Kids... Are Gross...

I'm a father of 4 boys..  I love them with all my heart, I would step in front of a bullet for them without hesitation... But let's face it...  Kids, are gross...

As I stated, I have 4 boys..  I'm pretty sure that fact alone puts me in a special category of grossness.  Not a day goes by that I don't have to raise my voice at one of them for picking their noses.  They are perfectly content to sit on the couch with a finger stuffed up their nose.  And my worry isn't that it's gross.. Well...  Yeah, it is disgusting, and I do let them know that in no uncertain terms.  But, I almost sit there in amazement at how far they stick their fingers up their noses..   My fear outside of the fact it's gross, is that they'll go so far up one of these times they'll lobotomize themselves...  And they have no shame, they will ram a finger up their nose no matter where we're at and not think twice.  And we'll leave what happens when they have success nose mining to your imagination..  Let's just say that maybe Jenny Craig should rethink her weight loss plan to include videos of kids picking their noses and eating it...  You won't want to eat for hours I promise you...

I've also learned to NEVER let my kid drink from my bottle of water.  If they ask for a drink, I evaluate how much I have left and if it's half or less..  It's their's...   Otherwise, you hand them the bottle, they stuff the entire opening of the bottle into their mouths and proceed to drink a swallow and use the rest to rinse out their mouths back into your bottle..  You're left with a bottle that looks like a science experiment gone terribly wrong..  And it's inevitable that it'll happen..  And they always seem to want to drink your water when they're eating Ritz crackers or cookies, something that is guaranteed to end up in the bottom of your bottle.

On the other hand they are almost as good as vacuums...  They'll wander through the house, stop on a dime, and almost like they have a radar for nastiness, reach under the recliner and pull out a fruit snack that looks like it may or may not be taking on a life of it's own.  It's covered in cat hair, dust bunnies, and dirt..  They'll pick it up like they've found the Holy Grail, look around, and sometimes pull the cat hair off, others just pop it in their mouths and continue playing like it's normal to eat 2 year old fruit snacks that have plinko'd their way through the recliner to the floor underneath... I've watched the twins both scavenge under the kitchen table like disgusting little vultures and eat chicken/sausage/ham/ mystery meat from the night before, as well as cereal that has fallen on the floor.  This isn't something that happens at home either.  One of the twins one time found a cracker on the floor at church in the commons area, picked it up, and continued on his way happy to have found a snack...  Who's to say who had it before, or where it came from..  I know some people will laugh and say "they're just kids being kids, it's not that weird."   Think about your spouse for a moment, picture walking through the mall and they see a piece of soft pretzel laying on the floor, they pick it up and continue walking with you happily munching away..  You'd think it was gross and that there was something wrong with them...

Passing gas seems to be a favorite hobby of my boys lately as well.  And not just randomly every now and then.  They seem to have it on reserve and can call on it anytime they desire...   And they're learning to use it in ways to offend people within the house..  They will go out of their way to come to you, turn around and pass gas at you.  Or they will sit on your lap and warm it for you..  And they aren't cute little kid farts, these have volume and bass to them.  These would scare most animals and I'm pretty sure should not be coming from little kids..  There have been a few times where I have been in another room, heard one of them fart and it's all I can do to not stop what I'm doing and give them a slow clap.  Others, I will stick my head in the room where the gastrointestinal thunder came from to make sure they're still upright and ok.  Because by the sound of what came from that room they should either be inside out or on the ground unconscious.    And they're to the point where it's hilarious to do so.  And I could be wrong but Iam pretty sure the twins may or may not communicate using farts..  They've sat in the living room trading farts back and forth 2-3 times in a row and then sit there and laugh themselves into hysterics.  They've cleared rooms, they've emitted smells I didn't think were humanly possible, and they don't care where they're at.  One of the twins during a dentist appointment felt it necessary to unless his noxious fury on Jill, his brother, and the dental hygienist.  Only in the silent but deadly form...  They're special boys...

This brings me to this past Saturday.  Once again, Caleb had his art class.  And once again, I found myself in what can only be described as the seventh circle of hell, but they call it a waiting area..   As I've said in the past, this place is a great place to people watch.  I've met an overbearing stage mom, a dad who let's his kids become someone else's problem while he sits at the other end of the room, and countless little kids who have no clue what acceptable social behavior is...

This brings me to the latest kind of parent that I've come across.  The sideline parent...  This parent was content sitting in a chair parenting over the top of the book she seemed genetically incapable of putting down.  I mean, we've all done it to a certain extent right?  Been on the phone and the kid is acting up, and you halfheartedly tell them to knock it off, but are more into what's going on with the phone call.  I've been there I'll admit.  But here is where this example ties in to the opening paragraphs of this entry about grossness..  This lady is sitting in a chair, book 2 inches from her face..  With her is I would guess a 4 year old boy.  He's running all over the place coughing and hacking.  I'm at my normal table in the leave me alone section of the room.  And he comes wandering over and stops at the end of my table, he has in one hand a bag of animal crackers, in the other a Hot Wheel.  He's "racing" around at the end of my table, stops, and goes into a 10-15 second coughing spree...  He's almost purple in the face he's coughing so hard.  My first thought is "poor kid, that sounds like it hurts."  Second thought is, "this kid isn't covering his mouth and is coughing at me."    So after he finishes and crams a cracker in his mouth he wanders to the next table, and immediately coughs said cookie all over the table and floor...  Does he pick it up?  No, he simply moves to the other side of the table and continues.  More kids show up..  They see this boy and start playing with him.  He offers them a cracker in between hacks and coughing fits.  One little girl takes a cracker out and gets it just to her mouth and the boys mom yells at the little girl!!!  Not like in a mean, angry way.  But yells at the girl "Don't eat the cracker HE HAS STREP THROAT!!!"    Are you kidding me??   You come here, see that there is another adult (me), a mom and her 3 kids, another father and son in the room, not to mention countless others passing through, and you let this little monster run amok with strep throat?!?!?!?   The lady then says "we're not sure if he's still contagious or not but he's still sick and you shouldn't share his crackers."    Then get him out of here!!  Why if your kid has strep throat would you take him out in public and expose countless others to him?  Not just others, other children who don't really know any better and share crackers and play with this kid..  And it's not the kids fault, although walking around coughing on everything is gross.  You just sit there behind your book and let him infect other kids and that's ok that he's hacking all over them, but he tries sharing a cracker and you yell at the girl to not share HIS crackers..  How about you corral your diseased little monster and this won't be an issue.

Maybe I'm a germaphobe, but I would never take my kid out of the house if he had strep.  Not until I knew he was 100% not contagious.  Doing other wise to me is a severe lack of consideration for those around you.  Your daughters ballet lesson is more important that the health of other little kids and adults who have to breathe the air your little kid is hacking in?  Luckily, I only endured this for about 25 minutes.  As soon as Caleb stepped out, we bailed as quickly as possible.

There was another little boy there who I would guess was 9-10 years old.  He was making up "Yo Mama Jokes"  And sharing them with whomever would listen..  I heard such gems as " Your mama is so stupid, she tried to buy tickets to X-Box Live."   And "Your mama is so stupid, she farted in her gas tank trying to fill her car up with gas.."    Ok, so maybe I laughed at that one...  Yeah, I'm childish., what of it???

Bottom line, kids are disgusting little creatures.   For every  heart melting  aww-moment , there are 3 more episodes of being pee'd on, thrown up on, or having them come up to you all sweetly only to have them press their butt on your leg and fart..   They're messy, they smell bad, they're the sloppiest eaters in the world,  and I wouldn't trade them for the world..

Anyway, I'll have another post up hopefully later this week!

Until Then,
Be Well....