I Wanna Be Sedated.....

Most of you know this title as a song from The Ramones..    This title however, takes on a little more meaning for me.  As you all know by now, I have four boys.   I love them to death, I would die for any one of them without thinking twice.   That being said, I don't ever ever ever want any more kids....   Four is more than enough for me.   With that in mind, allow me to over share with you people for awhile.  Allow me to take you on a journey...  One of shame....  One of pain....   One of over exposure....   I am of course referring to the fact I recently had a vasectomy..

The decision to have this procedure done, was one that was made simple by the fact that I have four boys....  As I said, I love them to death..  But I'm also pretty sure that they will in fact be the death of me..    They fight constantly, they scream constantly, someone is always crying, and I think I've personally watched more punches traded than in any 5 UFC matches you could pick out of a hat...  Also, by having this procedure done, we hope to quell the question asked most to us............  "So are you guys going to try for a girl??"   This question is asked more frequently than I care to mention.   At first, I thought the people asking this question were joking.   I mean, you DO see three of the four of our demons running around terrorizing whatever place we happen to be at don't you?  So when I would hear this question I would instantly laugh out of the sheer ridiculousness of it.   Then I'd notice the person asking the question staring at me like a deer about to get plowed by a car.   Like I was the crazy person for laughing at such a question.  Fighting the urge to grab this person by the collar, get an inch from their face, and scream  "Do you NOT see these four kids??????   They're trying to kill me...  I know they all look innocent....  I know they all are extremely cute...  But it's part of their plan!!!   They plot on me on a daily basis to slowly but surely drain the life out of me... And YOU have the nerve to ask if we're going to try for a girl?!?!?!?!   See the baby??  HE WAS TRYING FOR A GIRL!!!  I don't make girls apparently...  You'd have thought I'd have learned that after the identical twins that I was destined to have all boys...   But noooooo, I thought hey, the twins were a fluke maybe there's a girl in there somewhere...   WRONG...  Another boy...  And the biggest one yet.... If we were to try for a girl ma'am,  we'd most likely end up with a walking, talking toddler who is in fact ANOTHER BOY...  So NO we will NOT be trying for a girl...."     But alas, I don't...  I swallow that rant, smile politely and say "Noo noo, I think we're done..."     And you would be surprised at the number of people who continue to push after that answer.   "Ohhhh come on...  What's one more???"     Ohhh I don't know,  the final nail in my coffin??   The straw that breaks the camel's back when it comes to my sanity???     Not to mention send us directly into poverty, because I'm not sure if you're aware, but kids are expensive...

So all that being said, the decision was made to have the vasectomy done.   Mind you, I wasn't exactly clapping like a mentally deranged seal at the idea.   I know several guys who won't have it done due to fear.  So to say I was looking forward to this is not even close to the truth.  So I call up a local urologist and set up an appointment for a consultation.   The day comes for the consultation and I'm a little on edge because I have NO idea what is going to happen.   I mean, I know I'm not going to walk in and have them tackle me in the doorway and do the procedure right then and there, but I still am on edge.   They call me back, take me to my room, and tell me to have a seat in the comfy chair.  Ok, not so bad...   A nice nurse comes in, takes my vitals and takes out a DVD.   She looks at me and says "I hope you like cheesy 80's videos, because you're about to sit through 12 minutes of it and it's horrible."   I like her...    So she pops it in, turns it up, and starts walking out the door and says  "When it's over, open the door so I know you've watched it, that or I'll hear the laughing coming from the room."  

The video was every bit as awful as said it'd be.  It starts off with this dude who I'm pretty sure was the head of Cobra Kai in Karate Kid grilling on his deck.  He's wearing these shorts that even Richard Simmons would probably say were too short and a polo shirt with loafers...  I am by no means a man of fashion but the least of this man's concerns should have been having a vasectomy..  His dressing that way should be birth control enough...  So he's grilling and there's an inner monologue running as he watches his wife and kids swimming, he says "I love my wife and kids, but we have 2 kids and that's more than enough for me, but I love my wife and so maybe it's time we do something to make sure we don't have any more children."
At this point I want to travel back in time and punch this guy in the baby maker for dressing like that, and for whining about having two kids..  Sir, we had two at once, quit your whining and put on some pants..
So after talking to his wife, they decide to have the vasectomy.   Cut to the doctor's office,  they're sitting there and the doctor has just finished explaining the procedure, the guy is no longer smiling, and the doctor asks if he has any questions..   The greatest moment in this video then takes place...   The guy looks all sheepish, clears his throat, and asks......   "By having this procedure done, it won't make me any less of a man will it????"     And he looks as if he's about to cry.    I literally laughed out loud in this room, by myself....    I wanted so badly for the doctor to say,  "well sir, you may find yourself becoming more and more attracted to the male form.... You may even develop a lisp, an affinity for sundresses, and a new found love for all things Judy Garland...."     And just watch the guy come unhinged...   I mean seriously,  people are afraid of that when it comes to vasectomy's?  Personally, I was afraid of the pain..   Anyway, so the video mercifully comes to an end.   The nurse walks in and says "awful huh?  If my husband dressed like that he'd be lucky to have two kids.."   Again, I like her...

So she tells me to sit tight and that the doctor would be in shortly.   Ok, no problem..   Doctor comes in, hands me paperwork,  we set up the day and time for the procedure, she explains what could possibly go wrong then she stops and starts writing on her pad.   I'm thinking "hey, this wasn't so bad.."     Wrong....   She turns around and says "ok, drop your pants and what not to your ankles."    The horror....  The sheer, uncomfortable, violating horror....   After an "exam", she says "ok good to go.."    I just lay there and cry softly to myself.  I get up, dressed and follow her out of the room.   We head down the hall, she drops me at the desk, goes into her office and starts typing on her laptop when it dawns on me...  SHE NEVER WASHED HER HANDS!!!!    So the shame of my visit has turned to disgust and amazement at how gross this lady is...  I quickly get my prescriptions, get my card with my date and time on it and run out of there as quickly as possible before she starts eating something....

Day of the procedure comes..  I take my one Valium and one Norco that put me on goofy street.  We head in, they almost immediately call me back.  I strip down, but am allowed to leave my socks on, because that will save my dignity..  I lay on the table and pull the cover over me.   Doctor comes in and he is wearing gloves.  I feel somewhat better.   He grabs this contraption and says "this is to numb you locally, it's going to feel like a series of rubber bands snapping your genitals.."    Yes, because that's a normal Wednesday hobby of mine....  He says it like it's a normal occurrence to snap oneself with a rubber band in an area that is meant to be treated nicely....  Psycho...    So he starts and he's dead on accurate...  He does about 4 to 6 on each side and after the first three you don't really feel it.  But those first three are terrible...  After that, I honestly don't remember much..  The drugs must have really kicked in.  I do remember the smell of burning as he cauterized the area.  But that is really about it.  All in all I was in and out in about 45 minutes to an hour..

I slept the rest of the day pretty much.  The next 48 hours the pain set in and was pretty bad.  So I spent it taking pain killers and sleeping.  But the pain really took off after that.  There are no words to describe the pain other than it's like you step out of bed and a horse kicks you in your business....  You pretty much want to fall over and die right there.  A lot of ice,  a lot of pain killers.   We are 15 days out right now from having it done and I'm still experiencing some pain.  Especially when certain infants kick me there while I'm feeding them, causing me to react by yelling out in pain, which in turn, causes the baby to cry...  I can't win....

I love them to death...  But they're constant reminders that I made the right decision.  I would never tell a guy to NOT have it done.  But, I will be honest when I tell them it's not a lot of fun, it does in fact hurt quite a bit, and you'll hate life for the first week after.   But there is also some relief in the finality of it all, knowing there will be no more babies.  I'm ready to move on to the stage of watching my four boys grow up, which they're doing quickly.

Anyway, so there you have it...  Thank for allowing me to over share with you for a few minutes...  Hopefully it wasn't too graphic for you.  


Until Next Time,
Be Well.......

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, Turn and face the strange...

Was of course a lyric from David Bowie's song "Changes"..    But the meaning of the word changes was brought close to home recently by Caleb.  Allow me to fill you in and share my horror with you...

Caleb is in 4th grade now, he just turned 10 years old.  He's gotta be pushing just under 5ft tall and he's starting to not look like such a little kid anymore.    Well, he comes home one day about a month ago with a packet that he says I need to sign and send back with him.  Ok, no biggie, he has these all the time.   Then he says the words that freeze me dead in my tracks... "It's about sex ed..."   So, after my heart beat regulated and I could see straight again, I took said packet from him and told him I'd look it over and get it to him in a few minutes.   The packet was an outline of the sex ed classes the school was going to conduct, what it was going to cover, and how we should prepare ourselves for the fall out of the dumpster fire they're about to start....

I was somewhat relieved to see that his school was primarily going to be focusing on puberty and what it entails, how the body changes, what they can expect to happen, etc..     The Jr. High kids would be tackling how babies are made, where they come from, and what they can do to lower teen pregnancy.   We never had sex education in my school growing up.  I have mentioned this to several people who all in turn look at me like I'm Michael Vick applying for a job as a dog show judge..    Apparently I'm the odd man out in this situation and most other schools offered Sex Ed to their students...    Anyway,  so I read this paper and it's uncomfortable.  Not because of what it says so much, but because I knew this time in his life was coming and he is the type of kid to ask the questions I never would've at his age.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's a flaw,  I'm glad he's comfortable enough to ask these questions.  Just there are times where I wish I wasn't the one fielding them.    So I sign the paper saying he can participate in this class because we feel it will be to his benefit to know what's coming down the road.

So the dates come and go that the classes are supposed to take place.  I'm expecting him to come home with questions and am mentally prepping myself for this, giving myself this mental pep talk, psyching myself up..   But days go by with no word from him.  I took the approach if he has questions he will come to me with them.  I didn't want to bombard him or share things with him he wasn't ready to hear.  So I figured he'd hit me with whatever his 10 year old brain could come up with.  But nothing....  So I figured either he's too embarrassed to ask me anything, or, the school did a really good job of explaining things.  So I let it ride until.........   2 weeks later.........

It's 11:30 pm, he goes to bed about 8:30 pm.   Everyone is in bed, I'm enjoying my quiet time watching a documentary on Netflix.   I hear rustling in the kitchen, not unusual, Caleb will come down and get drinks sometimes, then pop into the living room to tell me good night.   So per usual he walks into the living room.  This time he sits down on the couch in front of me.  After about 2 minutes of being silent, he turns to me and says "You know that class I took at school?"   I say "yeah".   He says "do you mind if I ask you some questions that I have about it??"   In my head instantly I scream NOOOOOOOOOO!   Like Vader below.

But, knowing it's my duty as a father, I tell him "sure, what'cha got?"   My mind is going a million miles per hour because this kid is very intelligent and can come up with great questions.  He excuses himself to go grab the paper that he brought home outlining what all they covered.  He sits down by me on the couch and looks at it.  The following conversation takes place...

Caleb: They gave us this paper, it has a list of things on it that we could experience.  Do you mind if I run through them?  I mean, you're pretty much the only guy that I'm around all the time so I figured you'd be a good one to review this with in case I have any questions..

Me: (feeling somewhat relieved)  So you just want to review it?  Do you have any questions before we begin?

Caleb: Nope, no questions.  But I want to make sure. 

Me: Ok, shoot.

Caleb:  Here is the checklist of what I may experience (mind you he JUST turned 10 and in my opinion isn't really experiencing any of them yet.)

Moodiness - Yes, I've been moody.

Wanting Independence - I definitely want my independence.

Crushes - Yeah, I have had crushes.

(then comes my favorite thing ever, one of the greatest things he's ever said)

Hair Growth -  (he rubs his head)  Well, you just cut my hair and it's still short so I would say that my hair isn't growing that quickly....

(at this point I am DYING on the inside...  I don't have the heart to tell him that it's not quite what they meant, so I let it go and file that away mentally for later)

Me:  That's the list, do you have any questions on what will happen or anything about what you learned?

Caleb: No, I'm comfortable with everything.  I just wanted to go over it all to see if any new questions popped up.

(at this point it feels like an elephant has been lifted off my chest.)

Caleb:  Well, I do have one question that is somewhat unrelated.

Me:  alright, shoot.

Caleb: Where do babies come from and how are they made?

Me: Uhhhhhhhhh...  What?????????

Caleb:  Babies, I've always wanted to know where they come from and how they're made.

(At this point I would've rather him just walk over to me and slap me across the face)

Me:  Well buddy.....(awkward silence)......This is probably something your mother and I should discuss and then come back to you about.  (In my defense it does say to do that on his paperwork)   So what I'll do is talk to your mom about it, figure out how we want to approach the subject, and sit down with you and talk it out ok?

Caleb: Good idea dad, I think mom may know more about it than you after all she's had 4 babies..

Me: You're probably right..

So.. That was pretty awful and awkward.  I know she and I are going to have to tackle this subject soon because he's not the type to forget.  Luckily he's on vacation this week.  We figure we'll let him ask questions about what he wants to know so as to not over explain things, or tell him things he's not ready to hear.  Either way this should be interesting.  

And to think, we get to go through this 3 more times!!!  

A belated Happy Fathers Day to all you dad's out there!!  

Until Next time,

  Be Well....