Behind The Mask....

Ambivalence -The coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward a person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

That seems to sum me up pretty well at the moment.  It's been 2 weeks since I considered taking my own life and I felt it was time to update this.  Whether it's for me, or for others reading, I'm not sure.
But I know it actually feels better to get this out and look it in the eyes and try to make heads or tails of it.

Two weeks have passed and a lot has happened.  First things first, I had to switch medication already.
The medication they put me on was triggering migraines or near migraines and I felt almost worse.
So we are trying something new and so far it seems to be holding up.  I don't feel any different so but I also know it takes a few weeks for it to work into my system.

The outpouring of support, prayer, kind words, shown by people has been nothing short of staggering to me.  People have felt compelled to share their stories of battling depression and anxiety and it's helped me to see that I'm not isolated on an island with these feelings and in this battle.  While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's reassuring to know that there are others who have and are going through this and that I can lean on them and vice versa.

The big question I've been asked,  "How are you feeling?"   My truthful answer,  the same...
While I know that may sound disheartening it's the truth.  It still feels very dark to me.  I may not be as robotic or catatonic as I was a majority of the week after that Sunday night, but I still feel like I'm in a very deep hole and the light at the top is very small.

And that's the thing of it all.  You just don't know.  What appears to be may not, in reality, be the case...  I may appear fine, I may joke with you, laugh, and seem like everything is fine.  But someone I won't name shared with me that they struggle with depression, but have become good at masking it.
And I think over time, that is what I have done as well.  I have become very well-versed in the art of appearing to be ok.  I use humor to offset any possible indication that something might be wrong.
I deflect things with humor and sarcasm.  I figure if I can make others laugh they won't see what lies beyond the humor.  And don't get me wrong,  I really do love to make others laugh.  But, I also think I've learned to use it as a mask to hide how I'm feeling inside.   It's like a duck on the water, on the surface he looks calm and in control of his world.  But if you look under water, he's rapidly churning and paddling his legs and feet to keep things moving and looking calm on the surface.

That's the best way I can describe this.  I may appear ok on the surface but inside I'm broken.
I will openly admit in the last 2 weeks I've had some pretty dark thoughts again.  Not quite as strong as the previous, but kind of like a reminder that it's there still.  The feeling of hopelessness has come and gone a few times.  It's like a rollercoaster really.  Some days I'll feel ok, and some days I bottom out.

I actually had someone message me on Facebook and call me selfish for considering suicide that night.  So that was a new twist on all this.  And yes, I will admit that in the moment you aren't thinking about anyone but yourself and how to stop the pain, stop the feelings of hopelessness and despair.  So, yeah, I guess in that aspect I was being selfish.  But you don't see it that way and you can't control how you feel either.  In that moment you're looking for any way possible to feel relief, to feel that heaviness and feeling of being a burden lifted, and in some ways, you actually think in the long run you are doing them a favor by taking that burden off of them.  A short period of sadness for the better of their long term life.  That's just being dead honest.  Those were the thoughts I wrestled with that night.  Those were the pro's and cons that I was checking off in my head as I sat in a pitch-dark living room.  I never contemplated the way I would commit suicide.  I did for several hours sit there and weigh out if it would be for the better if my family would be better off, how much of a burden I really was/am to them, how good of a father could I be when I feel this way and is it noticeable to them?  The farthest I let my thoughts of suicide go was that I decided if I were to do it, I would leave my home to do so. And there were reasons for that.  That to me in retrospect is a lot farther than I first thought I let it get.  Am I proud of this?  Not at all, I'm ashamed.  I feel selfish, was that person right?

But on the flip side, it's honest, it's how I felt that night, it's still there in some ways still.  It's very raw, very scary, and very dark.  I've had a few people from friends to doctors ask if I felt like I was a threat to myself.   I usually quickly dismiss this with a no and a chuckle.  I don't feel like I am, but the thoughts are still there and the hopelessness comes and goes.  I've been leaning on the support of friends and family.  I'm very grateful for them both.  My family has been very supportive and understanding.  And I'm trying my best not to burden them with this as much as possible.

One day at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other...  That's kind of how I'm looking at things.  And it's helped honestly.

I'm broken, I wear a mask so others can't see what I'm feeling.  But I hope in these last 3 blogs you've seen that mask come off.   What you see and read is very exposing, real, and sometimes hard to type. I've hit the backspace button on this laptop more times than I care to mention.  I've had a shocking number of people tell me what I wrote took courage and that I was strong for doing so.  While I appreciate that, I don't see it as courageous or strong.   I see it as being honest about what is happening to me.  Not knowing what else to do with these feelings other than getting them out and on this blog so that I'm not bottling them up.  But if someone can read this, and realize they're not alone the way I've felt after having so many share their struggles with me, then some good can come of this I suppose.

They say God never gives you more than you can handle... I'm holding on to that as I struggle to handle this.  I trust that there is something to be learned in all of this or that somehow this part of my life is leading to something or somewhere He wants me to be, learn, or do.  What that is, remains to be seen.

Until then, I will go a step at a time, a day at a time.  And keep writing here in the hopes that plan reveals itself...

Until next time....

Be Well..