Broken...

I know it's been awhile.  And I know I usually write with a certain humor and/or sarcasm.  But this one is going to be different.  I'm not feeling very funny right now and I'll explain that as I go.
Depression is a strange animal, in that it can lay dormant for awhile, maybe poking its head up briefly just to remind you that it's still there.  But then disappearing again just as quickly, giving you the illusion that you can control it.   You can't..   That may not be profound, it may not be news to anyone who has dealt with depression.   But, I just found this out the hard way and it's not a fun realization to come to.  It's harsh, it's scary, and it hurts like you wouldn't believe..

I have probably dealt with depression in one form or another for many years.  Once I was put on Zoloft and took it for about a year.   Then decided I didn't need it because I had it under control, or so I thought.   It as I said would pop up here and there and I'd write it off as being in a "funk" or just being down.  And soon it'would fade and I'd return to some form of normal.  This has gone on for about 10 years and I thought it was something everyone went through.

Until Sunday.  Sunday I realized how deep depression can truly get.  I won't get into the logistics of what happened or could have contributed to this but it's been a combination of a lot of things over a period of time and this last one was what set things into motion.  I have never felt such a feeling of hopelessness in my life.  To the point where even when surrounded by others you still feel like you're completely alone.  And then everyone goes to bed and you find yourself literally alone with your thoughts and it's not a nice place to be.  Thoughts like if everyone woke up tomorrow, would they even notice if I were gone?  The world will go on, people will still go to work, the sun will still come up, birds will still sing.  Yes, some people might be sad but probably not for long.  Would they be better off without me as a burden to them?   Would a little pain in the interim mean less pain in the long run for not having to deal with my depression and all that it brings?   What kind of example am I for my kids if I can't even function properly?   Would ending it really be a release into being pain-free?

If that isn't paint by numbers clear enough to figure out what I'm referring to I'll lay it on the table for you.   Sunday night I had thoughts of taking my own life.  As I type this the tears sting my eyes because it's all very fresh still and not like anything I've ever felt or want to feel again.  It scared me.
I didn't get to the point of planning it or thinking about how I could do it.  I wouldn't let it get that far. But the question was there, it was thought about seriously and pro's and cons were weighed as to what the end result would be and how it would impact others.   But at that point, you don't care,  you only think about how you're negatively impacting others by being a burden.   I'd like to think I couldn't go through with it because of my family right?  But if I'm entertaining the thought of it despite their being around then there's got to be something to it right?    And I love my family, I truly do.  By all definition I have a pretty good life,  I have a beautiful family, we have a house, jobs, cars, we may not be rich but we get by.   But still, something managed to get into my head and make me wonder if all that would be better off without me.  And I feel so selfish for those thoughts but I couldn't control them.  It was like ping-pong balls bouncing around in my head.  And I felt broken... Completely broken and I can't even begin to describe what it was that was broken, but something was and is wrong.

And I get it now.  As someone who vehemently hates suicide, I get it totally...  Do I condone it?  Never, but I get why people go that route.  Because when you get to that point and you hit that low that you didn't think was possible you look for the way to take that pain away.  You look for the way to not be a burden to others because you feel broken.  Because you feel that heaviness of depression and you don't want to watch others be brought down by it.  Is it heroic?  No.  But I was once one of those people who would call someone who commits suicide a coward.  I would say they took the easy way out and that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  But you know what?  Depression isn't temporary...  I have known many people who have committed suicide in my life, I've known others who have tried and failed.  And the ones that were successful, I always wondered what their mindset was leading into that decision to take their life.  And while I did not attempt to take my life,  I can say I understand a little bit more of what it must have been like and it is absolutely terrifying.  And maybe they didn't have that beautiful family to ground them,  maybe they didn't have the courage to admit there was something wrong ( and I am by no means courageous), maybe they couldn't get past the feeling that they were bringing others down and were a burden to life and all around them.  I get it...  I don't know what snapped me out of it.  God?  My family?  I don't know.  But something kept me from going to that next step and I'm thankful for that.

Today I broke at work.  Just lost it entirely.  Could not for the life of me get it together.  So with the help of a supervisor who was a great help to me.  We took the steps necessary to get me some help.
Do I still feel broken?  Completely.   I feel ashamed for feeling this way.  Like I should be a grown-up and not feel this way.  Like I'm being difficult.  But I went to see my personal doctor as well and we talked for about 45 minutes and I was a mess.  That seems to be a fun part of this bout is losing it at the drop of a hat...  And I am willing to try medication again.

There is a stigma attached to admitting you have a problem with depression and taking medication, and that you've thought about taking your own life.  Maybe that stigma is self-induced.   But I feel broken like there is something wrong with me that makes me different from others and not in a good way.  Like people will judge me for feeling like I wanted to harm myself, for having to take medication for it, for being so depressed you don't know which way is up anymore.  And that is something I'm going to have to work through with the help of a professional.  I've learned the hard way this isn't something you can just "ride out" and hope it goes away.  I never in a million years would think I could ever possibly reach this point.  But here I am.

So here I am..  Completely exposed...  I'm not quite sure why I decided to share this but something in me felt compelled to.  Maybe to some, it will answer questions about me and why I've been a certain way.  Maybe it was for my own personal record to remind myself that no matter who you are, depression can impact you.  I don't know.

I have a road ahead of me that I hope is going to be different.  I hope to get something out of my
sessions with a counselor.  And I'm grateful for the words, support, and prayer of my family and friends.   I have too much to live for I know this.  But I've learned that even knowing that doesn't stop depression from making you doubt it.  I'm sorry for the length and heaviness of this post.  It's not the best way to end a hiatus from writing, but it's who I am right now.

Here's to better days...

Until Next Time...

Be Well..