....
Be Well..
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
The Struggle...
Dark thoughts fill the spaces of my mind,
making happiness and laughter hard to find.
The weight on my chest, the feeling of despair,
The thought of no pain, suicide is there...
Knocking on the door like a welcome old friend,
offering you a solution if you only let him in.
The pain will be gone, your trouble will be through,
just listen to me friend, I'll show you what to do...
They won't miss you much, they'll be better off in the long run,
you have plenty of options to choose from, rope, car, pills, or gun...
There's no time like the present, no better time than now,
don't stop to think this over, don't think too much about how...
Pull the trigger, tie the knot, don't think, just do,
I'm your friend remember, I'm just trying to help you...
Do you want to live in pain, is life fun when you're depressed?
Do you like not being happy, do you like always being stressed?
I'm here to help you, friend, I promise to make it all go away,
Just lean on me brother, let me show you the way...
Take my hand, do not be afraid, everything is going to be alright,
I'm here for you to lean on, you no longer have to fight..
You're tired, I see this, you've been fighting for so long,
You're weakening, your defenses are failing, you no longer have to be strong.
Just embrace me, don't cry, I promise everything will be ok.
It will be all over before you know it, all you have to do friend, is let me show you the way....
This is kind of a snippet into what the struggle looked like to me in my head when I thought about suicide. Pain, stress, fear, all very real, all sitting on your chest like an elephant. And then there is an escape, maybe not the best way to escape but a way out nonetheless. And that weight can be so heavy, so overpowering, that any escape can look very tempting. And it's like the cartoons you watched as a child, angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other, both vying for your attention. Only you don't hear the angel. You only hear the devil offering you an easy solution. That's just what it felt like to me anyway. I'm sure everyone has different experiences. I can only write to mine. I know this is very dark and for that, I do apologize. But, it's where I'm at right now. Am I suicidal right now or having thoughts of it? No, I have a game plan set forth by doctors, and the support of family and friends who have taken the time to show me, love and support. And for you all, I am forever grateful and forever in debt to you for your kinds words and support.
I'm still not in a good place. It's still very dark. But there is a glimmer of light in the distance and I will get there.
Until Next Time...
Be Well...
making happiness and laughter hard to find.
The weight on my chest, the feeling of despair,
The thought of no pain, suicide is there...
Knocking on the door like a welcome old friend,
offering you a solution if you only let him in.
The pain will be gone, your trouble will be through,
just listen to me friend, I'll show you what to do...
They won't miss you much, they'll be better off in the long run,
you have plenty of options to choose from, rope, car, pills, or gun...
There's no time like the present, no better time than now,
don't stop to think this over, don't think too much about how...
Pull the trigger, tie the knot, don't think, just do,
I'm your friend remember, I'm just trying to help you...
Do you want to live in pain, is life fun when you're depressed?
Do you like not being happy, do you like always being stressed?
I'm here to help you, friend, I promise to make it all go away,
Just lean on me brother, let me show you the way...
Take my hand, do not be afraid, everything is going to be alright,
I'm here for you to lean on, you no longer have to fight..
You're tired, I see this, you've been fighting for so long,
You're weakening, your defenses are failing, you no longer have to be strong.
Just embrace me, don't cry, I promise everything will be ok.
It will be all over before you know it, all you have to do friend, is let me show you the way....
This is kind of a snippet into what the struggle looked like to me in my head when I thought about suicide. Pain, stress, fear, all very real, all sitting on your chest like an elephant. And then there is an escape, maybe not the best way to escape but a way out nonetheless. And that weight can be so heavy, so overpowering, that any escape can look very tempting. And it's like the cartoons you watched as a child, angel on one shoulder, the devil on the other, both vying for your attention. Only you don't hear the angel. You only hear the devil offering you an easy solution. That's just what it felt like to me anyway. I'm sure everyone has different experiences. I can only write to mine. I know this is very dark and for that, I do apologize. But, it's where I'm at right now. Am I suicidal right now or having thoughts of it? No, I have a game plan set forth by doctors, and the support of family and friends who have taken the time to show me, love and support. And for you all, I am forever grateful and forever in debt to you for your kinds words and support.
I'm still not in a good place. It's still very dark. But there is a glimmer of light in the distance and I will get there.
Until Next Time...
Be Well...
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Broken...
I know it's been awhile. And I know I usually write with a certain humor and/or sarcasm. But this one is going to be different. I'm not feeling very funny right now and I'll explain that as I go.
Depression is a strange animal, in that it can lay dormant for awhile, maybe poking its head up briefly just to remind you that it's still there. But then disappearing again just as quickly, giving you the illusion that you can control it. You can't.. That may not be profound, it may not be news to anyone who has dealt with depression. But, I just found this out the hard way and it's not a fun realization to come to. It's harsh, it's scary, and it hurts like you wouldn't believe..
I have probably dealt with depression in one form or another for many years. Once I was put on Zoloft and took it for about a year. Then decided I didn't need it because I had it under control, or so I thought. It as I said would pop up here and there and I'd write it off as being in a "funk" or just being down. And soon it'would fade and I'd return to some form of normal. This has gone on for about 10 years and I thought it was something everyone went through.
Until Sunday. Sunday I realized how deep depression can truly get. I won't get into the logistics of what happened or could have contributed to this but it's been a combination of a lot of things over a period of time and this last one was what set things into motion. I have never felt such a feeling of hopelessness in my life. To the point where even when surrounded by others you still feel like you're completely alone. And then everyone goes to bed and you find yourself literally alone with your thoughts and it's not a nice place to be. Thoughts like if everyone woke up tomorrow, would they even notice if I were gone? The world will go on, people will still go to work, the sun will still come up, birds will still sing. Yes, some people might be sad but probably not for long. Would they be better off without me as a burden to them? Would a little pain in the interim mean less pain in the long run for not having to deal with my depression and all that it brings? What kind of example am I for my kids if I can't even function properly? Would ending it really be a release into being pain-free?
If that isn't paint by numbers clear enough to figure out what I'm referring to I'll lay it on the table for you. Sunday night I had thoughts of taking my own life. As I type this the tears sting my eyes because it's all very fresh still and not like anything I've ever felt or want to feel again. It scared me.
I didn't get to the point of planning it or thinking about how I could do it. I wouldn't let it get that far. But the question was there, it was thought about seriously and pro's and cons were weighed as to what the end result would be and how it would impact others. But at that point, you don't care, you only think about how you're negatively impacting others by being a burden. I'd like to think I couldn't go through with it because of my family right? But if I'm entertaining the thought of it despite their being around then there's got to be something to it right? And I love my family, I truly do. By all definition I have a pretty good life, I have a beautiful family, we have a house, jobs, cars, we may not be rich but we get by. But still, something managed to get into my head and make me wonder if all that would be better off without me. And I feel so selfish for those thoughts but I couldn't control them. It was like ping-pong balls bouncing around in my head. And I felt broken... Completely broken and I can't even begin to describe what it was that was broken, but something was and is wrong.
And I get it now. As someone who vehemently hates suicide, I get it totally... Do I condone it? Never, but I get why people go that route. Because when you get to that point and you hit that low that you didn't think was possible you look for the way to take that pain away. You look for the way to not be a burden to others because you feel broken. Because you feel that heaviness of depression and you don't want to watch others be brought down by it. Is it heroic? No. But I was once one of those people who would call someone who commits suicide a coward. I would say they took the easy way out and that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But you know what? Depression isn't temporary... I have known many people who have committed suicide in my life, I've known others who have tried and failed. And the ones that were successful, I always wondered what their mindset was leading into that decision to take their life. And while I did not attempt to take my life, I can say I understand a little bit more of what it must have been like and it is absolutely terrifying. And maybe they didn't have that beautiful family to ground them, maybe they didn't have the courage to admit there was something wrong ( and I am by no means courageous), maybe they couldn't get past the feeling that they were bringing others down and were a burden to life and all around them. I get it... I don't know what snapped me out of it. God? My family? I don't know. But something kept me from going to that next step and I'm thankful for that.
Today I broke at work. Just lost it entirely. Could not for the life of me get it together. So with the help of a supervisor who was a great help to me. We took the steps necessary to get me some help.
Do I still feel broken? Completely. I feel ashamed for feeling this way. Like I should be a grown-up and not feel this way. Like I'm being difficult. But I went to see my personal doctor as well and we talked for about 45 minutes and I was a mess. That seems to be a fun part of this bout is losing it at the drop of a hat... And I am willing to try medication again.
There is a stigma attached to admitting you have a problem with depression and taking medication, and that you've thought about taking your own life. Maybe that stigma is self-induced. But I feel broken like there is something wrong with me that makes me different from others and not in a good way. Like people will judge me for feeling like I wanted to harm myself, for having to take medication for it, for being so depressed you don't know which way is up anymore. And that is something I'm going to have to work through with the help of a professional. I've learned the hard way this isn't something you can just "ride out" and hope it goes away. I never in a million years would think I could ever possibly reach this point. But here I am.
So here I am.. Completely exposed... I'm not quite sure why I decided to share this but something in me felt compelled to. Maybe to some, it will answer questions about me and why I've been a certain way. Maybe it was for my own personal record to remind myself that no matter who you are, depression can impact you. I don't know.
I have a road ahead of me that I hope is going to be different. I hope to get something out of my
sessions with a counselor. And I'm grateful for the words, support, and prayer of my family and friends. I have too much to live for I know this. But I've learned that even knowing that doesn't stop depression from making you doubt it. I'm sorry for the length and heaviness of this post. It's not the best way to end a hiatus from writing, but it's who I am right now.
Here's to better days...
Until Next Time...
Be Well..
Depression is a strange animal, in that it can lay dormant for awhile, maybe poking its head up briefly just to remind you that it's still there. But then disappearing again just as quickly, giving you the illusion that you can control it. You can't.. That may not be profound, it may not be news to anyone who has dealt with depression. But, I just found this out the hard way and it's not a fun realization to come to. It's harsh, it's scary, and it hurts like you wouldn't believe..
I have probably dealt with depression in one form or another for many years. Once I was put on Zoloft and took it for about a year. Then decided I didn't need it because I had it under control, or so I thought. It as I said would pop up here and there and I'd write it off as being in a "funk" or just being down. And soon it'would fade and I'd return to some form of normal. This has gone on for about 10 years and I thought it was something everyone went through.
Until Sunday. Sunday I realized how deep depression can truly get. I won't get into the logistics of what happened or could have contributed to this but it's been a combination of a lot of things over a period of time and this last one was what set things into motion. I have never felt such a feeling of hopelessness in my life. To the point where even when surrounded by others you still feel like you're completely alone. And then everyone goes to bed and you find yourself literally alone with your thoughts and it's not a nice place to be. Thoughts like if everyone woke up tomorrow, would they even notice if I were gone? The world will go on, people will still go to work, the sun will still come up, birds will still sing. Yes, some people might be sad but probably not for long. Would they be better off without me as a burden to them? Would a little pain in the interim mean less pain in the long run for not having to deal with my depression and all that it brings? What kind of example am I for my kids if I can't even function properly? Would ending it really be a release into being pain-free?
If that isn't paint by numbers clear enough to figure out what I'm referring to I'll lay it on the table for you. Sunday night I had thoughts of taking my own life. As I type this the tears sting my eyes because it's all very fresh still and not like anything I've ever felt or want to feel again. It scared me.
I didn't get to the point of planning it or thinking about how I could do it. I wouldn't let it get that far. But the question was there, it was thought about seriously and pro's and cons were weighed as to what the end result would be and how it would impact others. But at that point, you don't care, you only think about how you're negatively impacting others by being a burden. I'd like to think I couldn't go through with it because of my family right? But if I'm entertaining the thought of it despite their being around then there's got to be something to it right? And I love my family, I truly do. By all definition I have a pretty good life, I have a beautiful family, we have a house, jobs, cars, we may not be rich but we get by. But still, something managed to get into my head and make me wonder if all that would be better off without me. And I feel so selfish for those thoughts but I couldn't control them. It was like ping-pong balls bouncing around in my head. And I felt broken... Completely broken and I can't even begin to describe what it was that was broken, but something was and is wrong.
And I get it now. As someone who vehemently hates suicide, I get it totally... Do I condone it? Never, but I get why people go that route. Because when you get to that point and you hit that low that you didn't think was possible you look for the way to take that pain away. You look for the way to not be a burden to others because you feel broken. Because you feel that heaviness of depression and you don't want to watch others be brought down by it. Is it heroic? No. But I was once one of those people who would call someone who commits suicide a coward. I would say they took the easy way out and that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But you know what? Depression isn't temporary... I have known many people who have committed suicide in my life, I've known others who have tried and failed. And the ones that were successful, I always wondered what their mindset was leading into that decision to take their life. And while I did not attempt to take my life, I can say I understand a little bit more of what it must have been like and it is absolutely terrifying. And maybe they didn't have that beautiful family to ground them, maybe they didn't have the courage to admit there was something wrong ( and I am by no means courageous), maybe they couldn't get past the feeling that they were bringing others down and were a burden to life and all around them. I get it... I don't know what snapped me out of it. God? My family? I don't know. But something kept me from going to that next step and I'm thankful for that.
Today I broke at work. Just lost it entirely. Could not for the life of me get it together. So with the help of a supervisor who was a great help to me. We took the steps necessary to get me some help.
Do I still feel broken? Completely. I feel ashamed for feeling this way. Like I should be a grown-up and not feel this way. Like I'm being difficult. But I went to see my personal doctor as well and we talked for about 45 minutes and I was a mess. That seems to be a fun part of this bout is losing it at the drop of a hat... And I am willing to try medication again.
There is a stigma attached to admitting you have a problem with depression and taking medication, and that you've thought about taking your own life. Maybe that stigma is self-induced. But I feel broken like there is something wrong with me that makes me different from others and not in a good way. Like people will judge me for feeling like I wanted to harm myself, for having to take medication for it, for being so depressed you don't know which way is up anymore. And that is something I'm going to have to work through with the help of a professional. I've learned the hard way this isn't something you can just "ride out" and hope it goes away. I never in a million years would think I could ever possibly reach this point. But here I am.
So here I am.. Completely exposed... I'm not quite sure why I decided to share this but something in me felt compelled to. Maybe to some, it will answer questions about me and why I've been a certain way. Maybe it was for my own personal record to remind myself that no matter who you are, depression can impact you. I don't know.
I have a road ahead of me that I hope is going to be different. I hope to get something out of my
sessions with a counselor. And I'm grateful for the words, support, and prayer of my family and friends. I have too much to live for I know this. But I've learned that even knowing that doesn't stop depression from making you doubt it. I'm sorry for the length and heaviness of this post. It's not the best way to end a hiatus from writing, but it's who I am right now.
Here's to better days...
Until Next Time...
Be Well..
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