I know that depression isn't whining and that sharing it can and does help. But, I also still feel like a burden when I feel like this and talk about it. That is honestly one of the hardest aspects of this to deal with. The fact I want to talk about it, I want to help others who feel this way, but I feel like such a weight on everyone's shoulders when I talk about it in depth.
So what has been going on since I last wrote? Well, I left my job and accepted another with a Hospice/Home Healthcare company in their Customer Relations dept. I'm working 3rds which I'm not nuts about, but the pay is significantly better than my previous job. I'm getting used to it but the whole almost reverse sleep cycle is hard to get used to. I work Tues-Thurs then am off until the following Friday, then I work Fri-Sun, have Monday off and start the cycle over again. So it will be rough working 76 hours in a 7 day span, but then I get a week off in between. So I guess we will see how that all shakes out.
I also have another interesting interaction with a homeless person not too long ago. If you have read my earlier blogs I have mentioned that I have had some unique experiences with homeless people and giving them money. This one is no different. I took my oldest son to the post office in downtown Jackson to mail some pictures to a friend of mine for his birthday. We parked and as we got out of the car I see this guy sitting outside the post office door with a sign. So instantly I know I want to do something for him. The guy as we approach the building asks if I have any spare change, I didn't so I punched him in the face.. Ok, so I didn't, but I didn't have any change but I felt compelled to ask what he needed change for. He told me he was laid off from his job 4 months after his wife left the family. He and his son were staying at a hotel but his disability he was getting wasn't enough to pay rent and food. He said he was trying to find what work he could do in the meanwhile. Whether he was or not isn't for me to judge or worry about. So either the guy was extremely sincere, or he was a heck of an actor and should be making more than pocket change on a sidewalk. I told him I didn't have any spare change but to hold tight and I'd get him on the way out. So we go in pay for and mail the stuff and I broke a $50 that I had. My oldest asked what I was going to do and I just said "help the guy out." As we walked out I handed him $25 and about 70 cents in change that I had. The guy welled up instantly and said "Bless you brother" and came forward and asked if he could hug me. That was a first for me. And while I may not seem like the hugging type I really don't mind. So I said sure and he hugged me and said thank you and that it would buy some food for sure. I apologized for not being able to give more and he assured me that what I did was more than enough.
And he said he was going to head back to his motel and get his son and pick up some food for supper.
He shakes my hand and thanks me again and I say that I wish I could do more and he heads off up the sidewalk and out of sight. We get back to the car and Caleb goes "wow dad, that was really cool of you." Then he comes out of left field with "why did you let him hug you? What if he would have stabbed you? And why did you give him $25?" I just said "I wasn't worried about him stabbing me, I figure if he's a big enough man to humble himself and beg for money then he needs it more than I do and I don't think he would do that in order to stab someone. If hugging me is his way of thanking me, I am fine with that. And ultimately, how much I give him isn't important because it's not my money to begin with." It was a great way to show the example that everything we have is on loan from God and to give freely with what you do have. And I could tell it impacted him. He mentioned a couple more times that it was cool to see that interaction and to see someone so touched by something as simple as $25 dollars. I told him that we may not be rich monetarily but God has shown Himself to us through this experience. He has shown us that even when we think we have very little, it can mean so much more to someone who has less. And to also be grateful for what we do have and for what we can give to others who are not as fortunate.
I also had another experience even more recently where I was coming home from a friends house in Lansing. As I was coming up West Ave in Jackson I came to a stop light that was blinking red and so I stopped. I saw a guy carrying a back pack standing about 6 feet from my truck and waving at me. He was probably in his late 20's and I've never described anyone like this before, he had a very kind face. He was clearly homeless and so I rolled my window down and he walks up and thanks me for stopping (I kinda had to for the red blinking light) and asks. "I know it's late, but I've been walking all day and I was headed to the train station, do you think it'd be possible to give me a lift?" Then he said something interesting "I don't have any weapons, and I'll put my bag in the back of your truck." Remembering the conversation I had with Caleb I told the guy sure and he climbed in. He stuck his hand out and said "my name is Corey, thank you so much for the ride man." I asked where he was coming from and he said had hitched from Coldwater to Albion and walked from Albion to Jackson. He had family in Jackson but couldn't show up in the middle of the night so he was going to sleep at the train station and that he had done so before. Then mentioned that he was hungry and said he had to think about trying to find some food in the morning. I offered to buy him something to eat and he refused, I said it was no problem and after sitting there a second he asked if it would be too much trouble to stop at like Taco Bell.. I said no and we doubled back and he wanted 3 hard tacos. It didn't come to much and all I had was a $20. So I paid and my change was like $14 and so I handed it to him with the food and told him to use it for coffee tonight and breakfast tomorrow or something. He just kept saying "thank you man, thank God I ran into you." Again, I don't know if I was being hustled or not but it's not important and it's not up to me to worry about. To me it was another opportunity to help someone out. So I dropped him at the station and he thanked me again and wished me the best. It was a cool interaction. I didn't once worry about him doing anything once he got in the truck because something told me he was ok. And I'm generally pretty good at reading people.
So all these interactions I've had over the last few years have got to mean something or be leading up to something. Because up until a few years ago I never had these kinds of experiences or even the opportunity to have them. And now it's been like 5 or 6 in the last few years that have really stuck with me. I just wish I knew what it all meant. As I have said the verse Matthew 25:40 is one that as soon as I read it something clicked in me and it has stuck with me since. The first bible verse I have ever memorized and that has impacted me personally.
Outside of that things have been things ya know? This depression deal should come with some sort of owners guide so you know what is coming and what to expect because man, this deal kinda sucks..
The meds have helped but they don't solve everything, nor did I think they would. But it just feels like I get to the point where I have a grip on it, and have it under control, then it rears it's head and reminds me that I really am not even close. Good days and bad.. But the bad days hurt man... There are days I just want to sit there and cry or just feel hopeless and want to cry. And there have been a few times I do just cry for no reason. Makes me feel like a complete headcase ya know? And I've been told it's ok and that it's normal with depression to feel that way. But when you haven't really knowingly dealt with it, it doesn't feel normal. All I know is I hate it. I still feel broken, I still feel like a burden, and I still feel like sometimes it would be easier if I wasn't here to burden others and myself at the same time. But I also am realistic enough to know that I have too much to leave behind, and as selfish as I could be, and feel like I am for feeling this way. I know I could never be selfish enough to go through with it. So I know I have that grounding me and I'm thankful for that.
That's really all I have for right now. Hopefully I can get on some sort of roll and hammer out more entries here in the upcoming days/weeks.
Until then, be well...
Rob
I also have another interesting interaction with a homeless person not too long ago. If you have read my earlier blogs I have mentioned that I have had some unique experiences with homeless people and giving them money. This one is no different. I took my oldest son to the post office in downtown Jackson to mail some pictures to a friend of mine for his birthday. We parked and as we got out of the car I see this guy sitting outside the post office door with a sign. So instantly I know I want to do something for him. The guy as we approach the building asks if I have any spare change, I didn't so I punched him in the face.. Ok, so I didn't, but I didn't have any change but I felt compelled to ask what he needed change for. He told me he was laid off from his job 4 months after his wife left the family. He and his son were staying at a hotel but his disability he was getting wasn't enough to pay rent and food. He said he was trying to find what work he could do in the meanwhile. Whether he was or not isn't for me to judge or worry about. So either the guy was extremely sincere, or he was a heck of an actor and should be making more than pocket change on a sidewalk. I told him I didn't have any spare change but to hold tight and I'd get him on the way out. So we go in pay for and mail the stuff and I broke a $50 that I had. My oldest asked what I was going to do and I just said "help the guy out." As we walked out I handed him $25 and about 70 cents in change that I had. The guy welled up instantly and said "Bless you brother" and came forward and asked if he could hug me. That was a first for me. And while I may not seem like the hugging type I really don't mind. So I said sure and he hugged me and said thank you and that it would buy some food for sure. I apologized for not being able to give more and he assured me that what I did was more than enough.
And he said he was going to head back to his motel and get his son and pick up some food for supper.
He shakes my hand and thanks me again and I say that I wish I could do more and he heads off up the sidewalk and out of sight. We get back to the car and Caleb goes "wow dad, that was really cool of you." Then he comes out of left field with "why did you let him hug you? What if he would have stabbed you? And why did you give him $25?" I just said "I wasn't worried about him stabbing me, I figure if he's a big enough man to humble himself and beg for money then he needs it more than I do and I don't think he would do that in order to stab someone. If hugging me is his way of thanking me, I am fine with that. And ultimately, how much I give him isn't important because it's not my money to begin with." It was a great way to show the example that everything we have is on loan from God and to give freely with what you do have. And I could tell it impacted him. He mentioned a couple more times that it was cool to see that interaction and to see someone so touched by something as simple as $25 dollars. I told him that we may not be rich monetarily but God has shown Himself to us through this experience. He has shown us that even when we think we have very little, it can mean so much more to someone who has less. And to also be grateful for what we do have and for what we can give to others who are not as fortunate.
I also had another experience even more recently where I was coming home from a friends house in Lansing. As I was coming up West Ave in Jackson I came to a stop light that was blinking red and so I stopped. I saw a guy carrying a back pack standing about 6 feet from my truck and waving at me. He was probably in his late 20's and I've never described anyone like this before, he had a very kind face. He was clearly homeless and so I rolled my window down and he walks up and thanks me for stopping (I kinda had to for the red blinking light) and asks. "I know it's late, but I've been walking all day and I was headed to the train station, do you think it'd be possible to give me a lift?" Then he said something interesting "I don't have any weapons, and I'll put my bag in the back of your truck." Remembering the conversation I had with Caleb I told the guy sure and he climbed in. He stuck his hand out and said "my name is Corey, thank you so much for the ride man." I asked where he was coming from and he said had hitched from Coldwater to Albion and walked from Albion to Jackson. He had family in Jackson but couldn't show up in the middle of the night so he was going to sleep at the train station and that he had done so before. Then mentioned that he was hungry and said he had to think about trying to find some food in the morning. I offered to buy him something to eat and he refused, I said it was no problem and after sitting there a second he asked if it would be too much trouble to stop at like Taco Bell.. I said no and we doubled back and he wanted 3 hard tacos. It didn't come to much and all I had was a $20. So I paid and my change was like $14 and so I handed it to him with the food and told him to use it for coffee tonight and breakfast tomorrow or something. He just kept saying "thank you man, thank God I ran into you." Again, I don't know if I was being hustled or not but it's not important and it's not up to me to worry about. To me it was another opportunity to help someone out. So I dropped him at the station and he thanked me again and wished me the best. It was a cool interaction. I didn't once worry about him doing anything once he got in the truck because something told me he was ok. And I'm generally pretty good at reading people.
So all these interactions I've had over the last few years have got to mean something or be leading up to something. Because up until a few years ago I never had these kinds of experiences or even the opportunity to have them. And now it's been like 5 or 6 in the last few years that have really stuck with me. I just wish I knew what it all meant. As I have said the verse Matthew 25:40 is one that as soon as I read it something clicked in me and it has stuck with me since. The first bible verse I have ever memorized and that has impacted me personally.
Outside of that things have been things ya know? This depression deal should come with some sort of owners guide so you know what is coming and what to expect because man, this deal kinda sucks..
The meds have helped but they don't solve everything, nor did I think they would. But it just feels like I get to the point where I have a grip on it, and have it under control, then it rears it's head and reminds me that I really am not even close. Good days and bad.. But the bad days hurt man... There are days I just want to sit there and cry or just feel hopeless and want to cry. And there have been a few times I do just cry for no reason. Makes me feel like a complete headcase ya know? And I've been told it's ok and that it's normal with depression to feel that way. But when you haven't really knowingly dealt with it, it doesn't feel normal. All I know is I hate it. I still feel broken, I still feel like a burden, and I still feel like sometimes it would be easier if I wasn't here to burden others and myself at the same time. But I also am realistic enough to know that I have too much to leave behind, and as selfish as I could be, and feel like I am for feeling this way. I know I could never be selfish enough to go through with it. So I know I have that grounding me and I'm thankful for that.
That's really all I have for right now. Hopefully I can get on some sort of roll and hammer out more entries here in the upcoming days/weeks.
Until then, be well...
Rob
Thank you for sharing!
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