I'm officially 15 days away from turning 40... That could very well be the weirdest thing I've ever typed.. 40... Where does the time go? I swear I was just 20.. Not 20 years ago..
Anyway, this year being a milestone birthday for me I wanted to do something a little differently..
This year has been a crazy year for me personally. Starting a new job, depression rearing it's ugly head in a way that I never thought was possible. If you read my previous posts depression took me to a place I've never been before, and pray I never get to again. Suicide. Thank the Lord I didn't attempt anything, but the urge was there, the thought was there, the want to do it was there. But as I've said in past posts, something told me to go to bed and sleep on it, something made me reconsider before I took it to another level. I'd like to think it was God who intervened that night. I have dealt with depression or what some people would call "the blues" for many years. But normally it would come, hit me, I'd get quiet and withdrawn for a day or two, and then it'd pass. It wouldn't stick around long enough for me to really give it a second thought. But this time was different. There was a heaviness in my chest, and a small voice telling me that over the past few weeks/months I had become a burden to any and all around me. That I was dragging them down with me, that life would be simpler and better for those if I was not around. And that maybe I should do them a favor and take myself out of the equation and relieve them of my being a burden. And I did feel that way, I did feel like I was weight on everyone's shoulders. I felt like everyone looked at me and was instantly exhausted emotionally like I drained them. And I could not even fake being happy at this point.
I thought I was pretty good at hiding how I felt for the most part, but even I knew that there was no hiding this. And I could not shake it. And it was nothing against my family, nothing against my kids, nothing against my friends, it was all an inner war in my head. And unfortunately they were the casualties of this war. Moodiness, anger, being withdrawn, just living as a shell of a person and that's how I felt... Empty...
I was struggling with going back to work after being off with my son for 3 years, I was unhappy at the job at that point, and that night it all came to a head. Everyone had gone a bed, the TV was off, the lights were off out, and there I sat.. Alone with my thoughts, alone with that voice that told me that I'd had enough and that maybe it was time to stop being a burden to others. I remember laying there crying, but not like sobs, just a steady stream of tears and my chest felt so heavy. My mind started going a hundred miles an hour. And it just kept getting worse and the more my mind raced, the worse the thoughts were. I for whatever reason never came to the point of planning how I'd do it. The furthest I got was that I wouldn't have done it at home. I would have done it somewhere away from my home and family so they wouldn't have to see anything. That in itself is a scary thought. But that is where I was.
My time since has been a roller coaster of emotions. From good days where I feel like I can take on the world and beat it. To days where I start questioning just how much of a burden I really am to everyone. It is quite a spectrum to go between. There have been times I felt like maybe I was crazy and something was severely wrong with me. There have been days I've been ashamed of how I feel and what has happened, I've felt embarrassment over feeling this way, anger for even considering taking my own life, and despair when that feeling comes back to haunt me. Medication has helped some. I wouldn't say it has solved but I am realistic enough to know that's not how it works. I have sought therapy but have not had luck. As my previous employer tried to send me an hour south of my how and 2 hours south of work to a therapist in their network that worked with our schedule. I am still interested in doing that but just haven't had the time, have forgotten, a litany of things, as to why I haven't done it as of yet. I think the tremendous outpouring of support I have received has opened my eyes to just how many people are impacted by this. And I was surprised at some of the people who reached out to me as I would have never have thought they could be touched by this.
It's comforting in a way to know there are those I hold dear, trust, and have known for a long time that are in a similar place as me. It's sad that I didn't know, didn't notice, and never asked if they were ok. It's definitely opened my eyes to mental health and all that it entails and those it touches.
That being said, here is what I was alluding to earlier. I'm getting old this year.. I officially leave my 3's and go into my 4's... I want to do something to make a difference, maybe open eyes to what this is all about, and to help those who may not know what to do next. The phrase popped into my head the other day "Stand up, Speak Up, Don't Give Up." And that has burned itself into my brain and has fueled me to want to bring awareness to mental health issues, to suicide and it's prevention, and to helping those who are in this battle. So, for my birthday I am starting a donation drive to benefit The American Foundation For Suicide Prevention. My goal is to raise $500 by December 2nd. My ultimate goal is to crush that goal by a mile. I have it on my Facebook page at the following link. https://www.facebook.com/donate/1971683886486809/
If you feel a pull to donate it would be appreciated in ways you couldn't imagine. And I would be just as thankful. If you don't feel comfortable, that's ok too. Prayers, Good Thoughts, Vibes, Ju Ju, whatever your belief is will be just as happily accepted.
I've known many people who have committed suicide and a few that have attempted and luckily have not succeeded. It's a scary, dark, subject. But one I feel must be talked about and brought to the attention of people. I encourage you to do as my post states if you are one of the millions impacted by depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc.. Stand Up... Speak Up... Don't Give Up...
Until Next Time....
Be Well,
Rob
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