I'm gonna get myself straight
I know it's never too late
To make a brand new start..."
I'd never heard of Paul Weller until tonight... I was randomly whipping through YouTube and stumbled upon this video and gave it a listen based on the title alone. And the song struck a nerve deep within me. Why? I'll get to that in a few minutes..
First things first.. I want to say THANK YOU to all of you who took the time to stop up and visit me while I was in the hospital Thurs-Sat. You were the exact people I needed there at that exact time and you made a scary situation a whole lot better. I could've been left in the ER alone for hours with no one to talk to, and no one to pray with me but God put the right people in the right place and I am so thankful for that. You all helped by easing the stress and tension of the situation through laughter and by just being there to talk. I am grateful for you all and appreciate you all far more than you'll ever know. A big thanks also goes out to Jill for hanging out with me in the boring old hospital for hours and bringing Caleb up to see me. And for calling me as I sat bored in the room and letting me talk to Josh and Jonah on the phone for a few minutes so that I could hear all that was going on that was important in the world of 2 year old twins. Hearing their randomness and jabber definitely put a bright spot on an otherwise gloomy night. She definitely held the fort down while I was down and out, and did a great job keeping the family going. Then she was nice enough to let me sleep 12 hours this morning as I'm pretty sure I was in a coma from the time my head hit my pillow until 10:15 this morning. I was still exhausted when I woke up but that deep sleep felt amazing. So if you see her, talk to her on FB or whatever she deserves a huge thank you and pat on the back for all the hard work she did whilst I was relaxing at Club Med...
Anyway, to those of you who may be wondering what I'm talking about here is a quick version of what happened *end sarcasm*. Thursday I was doing deliveries as usual. We were carrying a range into a house and out of nowhere my chest started hurting and tightened up, I couldn't seem to really catch my breath either. So what do I do? About the smartest thing a human could possibly do, and no it's not call 911 or go to the hospital. I continue on my way and do my final 2 deliveries of the day. Then drive back to the store. Yes, I drove too. During the final two deliveries my chest continued to hurt and feel tight but I just wanted to get done and back as we were an hour out from the store in Pittsford, Michigan.. Yeah, try to find that place on Google.. We get back to the store and my partner looks at me and says "man, you look like crap. You need to go in and find out what's going on." So I go and tell my manager that I think I need to go to the hospital because my chest is very tight and hurts and the way he handled it was extremely less than professional but we'll leave it at that. And I drive myself to the hospital.. Yeah, I know, but I also never claimed to be the brightest crayon in the box did I? So I get there and they take me to ER and run 2 EKG's about an hour apart and they both come back abnormal. As the Dr. put it. "not alarmingly abnormal where we need to rush you in and open you up, but something is definitely abnormal." The only explanation I received was where the little line was supposed to go up, it went down instead.. Don't ask me... So they determine that I'm going to be kept overnight which I'm less than enthused about but I also want to know what happened.
They hook me up to a heart monitor that I had to carry with me the entire time I was there and start an I.V. and do blood work. I spend a night of getting poked and needled but find out my blood work came back ok. They also do chest x-rays that came back fine. They were however nice enough to wake me up the first night at 1:45am, 3am, 5am, and 6:30 am for vitals checks and blood work and other various forms of merriment. The next day I thought I'd be going home. The doc ordered a stress test and we went and did the first part of it where they inject a nuclear tracer into you then take pictures to make sure everything is flowing in and out of your heart as it should and that there is no damage. The second part was the physical part which they told me they were going to do SATURDAY.. So, I have to stay another night. I did sleep somewhat better that night. I fell asleep at like 11:30 and was only jarred awake 2 times in the night for vitals and a nurse who thought it'd be hilarious to flip my lights on for my vitals check at 3:45am. So I wake up at 4:45 that morning and am up for good. They come in at 8:30 and tell me my stress test is at 9am. Mind you I haven't eaten since 7pm. They end up having to do the chemical stress test for reasons we'll skip due to time constraints. The first thing the nurse tells me is "you're going to experience all the symptoms of a heart attack within 10-15 seconds of the injection, try to remember to NOT panic." It was the most terrifying thing I've EVER experienced. My hands went numb, my jaw tightened, my chest tightened and hurt so bad and it lasted about 45-90 seconds. And, I panicked... Who wouldn't? I can take chair shots, I can take getting beat up in a ring, but that is a pain and fear I don't EVER want to experience again.
So, I go back to my room, order lunch and coffee while I wait for the Dr. She finally comes in around 1pm and asks if anyone has talked to me yet. I say no so she breaks it down for me. They ruled out a heart attack and say that there was no damage to my heart and was most likely not Cardiac related. She never gave me a definitive answer but said it could be something in the category of a heart murmur, something to do with acid reflux, or least likely Angina. She did prescribe Nitro tablets for me to carry around from now on in case I start having chest pains again. And also to have a revisit with my personal physician in a few weeks and to keep an eye on how my chest feels for the next few months. She did say given my family history of heart problems like my mom having 2 heart attacks by age 38-39 and heart problems with my Gramps and dad that I was at an elevated risk for heart complications. And with that she left and I was discharged at about 3-4pm.
That being said, it was a completely eye opening experience for me... I won't lie, I was scared and I honestly had no idea what was going on when my chest felt like it did. I didn't know if I was having a heart attack or what was happening. We're watching a series in my small group called "Not A Fan" It's a series that challenges participants to become sincere "followers" of Jesus Christ, rather than simply "enthusiastic admirers" or "fans." It follows "the journey of Eric Nelson, a man leading a compartmentalized triple life as a pleasure-seeking rebel, a cutthroat corporate executive, and a nominal Christian. But when confronted with a near death experience, Eric embarks on a spiritual journey that transforms his commitment to Jesus Christ and tests the faith of his friends and family." He makes the transformation into a follower and in the end has a fatal heart attack and you witness how his family and friends cope with this all while Kyle Idleman narrates and asks you pointed questions, and you journal and it puts you in some pretty tough emotional places. I highly recommend it even if we aren't through the whole thing yet. Here is a quick trailer for "Not A Fan"
Regardless, I'm not comparing myself to Eric. Mine wasn't a life or death matter. It may have felt like it in the moment as I didn't know what was happening but my mind went to Eric, his situation and what happened to him. At first I thought selfishly like "this happens now, am I going to die in the next 5 years?" And I won't lie that's been on my mind a lot lately. I mean being told I'm an elevated risk for heart complications isn't a ringing endorsement for feeling secure. But I can fight and make changes. And that's what I need to do.
Things HAVE to change. Physically, mentally, emotionally, things HAVE to change. If not I'm doing nothing but slowly killing myself. First place I need to start is me physically. I'll put it out there so that you ALL can hold me accountable for this. I graduated high school at 210 lbs. I was solid at somewhere around 15-18% body fat I was a gym rat and an athlete. I left school, left college, stopped playing ball and now I sit at 285lbs. And that's not the heaviest I've been. I've been in the 290 range. I want desperately to get back to 200-210 lbs again. I know it's in there, it was before. I've been talking with a former employee and friend that I use to work with and he's in his 2nd running of P90-X and he swears by it. He said the first 90 he dropped 38lbs and then you just maintain and keep doing it. Change your diet and keep active. I can do that... I know I can.. If I can play ball effectively at 285lbs I know I can do this... I just need to dive in and make it happen. So, that's my goal and a goal I want ALL of you to witness and hold me accountable for is to do this and try to get as close to 210lbs as I can. It won't be an overnight process. But I think it can be done. My goal 1 year from now is to be at 240 or less.... Who is going to hold me to it?
Next thing I need to change is my relationship with Christ. I won't lie I'm not the strongest Christian you'll ever meet. I have so many flaws and will never claim to be perfect. I still slip up and make mistakes, I am working so hard to curb my language and the way I feel at work. I know He is challenging me at work but I also know that I can't possibly be passing that test. I hate the way I feel at work, angry, resentful, undervalued, and it's hard working in an environment where everything is so negative and everyone is as well. I know there is no "perfect" place to work but I also don't feel like I can be myself there. My attempts at talking about Jesus have been met with sarcasm, bewildered looks, or quick changes of subject. When I told those I worked with of my want to go into ministry I was mocked and told that there is no place in ministry for someone like me. And there are times where I let their attitudes break me down and I drop to their levels and it leaves me feeling horrible and fake. So to go along with changing physically I need to change emotionally and remain stronger in my faith at work and in that work to strengthen my relationship with Christ and continue with schooling so I can serve Him in the way and area that I believe He needs me and is leading me to.
I just need to work on being a better person. A better friend, a better dad, husband, everything.... I know that my ordeal wasn't on the level of Eric Nelson's but what if.... And did you hear it in that trailer?? Matthew 25:40 shows up again.... When Eric said "whatever you did for one of the least of these, you did for me.' My last blog on life verses.... It's eerie in a cool way the way He communicates with us.... And that verse keeps coming back to me everywhere.. I'm heading in the right direction, I know I am...
I just need to remember what He wants me to do and focus on that..
So there you have it.. The run down of my ordeal in the hospital.. The eye opening it gave me and the focus I need to have to serve Him better.. And I need YOU all to help me.. Just as some of you were there in that hospital room in the ER with me to pray, laugh and help me through that tough and scary time. I need you to be there for me in this tough and scary time.. And in turn I will do everything in my power to be a better person from here on forward...
I'll leave you with the video to the song I quoted in the opening of this blog... Enjoy it..
Until next time, It's never to late to make a brand new start...
Rob
So are you at 240 yet?
ReplyDeleteSadly, I'm not.
ReplyDelete